January 18, 2008

• What’s new?

  Things have changed a lot in the past few months.  I want to say that I’m happy again, but it wouldn’t be the whole truth.  I’m back together with the young man I used to call “my male” in entries long ago, but for me things are often bittersweet.  I’ll explain:

  I think about Jason a lot and wonder what he’s doing and what he’s thinking and if he would pick the phone up if I called him and if he would still talk to me on AIM, but I don’t follow any of it up.  He’s not for me and I’m not for him and it has caused me so much pain that I wonder sometimes if my heart will ever wake back up.  While my male and I are playing World of Warcraft, Jason will log in sometimes and this horrible feeling will sweep over me.  In a few seconds everything that happened flashes through my mind because it all started one Thursday while I was playing World of Warcraft all alone.  I hate myself for it and I can’t seem to forgive myself and move on.  It makes me so sad and I feel so alone all the time.  Why did I do it?  Why!?  I just want to scream!!

  I wish everything could go back to the way it was, where Jason was a good friend and I could talk to him about things and I didn’t feel horrible when he entered my mind.  I wish I could fantasize about him and my male again like I used to, but to tell the truth I don’t really feel much of anything sexual anymore.  It’s like something inside me flipped a switch and I can no longer feel sexy or think other things are sexy.  During sex I’m more just going through the motions and doing what I know I should do and what I should enjoy, but really I’m not all that interested.  I’d rather just do something else and I’m not really sure why.

  Another terrible part of the whole deal is that I’ve become extremely self conscious around people I got to know or talked to about things while all the relationship turmoil was going on.  Jason especially makes me hurt inside because I know he used to respect me as a human being and now he just disregards me as another useless female.  It really hurts.  Several of my friends I feel the same way about.  I feel like they used to respect me and admire my relationship with my male…but now they just see us as another two people blundering through life pretending to care so they aren’t alone.  I just want to cry.  I am crying in fact.

  The only place I can go to forget about everything is my new workplace. 

  • 3:25 pm
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