February 26, 2009
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I often wonder what is wrong with me. I wish the medical field was a little more advanced and my brain could be analyzed for its eccentricities. Why am I constantly so focused on sex? Why is it that I desire multiple partners of both genders? Can I not be satisfied with what I have? I wish someone would tell me what I should do about it.
I think the problem is that the rest of my life is so complicated and compelling. Engineering is extremely mentally stimulating and in addition I tutor other students in chemistry which provides me with even more mental exercise. I also do undergraduate research which pushes me to constantly rethink everything that I am doing to create a better experiment or get better results. It is a never ending process of incremental improvement. My mind is never stagnant. I can’t watch television anymore and it’s getting harder to watch movies. I have to be doing something else at the same time or I become restless and annoyed. I wonder if I have some type of adult ADD because it certainly seems as though I require an overabundance of stimulation to satiate my thirst for both knowledge and entertainment. Perhaps becoming an engineer has spoiled me and now I expect too much out of life in all respects.
I really think I expect too much out of intimacy as a concept. I can’t have friends. I don’t consider anyone I know a friend. Either I have gotten to know them and I passively dislike them, or I have gotten to know them and am now infatuated with them. I just constantly think about physical contact and emotional attachment and sex and I desire it from almost everyone I know and choose to hang out with on a regular basis. I so consistently wish that this world was more like the worlds Robert Heinlein weaves in his books, worlds where morals have been shed for a cold and logical government that holds nothing sacred, worlds where I could love as many other people as my heart could hold close and they could do the same. When I talk like that I start to wonder if I would be happier in some kind of hive mind society like the Borg or something. Maybe what I crave is a deep connection with everyone I deem worthy of my consideration and that certainly sounds like a hive mind to me.
A few nights ago I stayed up until 3:30 AM because my fiance was on the phone with one of our mutual friends. I couldn’t sleep. I had to stay awake because I wanted to hear them speaking with one another. I wanted to be in the presence of a three hour phone conversation between friends just because it was so emotionally satisfying. It had nothing to do with me or with really anyone. I just couldn’t sleep because I didn’t want to miss out on that feeling, listening to a person laugh and talk and watching him smile just because he was enjoying another person.
I’m such a weirdo. Maybe I’m glad no one can analyze my brain so in depth. Maybe I don’t want to know what is held inside my mind, in the deepest darkest reaches where these strange feelings come from.
