February 27, 2009
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I talk a big talk, don’t I? I like to think of myself as an action hero, as the CEO of a company, as a model, yet I am none of these. I like to think of myself as the most desirable human being on the planet, which I am, to a lone young man who is satisfied with such a dominating and overbearing person. I’m such an egotist but I think it’s part of being happy. If you don’t love yourself and what you do and what you think and what you say and write and type and share, then how could you really be truly satisfied and happy with your life?
But then I look at women and everything I build myself up to be in my head melts away so quickly. Until I actually have to act I am so strong and confident, but when I am faced with someone I’m attracted to and I have to spill the words requesting their adoration in return…ah, it’s so frightening.
There’s an extremely thin, rather short young man that I see often when we hang out with a particular group of friends. I think he is extremely attractive and very much enjoy being around him, but I already have a male so it is easy to think such things and not be afraid of rejection. I don’t need another male, so he is of no concern to me at this time. Even further he is already dating someone. However, if I was single and lonely and he was as well and I was prompted to tell him that I quite like his looks and the way he laughs and smiles and makes silly faces…well…I would freeze up and get sweaty. Then I would awkwardly change the subject. Then later I would kick myself a thousand times over for not saying anything. The next day I would do the exact same thing. I can’t tell people that I could actually request a date from how I feel about them. It makes me so nervous.
That’s why I say I talk a big talk. I admire so many of my friends. Under different circumstances I think I could have been a lover to many of them. But I can’t tell them. And if I feel this way, then why I am I held back from doing so? Why can’t I have them all? Do people’s hearts only have room for one other person? Are we designed that way? Am I the only person whose heart is larger? Am I the only person who thinks that more lovers would equate to more satisfaction? Maybe I’m just a intimately hedonistic idiot.
Anyway, there is a party tonight. I’m…I’m afraid to go. I always talk with my boyfriend about how wonderful it would be to go to gay bars and try to pick up women, but when it comes down to it I become a total loser the second I set foot in such a place. I stutter and wring my hands and laugh nervously. I always think to myself, “How can I expect any of these beautiful women to be interested in me? No woman has ever been interested in me before. Am I ugly? Do all these people think I’m a fool for coming into this place? Are they insulting my inside their minds? Ugh…” and then I give up and sit in a corner until I can’t stand it and leave.
Back to the party…it isn’t necessarily any kind of “gay” party, but it is for the film festival here in town this weekend, so I would assume that it would draw a few of the more “open minded” people out, especially since it will be mostly volunteers for the festival (like me!) who are predominantly students. I start thinking, “Man, I sure would like to try out my new hairstyle and see if it draws the people I’m interested to me…but I’m such a total loser…and I can’t dance…and I look stupid in dresses…and blah blah blah,” and then I just give up and I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go and get rejected. I’m only confident around guys because I already have one. I know it’s possible to catch one. But with women I don’t know what to expect. I’ve never really been one myself, so I don’t know how they will react to me. When the shell is different than the contents, well, I feel like it will be too surprising. I’m too strange. Only women make me feel so self conscious and ugly and stupid.
And even if I do go, what do I wear? If I wear a dress will I send the wrong vide? If I wear pants and a cute shirt will I look like a tool? Gawd, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know!
*bashes head on desk* I need to just sit here all night and do homework and stop thinking about how nice it would be to hold a beautiful girl in my arms and have her tell me that I’m special to her. Cold shower.
Comments (3)
For what it is worth…were I not married and in a relationship that could be nothing but monogamous, I totally would have called you when you slipped me your number, and I totally would have been cool being the pet girlfriend in your relationship. And if I was/would have been interested, I imagine that there is at least another awesome girl out there who would be (and would be in a position to take you up on the offer).
I think it is natural to be nervous around prospective mates. I can talk to anyone, give a speech in front of a thousand strangers, but the moment I am faced with asking someone on a date, I freeze up. Luckily, when it really mattered, I swallowed my fear and asked anyway. And sometimes the chance of rejection is worth it.
@SnappletheHutt -
That’s super nice of you to say! I really hope there is someone out there, but I feel like if I get my hopes up too much I’m just leaving them open to be dashed to the ground.
I think maybe everyone is like that, but it’s really irritating you know? Right when you need to be your most confident for some reason your brain switches to sissy mode… *sigh* It’s so lame.
I’ve always believed that optimism was dangerous–that much farther to fall, you know–but I think a little bit isn’t a bad idea. I really do think that there’s someone out there. Maybe you just need a change of scenery to find them. Hello, grad school!
It is irritating. I wish it wasn’t that way…it’s so easy to be confident and totally awesome in your head, but when the time gets there, it all falls apart. And I really don’t know why…but sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it…take the plunge and all that. The worst that can happen is you get a no, in which case you move on and try again. Just remember that it’s not you…they just can’t handle your awesomeness.