November 1, 2010
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I have an incredible headache right now. I have a lot of work to do but I can barely focus. I’m almost positive it’s a stress headache.
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My anger with her has dulled slightly. It’s been almost a week, so if I use that as a scale for when I’ll be able to hang out with her amiably again, I would say it will be about a month.
The whole experience really made me rethink my life and what I’m doing here, not only because of her, but because of the way I felt about talking with others in concerns with the situation. It made me realize that I don’t really have many true friends here. Most people I could hardly imagine discussing everything with and of the two people I sought out for comfort, one of them basically brushed me off. So that leaves one person, one single person, other than my husband who I can talk to about this kind of thing. It’s really depressing and rather painful. I guess it’s times like these when your feelings are revealed most clearly to you from the depths of your psyche. All I feel is emptiness and lonely desperation when I think about the next few years here in this place.
It’s not only that I was betrayed by someone I cared about deeply. I also betrayed myself. I don’t trust my judgment anymore. Why did I keep going with her even though I knew it wasn’t going to work out in the end? Why do I do things sometimes even when they don’t really make me happy? Why am I doing anything? Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? Am I getting my PhD because it’s what I want to do or because it’s what I think I should want to do, what I’m “meant” to do? I started thinking all these things and realized…I really hate research. I hate being in the lab. I hate feeling “contaminated” by just passing though the threshold of the door. I hate working with things that could mutate my future children. I just hate it. And with that in addition to my sudden realization that I don’t really care about anyone here, I really want to pack up and leave. I want to run away from everyone and everything at this university and find something else to do with my life.
So, with that chaotic thought under my belt, I started to consider what I do like, what does make me happy. Almost everything I thought of other than spending time with my husband and playing video games and all that had to do with teaching. I like teaching. I love being a TA, or tutoring other students, or even helping my peers with their homework! Sharing my knowledge with other people is what drove me to apply to graduate school, to become a professor and teach college classes. But when I think about it, I had so much less contact with my college professors than I did with my high school teachers, and the person who had the most influence on my decisions about my future was my high school mathematics teacher. Would teaching high school be more satisfying to me than becoming a professor? No research, more personal investment in the lives of students…maybe it would. Thus, I started looking into getting certified as a high school teacher.
I thought maybe it would be easy. Take a couple classes, pass a test, done! However, that is absolutely not the case. The program here to become certified for secondary education is two years long, and I’m already two years into my PhD program, so I might be close to graduation in another two years anyway. Additionally, application to the certification program requires test scores from a test that has registration deadlines that have already passed. To take it in time to get my scores back, I would have to pay an extra $90! So I may not even be able to apply this year, leaving me with even more time at this university. I could also just stop at a Masters in Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering and then go on to pursue the certification separately, but, in addition to a pay cut, I feel like that would be burning bridges that don’t need to be burned unless I’m completely set on my decision. And I’m not. I think if I could have just taken a test and become certified, I would consider stopping at a Masters, but as is it will be at least a two year commitment here before I can leave anyway, so it doesn’t gain me any ground in getting the fuck away from here.
I’m at a loss. I feel like my whole life is an elaborate lie that I’ve made up to keep people from realizing that I actually have no idea what I’m doing. Why is everything so hard?
