October 24, 2010
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Well, if you go by those five stages that everyone talks about, I’m still knee deep in the Anger stage. I want to keep away from her as much as possible and I’m still really angry about everything. I know I’m to blame and I’m really only angry at myself, but I still get this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see her. It’s like that feeling you have right before you get really sick. You can tell something is up because your throat starts to hurt and you feel a little foggy, but it’s too late because you are already ill and there is nothing you can do about it.
I went to a house party last night and she was there, of course, because we have all the same friends. Sometimes I could feel her eyes on me and I think she really wanted us to talk to her, but we both got drunk at one point or another and I’ve never been drunk in such a state. Normally I get drunk with friends and I’m having a wonderful time and all I do all night is tell everyone how much I care about them and how good of friends we are. But I don’t feel like that about her anymore. Now all those warm, happy feelings are replaced by wicked, cruel thoughts. I can only imagine what I would have said to her if she had come up to me for a conversation. I worried about my husband also, since he was more drunk than he has ever been in his entire life. At one point we were on the porch all alone with her (not sure why she let that happen since my husband basically had to be outside so he didn’t vomit all over, but whatever…) and all I could do was talk about inane stuff so that my husband wouldn’t talk to her. I think if she had talked to him at that point it would have been a powder keg situation in which everything he usually holds back would have exploded all over her. Like me, he’s usually a really happy, silly drunk, but I could see in his eyes whenever she walked by or was looking over at us that he really wanted to tell her how hurt and annoyed by her presence he was.
Two days ago something came in the mail. My husband had purchased a surprise gift for her in the hopes that she would reward him with some affection, but that was before we broke up. We opened the gift and mulled over what to do with it and finally settled on just giving it to her because we didn’t want it in the apartment and didn’t know anyone else who would want it. Meeting her and handing it over was one of the most awkward moments I’ve ever had. I was less than thrilled to have to talk directly to her so soon after the break-up and I could feel my husband’s frustration at the fact that he had bought this little trinket out of love and now had to give it to her out of annoyance with it’s presence. I think I did a good job of sounding amiable enough, by my husband stayed silent. I think no matter what she knew that we didn’t want to be there with her and we really didn’t want to give her a present, but there was nothing else for it. I’m not going to just throw away something my husband spent $15 on when someone could use it.
Anyway, I don’t know when I’m going to get around to Bargaining, but I think I may skip right through it to Depression with the way I felt at the party and over the last week. I just have absolutely no feelings for her anymore. Like I said, the happiness and joy and affection have all faded into different shades of dislike and frustration. I have no desire to bargain with her anymore. I don’t want her back. I’m not even sure I can be her friend anymore, or ever again. Who knows how many lies she told me, how many times she pretended to be happy for my sake. I can’t stand that shit. I CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT. Yep, definitely still in the Anger stage. I just want her to disappear from my life altogether. I should have just let her break up with me the first time and moved on. At least then I probably would have been able to handle friendship. At least then she hadn’t made any of her deception apparent to me. At least then I still loved her.
But I will never love her again.
