April 26, 2006
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In response...
In response to one of my comments, let me give an example:
On some cold days it snows. You go and frolick in the snow. You build things from the snow. You make snow angels. The snow soaks your clothing. You become cold. You become really cold. You can no longer feel your toes, fingers, nose, ears and cheeks. You know that soon you will be so cold that you cannot feel anything. You try to get back inside but the door is lock and you have no key. You keep wishing for that hot chocolate that would save you from your fate, but you are without it and so cold you almost give up.
This is an example of my life before college. In this time, a xanga would have been my venting, my gentle, feelingless venting, for I was very depressed. I felt like I had nothing and no one. Despite the good things that happened to me in my life, I focused on the very few bad things. You might ask, "Why? Why were you so sad if good things happened to you?" My answer, "I was without love."
When you are young, before you reach the age of, say, 10, you do not understand love. You know your parents love you, but that is a different love. In this time, you are free to be happy and I was. I was a happy little child full of energy and imagination.
As I got older, others got more cruel. Differences between children were brought out by the mean ones and I was very different. My depression started with these cruelties. As I came into the age for boyfriends and girlfriends, I became more discouraged. I noticed that I liked both genders, but no one else did. I had to hide it all through middle and high school to keep the cruelty down. Also, the males I showed interest in gave me no interest back. I continually lowered my standards until I was dating the bottom of the barrel. I got into a long, poor relationship that pulled me down into the depths of true depression. I was in this relationship still as I started college.
Here is where my story picks up. I found the key. I could get back inside and drink my hot chocolate. The feeling in my body returned. The heat of living and loving and joy returned. I was back to the feeling I had about living back when I was 10, but with an added bonus, love. I started college with the hope of finding others who were not the same as the children at my small school, who were like me, who would accept me for all that I was. He was perfect. I found him so wonderful and he made me feel like I was again alive and drinking my hot chocolate in my nice warm house. I knew I was safe. I knew I had found what I had come to college looking for in him. I immediately broke the old, depression causing relationship and attached myself to him, my male now. He accepted me for all I was. He was attractive and smart and enjoyed the same things about life as I did. He was, in essence, the perfect being. Slowly, as the semester went on, I transitioned from my depressed state back into the state I am in now, pure joy.
I no longer need to vent, for there is nothing to vent about, nothing important anyway.
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