July 3, 2011
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I took a five day (26th – 30th of June) trip to Vancouver for the American Society of Engineering Education Annual Conference. Vancouver is a lovely city (aside from a couple minor detractors) and the conference was a great networking opportunity for me as I had expected it to be. However, the trip was absolutely awful. Let me list the reasons why (And yes, a lot of this will be unjustified complaining on my part, but it’s my blog!):
1. Mike wasn’t with me. For him to have come with me we would have had to pay another $1500 in plane tickets and we just weren’t prepared to do that. Looking back, I almost would have paid the money to have him with me, especially because both of us severely underestimated the crippling effects of being without the other for the duration of the trip.
2. I absolutely hate flying. I throw up. I hate people being really close to me. They smell funny almost inevitably. The toilets scare me. Everything about them is awful. This occasion was no exception. Between the guy who leaned over me to “look out the window” and instead grabbed my boob and the Brazilian guy who woke me up over and over to point out the window while I was trying to sleep through the flight, all FOUR of my flights were terrible. Also, I had layovers at DFW and Texas is one of my most hated states. Ugh.
3. I was all alone in my hotel room. This might not sound that bad, but when all you do is watch Canadian television by yourself and eat the random assortment of food you managed to come by at a local market, it gets kind of depressing. Sometimes I feel like after a certain amount of time not speaking that I’m going to forget how to speak. Being alone for long periods of time just makes me nervous. Maybe I’m a big baby, but whatever.
4. My traveling companions had their own agendas, so I spent much of the conference wandering around by myself. This was okay, except sometimes it’s nice to have someone with you to speak with, look at stuff with, laugh at things with, etc. Otherwise when funny or sad things happen, you suddenly realize how alone you are. For example, I walked along the water’s edge and into a local park. As I passed an old man on the walkway, he farted REALLY LOUDLY and I almost burst out laughing. But then I realized there was no one to laugh with me and I would probably just end up making the old man feel bad with no happiness gain myself from sharing the moment with someone else. It got pretty depressing.
5. People who speak “The Queen’s English” sometimes pretend that they can’t understand you to inconvenience you because you are American. One particular guy is my prime example. I came into a coffee shop looking for a caffeinated drink to keep me going for the day (after a long and fruitless search for a bubble tea that I won’t get into because I’ll sound like a whiny emo kid with too many white people problems). On the menu, one frappe flavor was called “frosted” and I wasn’t sure what that would taste like, so I asked. The guy literally what I had said like five times and when I just gave up and ordered something he went to the back and told me they were all out of everything. Then a Canadian person walked up with an extremely light accent, almost imperceptible. He immediately made a frappe for him RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and smirked at me. I guess he assumed since I had an event badge around my neck and an American accent that I wouldn’t be around long enough to complain about his horrible service. People can be such assholes.
6. I took some pictures, but they were all during the daytime and not far from the conference center because I was too afraid to go out alone for sightseeing. I felt way too nervous without Mike around to really do anything at night, and I was only brave enough to go within walking distance of the conference during the day without him. I got some pretty pictures, but I’m sure I would have gotten much nicer pictures farther from the conference. At least a nice old couple look a picture of me next to a Vancouver sign so that I didn’t have to try and take pictures of myself, which would have made me feel even more lonely.
7. The conference was international and therefore phone calls and texts were very expensive. I couldn’t call and talk to Mike or my parents or anyone for more than a few seconds, and because the hotel I was staying at only had free wi-fi in the lobby (I guess at least they had it SOMEWHERE) I would have to carry my computer and cord downstairs and sit right next to the foot traffic of people coming into the hotel to have any kind of interaction with anyone back home. One night I was so depressed that I was on the verge of tears and I very nearly paid the $15.95 it cost for one day of wi-fi in a hotel room just so I wouldn’t have to go out in public with red eyes and a snuffly nose. Basically, being in another country just compounded the loneliness I was feeling by like 50 times.
Like I said, the city was very beautiful and the conference was wonderful for networking, but I would have enjoyed it a million times more if only Mike had been with me or if it had been in the states instead of international. I guess I never realized how incredibly susceptible to being alone I am. Well, now I know and I’ll never go anywhere without Mike every again if I can help it.
Something else that this conference made me realize is that if I’m willing to have a long distance relationship with someone, I ironically don’t actually care about them that much. Otherwise, I would vehemently oppose the situation on the grounds that I want to be with them and that’s why I’m in a relationship with them. How people do long distance shit is beyond me. Maybe I’m too needy, but I have no desire to spend time away from my partners. “Me time” holds no interest to me. I chose Mike because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, not sometimes see him but mostly keep to myself! I think a lot of times people choose a partner because they are attracted to them first and because they find them enjoyable to be around second, but I think it should always be the other way around. One of my ex’s once said “I thought about dating [insert person's name here] when I first met her, but I never acted on it and now we are too good of friends to date.” WAT? There is no such thing. As I’ve said before, true love is your best friend who you are also attracted to in my opinion. The better friends you are before you date, the better chance you have for a successful relationship. Looks fade, attraction fades, but the deep understanding of one another that comes from being best friends for a lifetime will never leave you.
Speaking of relationships, the girl I messages a while ago replied by saying no in the nicest way possible. She said she loved us both and wished she could do what we do in terms of relationships, but couldn’t see herself in that kind of situation. She ended the message by saying she would definitely come visit us soon, etc., etc. It was very kind, but it was still a no. And because she replied while I was in Canada and Mike and I were both deep in a spiral of loneliness without the other, neither of us was really in a good place to mentally or emotionally deal with rejection from someone we were so interested in. I think we are over it now, but it’s made me rethink my life choices a bit. I began this quest for a woman in our relationship because I thought it would bring us even greater happiness than we already had…but maybe I was wrong. All I’ve gotten out of the pursuit of polyfidelity so far is pain and sadness. And if gay marriage is still looked upon so unfavorably in this country, when will polyamory EVER be accepted? I’m beginning to feel a lot like Don Quixote, sending myself on a fool’s errand because I’ve convinced myself that it will be fruitful in the end. I think I need a break from my quest. Maybe I’ll take a couple of months to reevaluate what has happened so far and if it really is worth it to continue on in the hopes of finding another person to share my life with.
I’ll post about my trip back to Columbia later on as I’m quite hungry now and this post is certainly long enough without the additional explanation.
