Once again I return to the real world, pulled away from the sureal visage of my future life with him. The weekend was wonderful. I didn't want it to end.

We enjoyed ourselves playing WoW, playing DDR, watching television together, talking, and just plan being together. It was so good to see his perfect form once again. We went to all the good restaurants that are opened during the early morning hours (meaning 1-5 am), along with my favorite restaurant, St. Louis Bread Co. (or Panera if you don't live in St. Louis), which isn't open then. I think my favorite part of the weekend was the driving around with him, chatting about this and that. I could talk to him for a hundred years straight and not get bored or run out of things to say. I miss him already.

On the day of my departure, I was doing fine. I wasn't going to cry. I made it past the hugs and kisses goodbye. I made it into my car and past watching him drive off to work. I made it past Six Flags...and then, for some reason, the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182 got me. I like that song a lot. I just burst into tears. Songs make me very emotional. I think the problem is that he is not someone else. He is not separate. We are together. When I leave his side it is as though someone has ripped half of my body away from me and left me to die as I lay in my own blood. I care little for others. No one matters. I never feel sad when I say goodbye to a friend or a family member, because there is no pain. With him, there is unending pain. I need him. I am pathetic and useless without him. We are one. Still, my happiness is without restraint because I know that he is mine and he loves me and I am his and I love him. This fact allows me to continue to function normally.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about time. I want to be with him for eternity. I cannot allow myself to die. 100 years is not enough. I want more. I will live. I will will myself to live. I will not die. I keep thinking about how one day I simply will not exist. My mind will disappear and my body will rot in the ground. I will return to the nothing which I began from. I want to believe in an eternal soul. I formulated a theory which consoles me slightly.

I think about how I came to be me, to see through these eyes, to touch with these hands. I think, perhaps, it could be the assignment of a soul to this vessel, my soul. Then I think about the problems with a soul, like brain damage and the fact that there are more and more people every day. I answer myself with this. The soul is not the vessel. The vessel can be injured but the soul is intact, the memories, the feelings, the thoughts, but the vessel becomes unable to extend them into the physical world. They stil exist, but they are captured within the broken vessel. Thus, brain damage is not a problem. I can still believe. As for the reuse theory, I feel that souls come from an unending energy source, one which cannot be depleted. It is simply an energy that does not deal in the laws of science. It is an energy, perhaps, from a different plane. I believe that the soul exists within a spectral plane and is pulled into the physical plane by the creation of an orgainsm. As soon as the organism, the vessel, dies, the soul is released back into the spectral plane, changed by the experiences it's vessel went through. These are the things I tell myself so that I am not afraid, every single day, that my perfect, wonderful life will be cut short by some freak accident. I want my soul to be eternal. I want there to be something more. If only I was stupid. If only I did not have the brain power to ponder such things in detail. If only the Bible could hold more sway over me. If only...

Well, enough of that serious stuff. Tomorrow is 2.99 Tuesday at the ol' Subway and I close. I need my rest. Plus, I cleaned apartments with my mom today (yesterday?) so I am especially tired. I must end this post with a suggestion:

Do as you would if you knew you would die in under a month. You never know if that is the case.

P. S. Sorry this one was so sad, but I can't help it. My only fear in the entire world is death and that is what I wrote it on. Of course it's going to be sad.

Yeah, sorry. You couldn't comment on this one before. I fixed it. I don't know why the heck it does that sometimes. Pisses me off.

Anyways, normally I have a bit of a fro, considering my hair is naturally curly and I have cut it very short to remove all the color that I no longer wished to display. Today, however, since I couldn't play WoW, I decided to see what it looked like when straightened. The results were...well...a bit emo, so I dressed up like a whiny emo kid. Emo kids are pretty hott when their little mouths are not open pissing and moaning about nothing...or writing it in their online diary more likely...am I emo? Well, at least I don't have a myspace account.

So there you are. Thought they might get a laugh from some people. I guess not really anyone but me, since no one knows what I look like normally. Well, whatever. What else am I supposed to do when I can't play WoW? Hope everyone is having a great day! Tomorrow is Friday. It will be a great day for me indeed.

<3 Katie

Perhaps I should not be so whiny. I am foolish indeed. As I often realize, my life is unendingly perfect and I am very lucky...perhaps the luckiest person on the planet. There is no reason for sadness, for I have him, whether or not he is about. Many have nothing, no one and no reason for joy. I have everything, him and all the reason in the world to be filled with happiness. I am, too. I just feel so helpless sometimes. Tied to my silly little job at Subway, I cannot go to him whenever I want to. I have to stay about in this idiotic town and do nothing...because that is all there is to do. I work and work out. I sleep. I call him. I play World of Warcraft and DDR. I am just getting a bit bored and a little lonely. My appologies for the excessive whining.

Moving on, I began investigation into a co-op or internship at Anheuser Busch today. I am hoping to get one in the Engineering department, but I would not mind Brewing either. Considering I have never consumed a single beer and only half a wine cooler in my entire existence, I would think that my virgin tongue would be an asset in the tasting department of the Brewery and I could work my way up to Brewmaster in time. Many find me silly for such thoughts, being that I am the opposite of one who enjoys alcoholic beverages, but I don't know...I just have a feeling it is where I need to be with my Chemical Engineering degree. It is unexplainable, this feeling, so just take my word and shut it, kids! We shall see. I suppose my mind would be better suited to other things...but I will pursue this path as long as I feel necessary.

Today was a good day for DDR. I played all the songs of 8 or more feet excluding the two hardcore kick-my-ass Paranoia songs on Extreme 2 and beat every one except Cartoon Heros. I am proud. Soon I will be able to beat Max 300. That will be a fine day indeed. I will frolick. As the weekend approaches along with the visit to his house, I become excited with the chance to play on an arcade machine once again. Ah, the feeling of the real pads beneath my feet as a move swiftly along them. It is good. I have become impressive and many watch, even on my doubles play. I can only play 7's and pass them, but it is still exciting to watch I suppose. I am pleased.

The fantasies creep through my mind constantly. I cannot stop the thinking. I know who my roommate is for next semester. I hope she does not read this entry, for what I am about to say is rather sensitve information. I find her very attractive. She goes to the gym often and has a good figure, along with flowing waistlength blonde hair. Her lips are thick and I long to know them personally. Her eyes are bright and her smile is nice. I am excited, needless to say. She and I get along reasonably well and I would call her a friend. I have a strange feeling about her, as though perhaps she thinks naughty things about me as well. I made a facebook group called "Katie ******** Is Freakin' Awesome" and she joined it. I made it just to be silly and no one else joined it, but she did. She and I are the only members. It is interesting to me in a strange way.

Another female has caught my attention again. I found her xanga long ago and she suddenly signed onto AIM. I had to talk to her. I am not good at picking up chicks, just to let you know. It is a wonder she didn't instantly block me with the things that I said. Where does my brain go when faced with a beautiful girl? I can talk to any male, at any time for any reason. Why can I not do the same with females? Anyway, she agreed, after talking to me for a bit, to go on a date with me this coming Autumn. I was excited and so what he! We rejoiced as we ran about on our little Tauren critters on Argent Dawn. Oh, the joy of a successful chick-picking-up. I am proud. We will see what comes of these females in time.

Well, my stories for today are over. I am getting sleepy. I will dream of Asian sex slaves and beautiful cottages in the mountains of Colorado as he and I enjoy ourselves in hottubes filled with bubblebath. Oh, and don't forget the Asian housemaid with her naughty outfit and tray of pizza rolls for us to enjoy as we bathe with our sex slaves. Ah, I love dreams. Well, good night and good luck.

As a final note, I hate 2.8 kb/s. Bitch patch. My flashdrive will come with me to recieve it on his house's high speed internet and carry it back to mine.

Well...things are okay.

I really wish that he and I were together, perhaps sharing a dwelling. I need him when I sleep to hold. He is warm. He is the most attractive male I have ever seen. I need him. Without him I am still very desolate and harsh. I am not myself. Others notice. I will taste him once again this weekend. I have taken off work for a short trip to see him. I have to drive to St. Louis by myself. I am frightened. Then I will feel better for a moment, but only for a moment.

I find myself unwaveringly empty. Things that would normally bring me great joy are starting to sink into nothingness like the old times before him. My happiness is being drained from me with epic speed. Music has only a fraction of its normal affect on me. It moves me less and less each day. The sky is not as pretty. My coleus, while beautiful and growing well, could make me smile more. It is as though the color in my world is sucked away when he is not near me. I am no longer awake. I need his touch to stop the slumber.

I found a kitten yesterday. I helped my mother clean vacant apartments in preparation for the Fall influx of discusting male creatures from the technical college on my day off because I love her and I want her workload to be lessened. First we cleaned at the ones across from the damned hellhole of a college and then moved to the ones in town. As I came outside after I had finished the cleaning, I heard the gently cries of a cat when it is in need, that yowlly kind of cry that can mean nothing else. I ran to find it. The delicate little creature was hiding in the storage shed for on the old garden center building which my parents converted into apartments. It would almost come out to me...but was frightened when it smelled the bleach on my hands from the cleaning of 7 bathtubs, 7 fridges and 7 toilets (nasty, nasty, nasty toilets) during the day's work. My mother came down and caught it with her usual thriftiness when it comes to animals (She did work at a vet's office for a long time and own a lot of livestock over the course of her life thus far.). So small and weak, it had little energy to even struggle from us and was frighteningly calm in my hands on the drive home. My mother was not sure it would eat, considering the possibility of a week long starvation after its mother died (told to us by one of the random tenants of the apartments), being hit on the road. The trauma to its internal organs and the weakness could have prevented it from recovering, but luckily it was ready to eat and has come alive today. Aside from the deformed front paw, Buster (My father named him.) seems fit as a fiddle now. He is soooo cute! Yet...he brings me less joy than he would if my male was here with me to enjoy him.

The most recent patch for WoW is currently downloading on my computer. Seeing as I have dial-up, the estimated download time is 42:35:47, that being 42 HOURS. I see my WoW playing as being limited until the end of Thursday. I sure love dial-up. Well, at least it gives me time to play with little Buster. He will need lots of love as he realizes that his mother is never coming back. Cats aren't stupid and they have feelings, too.

I am pleased to have a couple of members signed up for my "Stout Ale and Tall Tales" website. I am glad that they took the time to do so and it warms my heart to see their interest! It is important to me for an RP guild that the members be dedicated. I hope it continues.

On a good note, I weighed 119 pounds this morning! I am very proud! I will stop dieting soon, but continue the working out. I like being noted as the strongest of Subway girls, able to lift and carry soda syrup refill boxes in a single trip! Subway is also going well...except that I hate the excessive business of 2.99 Tuesdays. The money is still nice, however, and I hope to have $800 or $900 in my savings account at the end of the summer for college stuff.

Well, I guess overall I am pleased. Everything seems to be going really well. I have a good job, I am looking great, I am excited about next year and all that stuff. Unfortuantely, I am not happy. Aside from the missing of him...I notice that others no longer make me happy. I find them all foolish and idiotic. Perhaps before I met anyone as smart as him...I thought my friends to be of average intelligence...but now I realize that they are at least a bit below. No one is interested in talking about anything but partying and who is cheating on who and how much sex people are having. How I miss him and his intelligent conversation, as well as his affinity, like me, for video games. So, overall...I am pleased, but unhappy because I have discovered the true terror of my hometown...hillbillies...and also because I am without him. Everything but the human interaction part of my life is grand. Well. That was a long one. I believe I am finished here.

<3 Katie :)

This morning I weighed myself and I was 121 pounds! This is wonderful news, seeing as how he put a cap on my weightloss of 120 pounds. I am almost done with my dieting! Exciting to say the least. I am very pleased overall by this.

An unfortunate event has taken place today. I got my credit card bill. I have a $500 limit because I don't like credit cards...and my bill was $452. I suck at saving money with gas this high... Fortunately my paychecks will more than cover it and I am safe, but damn that stupid black gold.

I created a website for my RP guild on Silverhand today also. It is through www.guildportal.com, which is a very easy to use site for guilds. It has everything you need all built in. I really like it. But I set it all up and such and I hope to see that some of my members have already signed up for the site. Good times. We are growing quickly and I believe we are 37 at the moment. "Stout Ale and Tall Tales" attracts many players solely for the name. I like it also.

Well, not much to tell today. Did a bit of instance running on my main on Silverhand, little Catharynia. She is a level 26 paladin and we (my guild mates and I from Knights of Pandion) ran the Stockades last night. We only wiped once...my fault. No one was mad except for me, at myself. It was tons of fun anyway and afterward, Rollon (his corresponding character) and I kicked undead ass in Darkshire. I hate undead! Gross! I would never make an undead character. EVER!

Tomorrow is Father's Day and the family (mine, not the Mafia) is going up to Jefferson City for a day of togetherness. I made my Dad some cookies at Subway and also a card. I drew myself baking cookies in it. If I was my Dad, I would have liked it. My Dad was happy and ate the cookies. Another job well done for Katie: Ultimate Subway Worker! My Mom got me a present as well today, which was unexpected but enjoyable. My favorite plant in the entire universe is the coleus. I bought one at college, but my roommate closed the blinds and shocked it to death from lack of sunlight. I was sad. As I came in the door today, a little pack of coleus was waiting for me on the kitchen table! All kinds of colors and one of the plant that died in my dorm room were present! I was pleased! I am buying a window planter to set them up in so that I can enjoy them! I love coleus.

These are coleus.

Anyway, overall, I am very pleased. I still lack him and that makes me a sad panda, but that is something I must deal with. A quick but random thought...here is a list of good movies that I thought about in the last 20 seconds:

1. The Mothman Prophecies
2. Signs
3. The Village
4. Back to the Future
5. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
6. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
7. James and the Giant Peach

Alright, no questions about how those tie together. Toodles.

<3 Katie :)

A quick update on the situation with DDR...I totally beat "Can't Stop Falling in Love: Speedy Mix" with a bitchin' A!! w00t!!11!1 Anyway, yeah, not much else to tell really.

<3 Katie :)

Well, since I got a couple comments, I guess I will write another entry. I just don't have anything really super happy to write about and I don't want to depress people, but I guess when I talk about how awesome my life is and brag about myself...that doesn't make anyone feel too great either. Anyway, here goes.

I am a mess without him. Two hours is two too many. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I don't want to work...I just want to see him. I constantly think about how much I miss him when he is not near me to hold and squeeze and kiss and love. How is it that this amazing creature, this perfect person for me has come into my life. I continue to marvel at my incredible luck in meeting him. Without him I am so irritable and angry. Little things that don't matter make me incredilbly angry now. I am snappy. I am a jerk. I constantly need a nap. To offset the pain, I have gone about doing things to keep my mind off of it. I play DDR and work out ferociously. I immerse myself in the World of Warcraft. I even play with him. None of it matters. I can still only think about having him in my arms when I am all alone at night trying to fall asleep. My thoughts center around it when I leave myself even a moment to think. Next summer we HAVE to live together. I can't take this agony. I am not in love. I have found the other half of my soul and having it away from me is killing me. We are one. I am not in love, I am whole.

Well, besides my incredible agony and anguish, I am doing pretty good. My little job as Subway is paying off, as I get about $350 each paycheck. Huzzah! It is easy and, for that sum, it is more than worth the small amount of effort. The boss still trusts me above all others and asks me my opinion, which, being the egotist that I am, makes me very happy. She respects me as I respect her. Things are as they should be at the ol' Subway.

A quick aside...have you ever moved with urgency without a shirt on? When moving with a small amount of speed through my house naked as I prepared my fourthmeal of toasted ravioli, I noticed that the tiny hairs all over my skin were slightly rustled by the wind I created as I pushed air aside throughout the kitchen. It was kind of like someone tickling me (which I enjoy, mind you) and made me think of him. Anyway, completely random little thought there.

As I said, I've been working out and playing DDR a lot lately. It has paid off! I have learned to "twist" as he calls it and can now beat "Can't Stop Falling in Love: Speedy Mix" with a B. I am pretty proud. Also, I can bench about 100 pounds now. It may not be impressive to you males out there, but for a little chicky like me, I am pretty happy. Also, all this physical fitness crap, along with eating better, has gotten me down to a muscular 123 pounds. Eight more pounds to go and I will be at my target of 115. I am pleased. I look so much better in the mirror than I did a two years ago. *sigh* I would do me.

World of Warcraft is a pretty sweet game. I really enjoy leveling up and doing the professions, especially herbalism. Good times at failing to pick flowers! Lols! Anyway, my highest level character is 30 at the moment and that is fine with me. Seems being level 60 makes you a jerk anyway. I have two guilds on Argent Dawn. For the Alliance I have created "Dancing Trainer" which only consists of me and him. For the Horde I have, brace yourselves, "Sweet Sweet Heart Magic." I know, pretty goofy, but it is just for me and him again, so whatev, jerk RP kids who hate people for little to no reason. On Silverhand I have just started a real guild for me, him AND other people called "Stout Ale and Tall Tales." It's an RP guild designed to be relaxing and enjoyable for members. No one is ever kicked out for inactivity, everyone is welcome and the only rule is to have fun and be nice...OH! and no freaking constant raids! I love the tabards for all the guilds and I will have to take some screen shots and post them for you. Oh, and also on Silverhand I am one of five officers in the guild "Knights of Pandion." This guild, which I am glad to NOT be the guild master of, is working toward hardcore raiding. I will help them out how I can, but at the moment that is very little. I can only give my insight into how to recruit, since I did it a lot for the others I started and abandon. It's quite a bit of fun and keeps my mind off missing him when I play...but not once I log off.

Well. I think I will make the next entry entirely about World of Warcraft because I could write a damn book souly on that game. Good times. Well, comment with any questions you might have and I will be back later with some tabard screenshots for you to enjoy.

<3 Katie

Alright, I'm tired of xanga. I realize now what my problem is. I'm not super bored of my life, I'm just bored of xanga. Well, I think I'm done with xanga for a while. I'm going to take a break and I'm sure I will feel better in a few days about posting. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

So, thanks for reading, this is not "goodbye," just "see you later."

<3 and :)
Katie

I will now be implementing the "question of the day." Let's see how this works out.

QUESTION OF THE DAY: If you could be a character from D&D and have all the powers and skills associated with that character, what race and class would it be and why?

Well, that being thrown out there, I must confess that I am finding myself too bored and annoyed at my real life to continue to talk about it. I'm sure once I get back to college it will be worth talking about again, but right now I think I will stick to more entertaining things, like video games and why they are cool, along with nerd culture in general. I'm sure I will throw in a couple naughty ones, too, but not on myself probably. Those things will be moved to my hentai website, which is stated in my interests on the sidebar.

To begin, a statement on female nerds in MMO's: There are none. Okay, just kidding, but really, think about it, how many times have you been talking to someone and known FOR SURE that they were a girl? I would say that less than 10% of all MMO players are female. Of those 10%, most are mistaken for males because everyone automatically assumes that girls don't play video games. Why? This phenomenon may have a number of causes.

1. Often, male players assume that female players could not cut it in the MMO world because they are naturally video game retarded. This, in most cases, is true. Lots of girls are too completely "girly" to become immersed in the video game world.

2. Nerdy girls ALWAYS seem to have boyfriends because they are rare. When a player states that he/she is female, then most male players (and myself) are instantly thinking, "She's got a boyfriend and they play together." This is also true in most cases. If the player then states that "she" does not have a boyfriend, red flags go up. A nerdy girl without a boyfriend...what's wrong with her? In these cases, it is usually a male player who likes to pretend he is a female one or a really, really creepy nerdy girl. Because of this, female players (actual ones, that is) are either ignored or thought to be male by associated statement.

3. Everyone likes to have a character of the opposite gender sometimes. Heck, I have a couple male characters because I think they look cooler than the females in World of Warcraft. Therefore, it is hard to know if someone is really either gender. By #1, most are assumed male anyway.

I guess it really isn't a bad thing. Who cares what gender you are, really. It doesn't matter one wit. Just explaining an interesting phenomenon that occurs in MMO's, along with video games in general. Few females play video games and it is a crying shame, but what can ya do?

<3 and
-Katie

So, I've been MMORPGing lately. World of Warcraft is a very enjoyable game. I have so many characters, though, I will probably never get any of them to level 60. All the better, I suppose. Then I would have to raid and PvP all the time. Gross.

I think I like the warrior the most. I like smashing things, warriors smash things, it all works out. Also, warriors are the protectors, the "tanks" that keep the weak-bodied little mages from harm. Makes me feel important and strong...except for my gnome warrior. Gnomes just can't make you feel strong. Seriously. Then I like paladins. They are like warriors, only they can heal themselves and are a little less smashy. I like not dying even without potions, though. So, yeah, paladins are cool, too.

I hate warlocks and hunters and I'm not much for druids or mages. I would make a druid or a mage, but I would like never play on them. The other classes I am neutral toward. They are cool and all, just not as cool as the warrior and the paladin.

I am racist against the undead and the orcs. All other races are cool. When the expansion comes out, I will be racist against the blood elves, as well. Fools. I guess I just don't really like the Horde all that much. I like tauren because they love the earth and their tails are cute and I like trolls...I don't know why I like trolls. Maybe because the guys breakdance. Wewt! I think my favorite race would have to be gnomes, though. They are the most fun to jump with. I like to jump. Night elves flip when they jump. I like them a lot, too.

I think guilds are overrated. They are either too hardcore for me, or not hardcore enough for me. Maybe I just don't like them. I don't know. I made my own once, on the Argent Dawn server. It's called "Dancing Trainer" so you look like a Dancing Trainer when you walk around flagged in a big city. Good times. It had like 40 people in it until I left for spring break and just didn't update the website. I didn't really care about all the lame people that joined it. I just thought it was funny, so when people started freaking out because we didn't have any planned events and crap...I just got bored of it. I still have it. I still like the name. I kicked everyone out except for my male and me. Ha.

I have characters on Silverhand and Argent Dawn, but I think I will try out a Normal server and see what it is like compared to an RP server, since there isn't much RP in the darn things anyway. I guess I have to join one of those hardcore guilds to get in on the real RP action, but I'm...just not hardcore, like I said. Well, whateva.

If anyone is on the Argent Dawn server and wants to join Dancing Trainer, just comment and I will look for you next time I am on. The guild is not about anything but having a funny name under yours, so be warned.

Yeah, so consider this my new topic. I think since my real life is boring I will just talk about the fake world that I adventure in. That should be entertaining for me, if not for any computer nerds who check this blog out. Overall, I am pleased.