June 21, 2006

• I dunno...

  Well...things are okay.

  I really wish that he and I were together, perhaps sharing a dwelling. I need him when I sleep to hold. He is warm. He is the most attractive male I have ever seen. I need him. Without him I am still very desolate and harsh. I am not myself. Others notice. I will taste him once again this weekend. I have taken off work for a short trip to see him. I have to drive to St. Louis by myself. I am frightened. Then I will feel better for a moment, but only for a moment.

  I find myself unwaveringly empty. Things that would normally bring me great joy are starting to sink into nothingness like the old times before him. My happiness is being drained from me with epic speed. Music has only a fraction of its normal affect on me. It moves me less and less each day. The sky is not as pretty. My coleus, while beautiful and growing well, could make me smile more. It is as though the color in my world is sucked away when he is not near me. I am no longer awake. I need his touch to stop the slumber.

  I found a kitten yesterday. I helped my mother clean vacant apartments in preparation for the Fall influx of discusting male creatures from the technical college on my day off because I love her and I want her workload to be lessened. First we cleaned at the ones across from the damned hellhole of a college and then moved to the ones in town. As I came outside after I had finished the cleaning, I heard the gently cries of a cat when it is in need, that yowlly kind of cry that can mean nothing else. I ran to find it. The delicate little creature was hiding in the storage shed for on the old garden center building which my parents converted into apartments. It would almost come out to me...but was frightened when it smelled the bleach on my hands from the cleaning of 7 bathtubs, 7 fridges and 7 toilets (nasty, nasty, nasty toilets) during the day's work. My mother came down and caught it with her usual thriftiness when it comes to animals (She did work at a vet's office for a long time and own a lot of livestock over the course of her life thus far.). So small and weak, it had little energy to even struggle from us and was frighteningly calm in my hands on the drive home. My mother was not sure it would eat, considering the possibility of a week long starvation after its mother died (told to us by one of the random tenants of the apartments), being hit on the road. The trauma to its internal organs and the weakness could have prevented it from recovering, but luckily it was ready to eat and has come alive today. Aside from the deformed front paw, Buster (My father named him.) seems fit as a fiddle now. He is soooo cute! Yet...he brings me less joy than he would if my male was here with me to enjoy him.

  The most recent patch for WoW is currently downloading on my computer. Seeing as I have dial-up, the estimated download time is 42:35:47, that being 42 HOURS. I see my WoW playing as being limited until the end of Thursday. I sure love dial-up. Well, at least it gives me time to play with little Buster. He will need lots of love as he realizes that his mother is never coming back. Cats aren't stupid and they have feelings, too.

  I am pleased to have a couple of members signed up for my "Stout Ale and Tall Tales" website. I am glad that they took the time to do so and it warms my heart to see their interest! It is important to me for an RP guild that the members be dedicated. I hope it continues.

  On a good note, I weighed 119 pounds this morning! I am very proud! I will stop dieting soon, but continue the working out. I like being noted as the strongest of Subway girls, able to lift and carry soda syrup refill boxes in a single trip! Subway is also going well...except that I hate the excessive business of 2.99 Tuesdays. The money is still nice, however, and I hope to have $800 or $900 in my savings account at the end of the summer for college stuff.

  Well, I guess overall I am pleased. Everything seems to be going really well. I have a good job, I am looking great, I am excited about next year and all that stuff. Unfortuantely, I am not happy. Aside from the missing of him...I notice that others no longer make me happy. I find them all foolish and idiotic. Perhaps before I met anyone as smart as him...I thought my friends to be of average intelligence...but now I realize that they are at least a bit below. No one is interested in talking about anything but partying and who is cheating on who and how much sex people are having. How I miss him and his intelligent conversation, as well as his affinity, like me, for video games. So, overall...I am pleased, but unhappy because I have discovered the true terror of my hometown...hillbillies...and also because I am without him. Everything but the human interaction part of my life is grand. Well. That was a long one. I believe I am finished here.

  <3 Katie :)

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