Well, yesterday I spent 10 hours helping with the Science Olympiad.  Six of those hours I was standing selling t-shirts to foolish parents.  My shins are pretty angry with me.  Regardless, if was fun and it made me remember all the goofy-fun times I had in high school winning little medals and hanging with my nerdier classmates at math and science competitions.  Those were some good times.  I also met an interesting mechanical engineering body builder guy who was only there because he had to do 10 hours of community service for rearending a little sedan at a stoplight.  He had this theory that if he thought about anything hard enough, it would happen for him.  A stupid theory, but I think that the underlying concept of postive thinking is very worthwhile, even if the belief that it will get you everything you want is a little unrealistic.  Overall, he proved enough entertainment for me to not make fun of him for being retardedly muscular.

Yesterday was also the statewide music competitions, so repeat what I just said about the memories. 

It's so strange to think of all the things I've done in my life that won't matter one bit at all in relation to anything else, but seemed so important at the time.  All the silly little high school clubs I was in, all the friends I made and subsequently lost contact with due to the meeting of more interesting people, all the boyfriends I had, all the video games I beat, all the clothing I grew out of, all that stuff.  None of it matters now.  No one cares about any of it...except maybe some of my nerdy friends caring the games I beat.  In fact, pretty much all the stuff I'm doing right now, all the clubs, the events, the playing of WoW, all of it won't matter the instant I graduate from college and get a job.  It's like each new step you take down the road of your life erases the importance of most of the steps leading up to it.  I mean, lots of the stuff I mentioned contributed to making me who I am, but really, if I had never done it, who would care?  What difference would it make?  I would still eventually get a job and have a life.  I guess what I'm getting at is that in the end, I should quit stressing out about things that will eventually not matter one little bit.  I'm going to work on that.

Anyways, back to current events and away from my philosophical musings.  I tried talking to "Jason" two days ago on WoW.  His character logged on and I said hi, only to find out that it was actually Jason's roommate playing Jason's character, thus explaining why "Jason" hadn't been talking to Mike like he usually did whenever he logged in.  Also, new information gathered from this roommate tells me that the reason Jason hasn't been on AIM is not because he is avoiding me, but rather because he had slept a total of five hours in the three days before the day I talked to his roommate on WoW.  The poor thing is working himself to the bone to study for all his finals which are this week.  With this new knowledge, I can calm down and just wait until the end of the week before deciding that Jason hates me and will never talk to me again.  I am relaxed by this.  Today, all I've done is played WoW and taken my beautiful new HHR out for a drive to Panera Bread to enjoy me some cookies and salad.  I feel good.

I'm really skinny now.  I noticed this morning.  All the forgetting to eat from stress, swimming to calm my nerves and playing DDR just to stomp has made me extremely attractive.  Hopefully, Jason will think so to because he WILL go on a date with me whether he wants to or not.  How unlucky for him that I am strangely obsessed with him and will stop at nothing to remove his clothing as well as understand his soul.

On that note, perhaps I should speak a bit on Mike and recent developments in that direction.  Two nights ago, he and I went out to El Maguey and afterward we walked around campus.  He got touchy, but I was a little starved for such things so I allowed it.  We kissed and hugged and all that jazz as we wandered around near the columns and finally returned to my car so I could drive him back to his dorm.  When we got there he invited me up.  I agreed after thinking for a bit about what would happen and accepting the consequences.  We had sex and immediately afterward I was sad that we had.  I didn't enjoy it.  I thought about Jason.  I wanted to run away.  I think this seals the fact that I am no longer in love with him.  He is a great person and a fine friend, but husband material he is no longer.  My mind has changed somehow over the past couple of months and I believe it to be irreversible.

Anyway, last week of classes this week and then finals afterward.  May 11th I can move into my new apartment.  Things will change rapidly after this day and I am excited to see where it is I will end up.  I think it will be a wild ride.

I found myself unintersted in studying for Organic Chemistry and instead decided to represent my life as a nucleophilic stubstitution of a chiral carbon.  I wonder if there are any chemistry nerds who read this.

What?  Let me explain.

In the last two years I have:
- cheated on my current sexual partner for the first time.
- thought of suicide for the first time.
- thought of injuring myself to make the pain in my mind go away for the first time.
- alienated my friends for the first time.
- had uncontrollable feelings for the first time.
- experienced the death of a loved one for the first time.
- not understood what I was doing or thinking and why for the first time.
- lost my appetite and actively tried not to eat for an entire day for the first time.
- completely stopped thinking about my hopes and dreams in favor of pleasing others for the first time.

- and finally...lost track of who the hell I am for the first time.

The more time I spend alone, the more I realize how sad I am.  Also, the more time I spend alone, the more I realize that I am less sad when I am alone (not a good sign for young Michael).  I've been listening to music whenever I want, swimming whenever I want, playing DDR whenever I want, eating when and where I want, and pretty much just DOING WHATEVER I WANT!!  I actually enjoyed doing homework today like I used to in high school because I wasn't burdened by the worry of trying to hurry and do something with Mike.  I'm getting my mind back, I think.  I'm getting my concentration powers back.  I'm getting what I lost back.  I'm finally stopping to think about myself again for the first time in a little over two years.  I'm remembering why I like being me, rather than why Mike liked me, or what I made myself for him.  I'm not blaming him.  I'm blaming myself for allowing my own self image to be manipulated by the incredible urge to please him.  If not for Mike, I would never have cheated on my partner or really any of those things I listed other than experiencing the death of a loved one.  I started molding myself into the person I created in my own head from what Mike said and did in response to me. 

BUT, if I did this, if I allowed this to happen to me and not just with Mike either, with everyone, can I ever really enjoy being with ANYONE?!  Am I so malleable that I try to conform to everyone?  I never played DDR until I met Mike.  I never played WoW until I met Mike.  You know what, I don't even LIKE WoW!!  It's boring after a while and costs lots of money!!  I never would have started playing Legend of the 5 Rings if not for my friend Adam, and I don't even like the game!  I just play so I can talk about it with him and his roommate Paul!  The only things I have ever really liked for myself are the things that I have experienced by myself.

What is the word for that, where you try to please everyone but leave your own feelings out of the mix?  What am I?  How can I fix it?  Is being alone forever the only option for my happiness?  I mean, really, I don't think I would mind being alone forever.  I like being alone.  I guess I would never have children, but should someone like me really have kids?  I'm probably the kind of person who would eventually get a divorce from anyone I ever married.  Oh god, what the hell can I do?  HOW DO I FIX IT?!?  I don't want to be like this.  I don't want to make myself depressed by human interaction.  Is it just an engineering thing?  Are all sad little nerdy engineers like me, hiding from a world they don't want to be part of?  Why am I still up?  Because I'm all alone, enjoying the typing of my own thoughts.

And Jason, maybe you should just never call me.  Never talk to me again.  You'll be better off.  Learn from your best friend.  Learn from my ultimate boredom with him and say no when I inevitably call you out of curiosity and longing for the capture of your virginity.  Tell me I'm a stupid bitch so that I can be justified in returning to my seclusion from everyone else and mindlessly wasting more hours on trying to get to level 70 in WoW.  Tell me I'm ugly so I can start stuffing my face with food without care for my outward appearance.  Tell me I'm worthless so that I can continue on through life trying to prove you wrong by doing all my little homework, being part of 6,000 organizations, doing groundbreaking research and getting an insanely good job.  Tell me all the things that Mike would never tell me because he is clouded by a desire to continue our safe little journey to eventual marriage, childrearing and finally death.  Tell me so I know that someone thinks I should hide from everyone, because when I hide I am free, and freedom is almost indistinguishable from perfection.

I'll just hide, read LOVELESS, play video games, get good grades, get a good job, buy a great house, and once I'm safe I'll retire and enjoy all the things that old women enjoy...like cats, and of course I'll play DDR until I'm like 70 and freak out all the kids that populate the nearest arcade to my home.  I don't need anyone.  I don't want anyone.  I want to be me.  I want to have casual sex when I need it and casual friendships when they benefit me.  I guess what I'm saying is for once in my life I want to be completely and utterly selfish.  After years of looking out for everyone else's feelings and taking the blame for everything and saying SORRY AFTER EVERTHING I DO I am going to think about myself for a while.  I'm not going to tell anyone that I am sorry unless I really am.  I'm not going to blame myself for what other people do to me.  I'm not going to make others happy when it makes me sad to do so.  So there.  Take that in the face, world!  I'm done being a doormat.  I'm done taking care of everyone else before myself.  I'm done sacrificing my own joy for that of others!!

Now, I'm not saying I'm going to actively try not to please other people, I'm just saying that I'm going to move up in the priority ranking of people to please to position numero uno.

Anyway, it's late.  I'm probably kind of out of it from the excessive physical activity of playing 12 straight games of DDR out of malice for the world as well as having only eaten a small amount of pasta and two slices of pepperoni pizza today in protest of interacting with others to obtain food.  I think I'm going to go to sleep.

I hate the waiting.  I know that Mike and I are pretty much over.  I don't think we will get back together.  I hate waiting to find out how living together will go.  I hate waiting to see if I will mess up and accidentally kiss him or hug him.  I hate all the waiting.  I want my mind to go to sleep for the next couple weeks and for it to then wake up when I have finished my last final.

I also hate waiting for Jason.  Will he call me or did he mean that it was my responsibility to call him in a couple weeks when his stuff was finished?  Will he give me a chance?  Is it all way to soon for him?  Is it all way too soon for me?  I just need the answers to these questions so the sickness in my stomach can gtfo and I can get on with my life.  Over and over and over I think about everything that's going on and it's like I live for weeks within my head in a matter of 30 or 40 minutes while I walk or when I'm trying to sleep or when I'm doing homework or when I'm in class.  Time passes so slowly.  I need the weeks to be gone.  I don't want to wish away my life, but I do want to wish away the end of this semester.

On the upside, I will officially be not an officer of the DDR Club next semester.  I can pass the torch and get on to things that will better my resume to a greater degree.  Today I got elected as the President of AIChE (American Institute of Chemical Engineers) and as the Vice President of Communications of MESC (Mizzou Engineering Student Council).  Bitches betta recognize when I get all up in their grills with my rizzlume.  I'z gonna get me some JIZZOBZZ!!!

Anyway, as soon as all this "who am I going to have sex with over the summer" stuff is over, I'll be back on track.  Hopefully everything will work itself out.  Really, it usually does if you just leave it alone.  I'm applying that rule to Jason.  I didn't get on AIM all day and I don't plan to ever again...mostly because I hate instant messaging.  If he wants to talk to me in the meantime, then he can call me or talk to me on WoW if I get time to play.  I really hope it all works itself out.  I'm really banking on it because if I didn't believe it I would go crazy right now.

This is the current situation:

He's not my male anymore.  We had sex yesterday and I just knew afterward that I couldn't be his girlfriend anymore.  I had to make it stop.  The whole time I was thinking of Jason and how he would taste and feel and look in the same positions.  I almost said Jason's name.  I had to end the suffering.  It's not as bad as it seems, though.  I guess since I can't say "my male" anymore I will just say Mike.  Mike took it pretty well and I think we will be okay as just friends and roommates over the summer.  We have lots of the same interests and have fun together...but I'm just not interested in him sexually anymore.  I am hopeful that everything will work out and I feel a good vibe about the whole "just friends" thing.  We may have to work at it at first since a over a year long relationship often makes things like hugs and such second nature, but I think that eventually we can...or I can work out exactly what is going on in my head.

Meanwhile, Jason is making me really sad.  I called him, which I shouldn't have done anyway and then he called Mike and told him.  That's what I get for trying to get with a set of best friends.  The funny thing is that Mike doesn't really like Jason all that much.  He always says that he's a good friend, but he couldn't talk to him about anything important.  I feel kind of bad for Jason since he seems to hold Mike in so much higher regard.  Also, he is pretty standoffish whenever I talk to him on AIM.  I just told him I would leave him alone until he felt like talking to me, but if that is never I would like to know, too.  I mean, I know this is a pretty turbulent time for all college kids.  Classes are coming to a close and it is a mad scramble to get all the information you need in your head in time for finals, but at least he could say either yes I want you to talk to me or no I don't want you to talk to me.  That's all I ask.  And really, if he doesn't want me to talk to him then why am I even bothering in the first place.  Anyways, it's just pissing me off a lot.  I'll be so glad when summer is here and I can just try and relax.

So, I'm about to go back on my promise not to talk to him, so we will see how that goes.

So, my male and I are taking "a break" from each other.  We will not see each other until Monday next week and see how each of us fairs.

In the mean time, I've been chatting with Jason and listening to my iTunes to keep my mind occupied.  I don't want to talk to him about the whole "break" thing, because I don't want him to think I'm hitting on him.  I don't need a new boyfriend if my relationship crumbles.  I just need some time to be single and enjoy life for what I make it all by myself.  However, things got a tiny bit interesting to me.  Here is a quick copy and paste from our conversation:

[22:16] Jason: well, I need to head out for like 30 minutes
[22:16] Jason: well, 30-60.  Not sure how long this will take.  Need to take a companion out on an errand since he has no vechille
[22:17] irocknojoke: Okey doke.   You gonna be back on AIM later?
[22:17] Jason: if you are still on

He never shows any emotion and never comes back on AIM just because I am on.  If any of you knew him you would understand my surprise.  All I told him was that my male and I were taking a break and I didn't want to talk about it.  I didn't say anything about wanting hardcore sex with him or anything.  I'm confused and kind of excited.  Looks like he doesn't hate me and isn't just talking to me because I'm his best friend's boyfriend.  Neat!

Anyway, I actually looked at my porn folder tonight.  I haven't done that in sooo long!  I forgot how great some of the stuff I had in there was.  Seriously...where did I find those hot pictures?  I'm always in my male's room and even though I know where his porn folder is, we have different tastes, so I don't really enjoy it that much.  It's so nice just to be sitting alone in my own room without anyone bothering me and being able to do whatever the fuck I want.  It rocks!!!  Ahhhh...so nice, like a hot bath after a hard day's work.

I'm sure all this is terribly boring, but it's all I got, so deal.

He's so fragile, so delicate...and it is obvious that he is completely and utterly in love with me.  To him, I am everything he could ever want.  He left this on my desktop this morning:

This is a list of reasons why I love you Katie and why you are so special to me.

- You're smart.  You know lots of interesting things about everything, like nature and science and math and video games and lots of other things.  You learn and understand things in our math classes so much easier than me and always get better grades.  I really believe you're smart enough to do anything if you wanted to.

- You work hard.  You always get all of your work done and more.  You go the extra step in all your classes by talking to the professors and doing the Honors stuff.  You started the DDR club and helped start MUGD and are a part of a million other things at the same time, but you still have time to love me and take care of me.  I would never be able to do all the those things at the same time.  I think you're really amazing. 

- You're attractive.  Everything about you is beautiful.  Your eyes are a pretty green/brown like a magical forest.  Your hair is soft and smells nice and is shiny and pretty.  Your eyelasses are long and sexual and I love when you brush them against me.  Your skin is soft and smooth and warm.  I think that you have the nicest curves of any girl I've ever seen and that you're skinny and nice to hold.  You're just the right size for me to hold.  My favorite thing is to feel your wonderous glory against me.  Your lips are soft and pink and taste nice when I kiss you.  I enjoy the noises you make when I'm pleasuring you, they really turn me on.  I like all the ways you touch me because they all make me feel good all over my body.

- You're nice.  You always suprise me with things that special and unique like the alliance shirt.  The things you get me are really special to me and I want to wear them all the time and take care of them so I can wear them for a really long time.  You always think of me and tell me nice things and make me feel like the best guy in the world.  You comfort me when I'm sad and protect me when I'm scared.  You're always there when I need you.

- You're fun to be with.  I can talk to you for hours about nothing and at all and still have a great time.  You make funny jokes and laugh at mine.  You have the same kind of humor as me and laugh when I fart.  You have interesting and intelligent things to say and talk about and you don't say bad things about me.  You do lots of little silly things that make me happy in my heart like rolling in the leaves and playing with kittens.  You like to do fun things but don't like to do lame things like drinking or smoking.

-

In summary you're the best girl friend I could ever wish for.  You make my life wonderful and special.  When I see you my heart is filled with joy.

I'm running out of time to write things right now, but there are a million pages I could write on why you are special to me.  I love you more than any words can say.

He cries a lot now.  He is frightened.  In his own words, "Before I met you all I had to live for is the hope that I would meet you...and if I lose you I'll have nothing to live for anymore."  How is it that I can so easily fall out of love with this huddled mass of infinite love for myself?

Well, even if I don't have an explanation, it's still happening.  More and more each day I feel it.  If only I could talk to Jason, I think he could clear it up.  I think the AIM conversation would go a little like this:

Katie:  Hey.
Jason:  alos
Katie:  How's it goin'?
Jason:  blah blah blah (something about not liking induction or whining about his life)
Katie:  blah blah blah (something about comforting him with a stupid example from my own experience)
Katie:  So...if I broke up with **** right now, would you go out with me?
-pause-
Jason:  no
Katie:  What about after 6 or 7 months?
Jason:  no...are you going to break up with ******* for me?
Katie:  Well...not anymore.  Now I'm just going to break up with him so I can be single.
-pause-
Jason:  righty.  good luck with that
Jason:  i need some [insert mealtime here].  anything else?
*big sigh from me*
Katie:  Nah...thanks for your time.

I always like to pretend that he jerks off after every conversation with me.  For example, sometimes I say things like:

Katie:  You're no idiot.  You know I wanna be on you like white on rice.
-pause-
Katie:  So...uh...blah blah blah

That pause could very well be a lack of ability to type because of the occupation of the hands.  Or maybe he just hates me and only talks to me because I'm going out with his best friend, so he finds it inappropriate to respond to my blatant sexual passes at him.  I think the latter is probably the truth.

We'll see what happens, like I said.  I'll keep updating...more for myself than my readers.  I need these blunders of mine well documented so that I can learn from them in the future.

I tried being without my male today.

I asked the only female I trust to come down and hang with me because I was feeling sad.  It was nice to hear about her problems, too.  It was just nice to hang out with someone without hanging out with my male, too.  I could just say whatever I wanted.  I didn't have to think in my head about what was going to get me "talked to" for being too honest.  I enjoyed it.  I haven't really talked to a girl in a long time.

Unfortunately, I had to see him today.  He cried.  I know he loves me.  I just don't know if I love him back anymore.  I don't even know if I know what love means.  He wanted to hang out...but I sent him away.  I felt really bad because the reason was that I wanted to stay alone in case Jason got on AIM...which he hasn't and its already like 9:30...so I guess I miss out on him tonight.

After my male left, I was listening to some music and something strange happened.  I was dancing all by myself in my dorm and I started to get excited.  It's been a while since I actually got "turned on".  Anymore when I am with my male my body just kind of follows the drill of, "Well, he's taking off his clothing, I should get wet."  I mean, sex is still good...it's just that I don't get excited for it anymore.  It's interesting how just being alone and enjoying it can turn me on more than my boyfriend.  I just hope I can figure out how to fix it soon.

Today I made a list of things in my life and grouped them into good and bad columns.  Here's what I came up with:

Good:
- My mom survived her illness.
- My grandma is no longer under the strain of taking care of my grandpa.
- I've gotten a 4.0 for three semesters.
- I'm getting reasonable grades this semester.
- I'll have my own place over the summer.
- I'll gain valuable experience over the summer with both full-time employment and nanotechnology.
- I'll be able to say I helped design a game after this summer.
- I'm in relatively good physical condition.

Bad:
- My grandpa is dead.
- I may get my first not A this semester.
- I don't like my research project, mainly because of the people.
- I don't have enough money to pay for everything that I need (and I didn't mean want) right now.
- I'm unsure about my current relationship.
- I'm noticably depressed and my mental state is pretty poor.

So really, things aren't so bad.  I just don't want to be depressed anymore and I want to have hardcore rough sex with my boyfriend's best friend.  I just have to keep in mind how many people have it soooo insanely worse than me.  Something that reminded me of this fact was one of the footprints left on my site.  The xanga was all about how to work eating disorders without having your parents find out.  Then I was watching television and I kept seeing those comercials for the starving children in Africa and around Asia.  Then I was like, "You goddamn bitch, why are you wallowing in your own sorrow when so many people out there have it soo much worse than you?  All you have are mental problems involving committed relationships!!"

So...in summary...I'll figure this out.  I can't believe I thought about suicide for a few days there.  I'm such an idiot.  I wish I could blame it all on my birth control...but I think maybe the blame falls upon the magnitude of my character and the fact that every person has the capacity to be depressed or happy.  You can make yourself feel a lot better just by making the decision to do so.

I wish Jason and my male would read this.  I wish they would see what I've been thinking.  Unfortunately, neither one of them is a lame blogger like me.  *shrug*  However, the best thing about being me is that I am completely capable of sharing my thoughts with others.  When there is a problem, I discuss it with whoever is involved with it, so really, my male and Jason already know what I've been thinking.  Only thing left to do is make the decision.  What will I do?  What is the best COA?  Why haven't I played Metal Gear Solid lately?

I think right now with the way I feel happier being alone...my male might have to become just "a" male rather than mine.  Also, though, I think that Jason cannot become mine.  He is too devoted to my male.  He would not betray him like that so soon.  So, I am left with breaking up with my male and then waiting for Jason to come around, something that may never happen.

I'm almost positive that this is the correct thing to do.  Staying with my male would be painful to him as well as myself.  However...we will be living in the same place unless something is done soon.  That may be more painful.  I just don't know what to do really.

I love how lists put things into perspective.  Maybe it's the engineer in me, but seeing a graph or labeling a group of things makes feelings so much more clear than writing a poem.

And I leave you with that.  We will see how things turn out.

Who am I?  Why am I here, in this place where the trees bloomed and then were frozen back just in time for me to be feeling at my worst?  It all started long ago, just like all stories do.

Back when I was in middle school I had lots of crushes.  I had to consistently change them because I would find out to my dismay that said "crushes" did not feel the same way, often saying that they thought of me as a sister or a best friend.  Yeah, thanks guys.  As all the enjoyable boys said no, I moved my sites lower and lower, setting for those who took showers less than often and did drugs.  Finally I had a boyfriend.  We never did anything together.  We broke up.  Then I had another.  We never did anything.  He moved away.  Then I had another during the transition between middle school and high school.  He cheated on me over that summer and then a few months later announced he was gay.  I was crushed.  My life became more and more centered on video games.  I was happy for a time, boyfriendlless, but happy.

Then I started my routine again.  New boys came from the catholic middle school in my town.  Again, I tried all the good ones first, and after being told again and again that I was more like "one of the guys" than girlfriend material, I set my sights a lot lower.  The stoner crowd became my new stomping ground.  While I did not "stone" as it were, I enjoyed my time with them.  They played video games, too, and liked many of the things I did.  Even they, however, thought of me as nothing more than a friend...except the largest and most unattractive one.  He showed interest in me junior year and I, the virgin who was always the "best friend" and never the love interest, took him up on his offer.

He smoked, he believed in Jesus, he did lots of things I didn't like, but what did I know?  As far as I was concerned, this was as good as "love" had ever been to me.  He bought me things, we played video games together, he did cute little romantic stuff sometimes.  Other than the occasional fight about smoking or Jesus, I was happy.  He took my purity, but I don't regret it.  It's something I don't really hold in high regard.  The sex was bad, but I didn't know.  I had never had anything else.  I had never even been able to effectively touch myself.  I thought everything was fine and graduation came.  Over the summer everything was fine.

College time and my first instinct was to find some males to enjoy.  I could feel my heart trying to let go of my stoner boyfriend.  It knew he was wrong.  But my logical mind didn't want to make waves, so instead my whole self was at odds.  But...amazingly, I felt happier than I ever had.  I was here in this new place ripe with helpless, virgin males for me to collect and keep for myself.  On of the first days of my true college career was the day that I met my current male.  He came into the room and introduced himself and no one even lifted an eye to him.  I never forgot his name.  He said it so happily just to have no one respond.  His skin was so white and his hair was an interesting color of sandy blonde.  His eyes said "I'm a nerdy virgin and would love some female attention."  I took his eyes up on their offer.

He left his door open.  We were in the same dorm.  He had no roommate.  I found him tantalizingly interesting.  Soon, he left his door open every day, hoping I would come in and see him.  I began staying later and later.  On night, I pretended to fall asleep and he sang to me.  It was that "fly me to the moon" song.  The next night, when I pretended to fall asleep, he came up on the bed with me and began rubbing my back.  It continued from there and once I saw him without any clothing on, I knew that he was one of the most attractive males on the entire planet.

Now, during all this activity, I was still technically "going out" with my stoner boyfriend.  I was cheating.  I was cheating on both of them, the ghetto fabulous stoner and the wounded virgin (well, for a while) boy.  Thus far, the only thing in my entire life that I regret is not breaking up with the first before enjoying the second.  So, clouded forever in my mind with an adultress nature, my relationship with my current male started.  And, after a bit, on Halloween 2005, my relationship with my stoner boyfriend ended, he having done nothing but not be in Columbia to watch me.  For what he came from, he was a marvelous boyfriend and I will never forget how deeply I injured him.  I hope he finds another girl that will treat him like he deserves...preferably one who smokes also so she won't bitch at him.

Over my first semester at Mizzou, my life was the best it had ever been.  Flowers were prettier, music made me feel more joyful, I became very thin and fit from doing karate and playing DDR, I got a 4.0, and I had a beautiful male to enjoy all to myself, completely under my control.  I had lots of free time.  I started playing WoW with him and still enjoy it very much.  For the first time in my life, I was actually completely happy...except for my first regret, but one must let these things that cannot be changed go I suppose.

Then...bad things started happening.  I met his parents.  They frightened me.  I met his friends and made a fool of myself because I was so nervous, leading most of them to think I was an idiot.  Most of that was cleared up, however, and they came to neutral terms with me.  One...Jason, caught my eye.  He and my male were very much the same.  Both very skinny with beautiful eyes and delicate features.  They were also best friends...which is a fetish of mine.  It all started then, second semester freshman year.  Jason was in my thoughts forever after, the finality of it explained in my previous entry.

Time went on.  As my male and I spent more time together, we started to fight more.  Slowly, the feeling of love underneath the anger during a fight started to disappear.  I started to notice that when I was mad at him...I was just mad.  I didn't want to make up.  I didn't want to see him.  I just wanted to be alone.  This process progressed over the summer of 2006 until this very day.  When we were first together, we had sex all the time and now we barely ever do.  We used to talk a lot more.  We used to spend a lot more fun time together.  We used to do so many things.  Now we just do homework and then go to sleep.  I don't even hold him when we sleep anymore.  I don't get excited when he's naked anymore.  It all just seems like this boring daily routine that I have to go through.  I don't think that's how it's supposed to feel.

What's worse is that his best friend Jason counts my male as his only true friend.  He, on the other hand, says that he would stop talking to Jason forever if I wanted him to.  So, not only am I messing up my own life, I'm messing up poor Jason's as well.  He never did anything but catch my eye, poor bastard. 

Also, during this semester, to make things worse, my mother almost died, my grandfather did die, I got a new stressful job and I "made" my male turn down an amazing job in St. Louis so he could stay here in Columbia with me over the summer.  His parents wanted him to come back home so badly, and I wanted him to, too, but he wouldn't listen to any of us and had to be with me.  I'm ruining his life!  I ruining everyone's life!  I just want to disappear!!!!  I want everyone to be safe from me!  I'm a horrible demon!!!

So, that's my story.  Currently, I've never felt any worse.  I have no time to really enjoy myself because of my job and all my homework.  My stress is causing me to stop loving my male.  The birth control pills I'm taking (and I'm on the third different kind trying to fix the problem) make me feel even more depressed.  I shouldn't feel happier during my period when I'm not on the pills!  That's like a paradox!  God...I just want to stop existing so badly.

Here's what I wrote in my Mass and Energy Balance notebook today:

Jason, why do you haunt me?
Why can't I stop thinking about you?
Why do I want you more than what I already have?
I see your shirt, unbuttoned, and your eyes inspecting me.
I feel that strange pain in my chest, a longing to know you.
Why?
Why can't I get you out of my system?
Would you really be better?
Could I ever have you both?
                       No.
                                                     So Why consider it?
Because it sounds so good.
Maybe I'm not meant for anyone.
I break hearts.
I should be alone.
I should be nothing.
I should disappear.
I can't concentrate on enthalpies and derivations.
I'm losing my mind.
I'm losing myself.

Then I skipped a bit and took some real notes...but I soon became distracted in my own little world again and wrote:

What do you taste like?
How does it feel to hold you, be held by you?'
How fast would you be satisfied by me?
Do I excite you?
Do I occupy your thoughts like you do mine?
Why are you best friends?
Could you love him, too?
                                  Well, he could never love you.
                                                                         But can I ever love him?
Do I now?
                 Am I lying to myself?               
                                           Am I lying to him?
Get out of my dreams!
Stop making me think of you!
Stop being so interesting!
Why couldn't you be ugly, Jason?!
Why couldn't your body be bloated or your face be horrible?
Why does your skin look so soft, your body so appealing?
TELL ME!!
Tell me so I can sleep again.
Tell me soon.
Tell me before...
                                                                                                                               ...I stop loving him.
His heart isn't safe.
I am a demon, a monster.
Save me from myself, Jason.
Save me.
But you can't, because you're the virus, the problem.
No one can save me.

And then class was dismissed.

I just can't stop thinking about him.  It had been so long.  I should never have logged back on to WoW that morning.  I should have been modeling microthrusters in Adobe Illustrator.  Instead, I found him injured and talkative without my male around.  Why does Jason intrigue me so?  Why does he pull at my conciousness at every moment?  Why am I always thinking of him?  If only my male was a little bit gay.  Then I could have them both.

I used to think I was bisexual, but now I'm not so sure.  I like the way women look, but I hate them.  I think they are retarded and have nothing interesting to say ever.  All they do is bitch and whine and backstab.  I think what I really like is girly men.  I like the tiny skinny ones with the thick glasses and the feminine and the delicate features, the ones who are wounded and need saving and loving and...punishing.  I think maybe I'm pretty messed up in the head.

My life is falling apart.  Actually, everything is perfect.  I have a great job, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm enjoying the clubs I am a part of, and really all that kind of stuff is going great.  I've even made a million friends.  I guess what I mean was that I, myself, am falling apart.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I think I was trying so hard to be what everyone else here at Mizzou wanted me to be that I lost track of what I was originally.  I'm missing something important in myself.  I know I've lost a puzzle piece...I just hope I can find it back.  I should look under the proverbial couch.

I think the puzzle piece is my boyfriend.  Like everyone else I've ever met, I built him up in my head and as I got to know him all the little things I had decided about him that I thought were great are falling apart before me.  Maybe I'm too picky to ever really be in love.  I think maybe I don't have the capacity to fall in love.  I should probably just spend this life alone.  I wonder what comes afterward.  When I die, will I be anything more than worm food?  I doubt it.  And when I think that way it almost seems to me the the question I should be answering is:  Why not sooner than later?  While life can have lots of meaning without love, to me, it is nothing without the complete support of another person as well as the belief that you could never find anyone better, no matter how hard you looked across the entire planet.

And the worst part is, I'm too much of a chicken to tell him.  I can't tell him that I don't really have feelings for him anymore.  I just put on an act over and over every day.  I should really just kill myself and leave a note explaining everything so that he could move on to someone worth the time.