April 13, 2007

• I can't hold it back any longer...

  Here's what I wrote in my Mass and Energy Balance notebook today:

  Jason, why do you haunt me?
  Why can't I stop thinking about you?
  Why do I want you more than what I already have?
  I see your shirt, unbuttoned, and your eyes inspecting me.
  I feel that strange pain in my chest, a longing to know you.
  Why?
  Why can't I get you out of my system?
  Would you really be better?
  Could I ever have you both?
                         No.
                                                       So Why consider it?
  Because it sounds so good.
  Maybe I'm not meant for anyone.
  I break hearts.
  I should be alone.
  I should be nothing.
  I should disappear.
  I can't concentrate on enthalpies and derivations.
  I'm losing my mind.
  I'm losing myself.

  Then I skipped a bit and took some real notes...but I soon became distracted in my own little world again and wrote:

  What do you taste like?
  How does it feel to hold you, be held by you?'
  How fast would you be satisfied by me?
  Do I excite you?
  Do I occupy your thoughts like you do mine?
  Why are you best friends?
  Could you love him, too?
                                    Well, he could never love you.
                                                                           But can I ever love him?
  Do I now?
                   Am I lying to myself?               
                                             Am I lying to him?
  Get out of my dreams!
  Stop making me think of you!
  Stop being so interesting!
  Why couldn't you be ugly, Jason?!
  Why couldn't your body be bloated or your face be horrible?
  Why does your skin look so soft, your body so appealing?
  TELL ME!!
  Tell me so I can sleep again.
  Tell me soon.
  Tell me before...
                                                                                                                                 ...I stop loving him.
  His heart isn't safe.
  I am a demon, a monster.
  Save me from myself, Jason.
  Save me.
  But you can't, because you're the virus, the problem.
  No one can save me.

  And then class was dismissed.

  I just can't stop thinking about him.  It had been so long.  I should never have logged back on to WoW that morning.  I should have been modeling microthrusters in Adobe Illustrator.  Instead, I found him injured and talkative without my male around.  Why does Jason intrigue me so?  Why does he pull at my conciousness at every moment?  Why am I always thinking of him?  If only my male was a little bit gay.  Then I could have them both.

  I used to think I was bisexual, but now I'm not so sure.  I like the way women look, but I hate them.  I think they are retarded and have nothing interesting to say ever.  All they do is bitch and whine and backstab.  I think what I really like is girly men.  I like the tiny skinny ones with the thick glasses and the feminine and the delicate features, the ones who are wounded and need saving and loving and...punishing.  I think maybe I'm pretty messed up in the head.

  My life is falling apart.  Actually, everything is perfect.  I have a great job, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm enjoying the clubs I am a part of, and really all that kind of stuff is going great.  I've even made a million friends.  I guess what I mean was that I, myself, am falling apart.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I think I was trying so hard to be what everyone else here at Mizzou wanted me to be that I lost track of what I was originally.  I'm missing something important in myself.  I know I've lost a puzzle piece...I just hope I can find it back.  I should look under the proverbial couch.

  I think the puzzle piece is my boyfriend.  Like everyone else I've ever met, I built him up in my head and as I got to know him all the little things I had decided about him that I thought were great are falling apart before me.  Maybe I'm too picky to ever really be in love.  I think maybe I don't have the capacity to fall in love.  I should probably just spend this life alone.  I wonder what comes afterward.  When I die, will I be anything more than worm food?  I doubt it.  And when I think that way it almost seems to me the the question I should be answering is:  Why not sooner than later?  While life can have lots of meaning without love, to me, it is nothing without the complete support of another person as well as the belief that you could never find anyone better, no matter how hard you looked across the entire planet.

  And the worst part is, I'm too much of a chicken to tell him.  I can't tell him that I don't really have feelings for him anymore.  I just put on an act over and over every day.  I should really just kill myself and leave a note explaining everything so that he could move on to someone worth the time.

  • 7:19 pm
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