April 16, 2007

• Nothingness

  Who am I?  Why am I here, in this place where the trees bloomed and then were frozen back just in time for me to be feeling at my worst?  It all started long ago, just like all stories do.

  Back when I was in middle school I had lots of crushes.  I had to consistently change them because I would find out to my dismay that said "crushes" did not feel the same way, often saying that they thought of me as a sister or a best friend.  Yeah, thanks guys.  As all the enjoyable boys said no, I moved my sites lower and lower, setting for those who took showers less than often and did drugs.  Finally I had a boyfriend.  We never did anything together.  We broke up.  Then I had another.  We never did anything.  He moved away.  Then I had another during the transition between middle school and high school.  He cheated on me over that summer and then a few months later announced he was gay.  I was crushed.  My life became more and more centered on video games.  I was happy for a time, boyfriendlless, but happy.

  Then I started my routine again.  New boys came from the catholic middle school in my town.  Again, I tried all the good ones first, and after being told again and again that I was more like "one of the guys" than girlfriend material, I set my sights a lot lower.  The stoner crowd became my new stomping ground.  While I did not "stone" as it were, I enjoyed my time with them.  They played video games, too, and liked many of the things I did.  Even they, however, thought of me as nothing more than a friend...except the largest and most unattractive one.  He showed interest in me junior year and I, the virgin who was always the "best friend" and never the love interest, took him up on his offer.

  He smoked, he believed in Jesus, he did lots of things I didn't like, but what did I know?  As far as I was concerned, this was as good as "love" had ever been to me.  He bought me things, we played video games together, he did cute little romantic stuff sometimes.  Other than the occasional fight about smoking or Jesus, I was happy.  He took my purity, but I don't regret it.  It's something I don't really hold in high regard.  The sex was bad, but I didn't know.  I had never had anything else.  I had never even been able to effectively touch myself.  I thought everything was fine and graduation came.  Over the summer everything was fine.

  College time and my first instinct was to find some males to enjoy.  I could feel my heart trying to let go of my stoner boyfriend.  It knew he was wrong.  But my logical mind didn't want to make waves, so instead my whole self was at odds.  But...amazingly, I felt happier than I ever had.  I was here in this new place ripe with helpless, virgin males for me to collect and keep for myself.  On of the first days of my true college career was the day that I met my current male.  He came into the room and introduced himself and no one even lifted an eye to him.  I never forgot his name.  He said it so happily just to have no one respond.  His skin was so white and his hair was an interesting color of sandy blonde.  His eyes said "I'm a nerdy virgin and would love some female attention."  I took his eyes up on their offer.

  He left his door open.  We were in the same dorm.  He had no roommate.  I found him tantalizingly interesting.  Soon, he left his door open every day, hoping I would come in and see him.  I began staying later and later.  On night, I pretended to fall asleep and he sang to me.  It was that "fly me to the moon" song.  The next night, when I pretended to fall asleep, he came up on the bed with me and began rubbing my back.  It continued from there and once I saw him without any clothing on, I knew that he was one of the most attractive males on the entire planet.

  Now, during all this activity, I was still technically "going out" with my stoner boyfriend.  I was cheating.  I was cheating on both of them, the ghetto fabulous stoner and the wounded virgin (well, for a while) boy.  Thus far, the only thing in my entire life that I regret is not breaking up with the first before enjoying the second.  So, clouded forever in my mind with an adultress nature, my relationship with my current male started.  And, after a bit, on Halloween 2005, my relationship with my stoner boyfriend ended, he having done nothing but not be in Columbia to watch me.  For what he came from, he was a marvelous boyfriend and I will never forget how deeply I injured him.  I hope he finds another girl that will treat him like he deserves...preferably one who smokes also so she won't bitch at him.

  Over my first semester at Mizzou, my life was the best it had ever been.  Flowers were prettier, music made me feel more joyful, I became very thin and fit from doing karate and playing DDR, I got a 4.0, and I had a beautiful male to enjoy all to myself, completely under my control.  I had lots of free time.  I started playing WoW with him and still enjoy it very much.  For the first time in my life, I was actually completely happy...except for my first regret, but one must let these things that cannot be changed go I suppose.

  Then...bad things started happening.  I met his parents.  They frightened me.  I met his friends and made a fool of myself because I was so nervous, leading most of them to think I was an idiot.  Most of that was cleared up, however, and they came to neutral terms with me.  One...Jason, caught my eye.  He and my male were very much the same.  Both very skinny with beautiful eyes and delicate features.  They were also best friends...which is a fetish of mine.  It all started then, second semester freshman year.  Jason was in my thoughts forever after, the finality of it explained in my previous entry.

  Time went on.  As my male and I spent more time together, we started to fight more.  Slowly, the feeling of love underneath the anger during a fight started to disappear.  I started to notice that when I was mad at him...I was just mad.  I didn't want to make up.  I didn't want to see him.  I just wanted to be alone.  This process progressed over the summer of 2006 until this very day.  When we were first together, we had sex all the time and now we barely ever do.  We used to talk a lot more.  We used to spend a lot more fun time together.  We used to do so many things.  Now we just do homework and then go to sleep.  I don't even hold him when we sleep anymore.  I don't get excited when he's naked anymore.  It all just seems like this boring daily routine that I have to go through.  I don't think that's how it's supposed to feel.

  What's worse is that his best friend Jason counts my male as his only true friend.  He, on the other hand, says that he would stop talking to Jason forever if I wanted him to.  So, not only am I messing up my own life, I'm messing up poor Jason's as well.  He never did anything but catch my eye, poor bastard. 

  Also, during this semester, to make things worse, my mother almost died, my grandfather did die, I got a new stressful job and I "made" my male turn down an amazing job in St. Louis so he could stay here in Columbia with me over the summer.  His parents wanted him to come back home so badly, and I wanted him to, too, but he wouldn't listen to any of us and had to be with me.  I'm ruining his life!  I ruining everyone's life!  I just want to disappear!!!!  I want everyone to be safe from me!  I'm a horrible demon!!!

  So, that's my story.  Currently, I've never felt any worse.  I have no time to really enjoy myself because of my job and all my homework.  My stress is causing me to stop loving my male.  The birth control pills I'm taking (and I'm on the third different kind trying to fix the problem) make me feel even more depressed.  I shouldn't feel happier during my period when I'm not on the pills!  That's like a paradox!  God...I just want to stop existing so badly.

  • 12:07 pm
  • 2 Comments