April 17, 2007

• Today

  I tried being without my male today.

  I asked the only female I trust to come down and hang with me because I was feeling sad.  It was nice to hear about her problems, too.  It was just nice to hang out with someone without hanging out with my male, too.  I could just say whatever I wanted.  I didn't have to think in my head about what was going to get me "talked to" for being too honest.  I enjoyed it.  I haven't really talked to a girl in a long time.

  Unfortunately, I had to see him today.  He cried.  I know he loves me.  I just don't know if I love him back anymore.  I don't even know if I know what love means.  He wanted to hang out...but I sent him away.  I felt really bad because the reason was that I wanted to stay alone in case Jason got on AIM...which he hasn't and its already like 9:30...so I guess I miss out on him tonight.

  After my male left, I was listening to some music and something strange happened.  I was dancing all by myself in my dorm and I started to get excited.  It's been a while since I actually got "turned on".  Anymore when I am with my male my body just kind of follows the drill of, "Well, he's taking off his clothing, I should get wet."  I mean, sex is still good...it's just that I don't get excited for it anymore.  It's interesting how just being alone and enjoying it can turn me on more than my boyfriend.  I just hope I can figure out how to fix it soon.

  Today I made a list of things in my life and grouped them into good and bad columns.  Here's what I came up with:

  Good:
  - My mom survived her illness.
  - My grandma is no longer under the strain of taking care of my grandpa.
  - I've gotten a 4.0 for three semesters.
  - I'm getting reasonable grades this semester.
  - I'll have my own place over the summer.
  - I'll gain valuable experience over the summer with both full-time employment and nanotechnology.
  - I'll be able to say I helped design a game after this summer.
  - I'm in relatively good physical condition.

  Bad:
  - My grandpa is dead.
  - I may get my first not A this semester.
  - I don't like my research project, mainly because of the people.
  - I don't have enough money to pay for everything that I need (and I didn't mean want) right now.
  - I'm unsure about my current relationship.
  - I'm noticably depressed and my mental state is pretty poor.

  So really, things aren't so bad.  I just don't want to be depressed anymore and I want to have hardcore rough sex with my boyfriend's best friend.  I just have to keep in mind how many people have it soooo insanely worse than me.  Something that reminded me of this fact was one of the footprints left on my site.  The xanga was all about how to work eating disorders without having your parents find out.  Then I was watching television and I kept seeing those comercials for the starving children in Africa and around Asia.  Then I was like, "You goddamn bitch, why are you wallowing in your own sorrow when so many people out there have it soo much worse than you?  All you have are mental problems involving committed relationships!!"

  So...in summary...I'll figure this out.  I can't believe I thought about suicide for a few days there.  I'm such an idiot.  I wish I could blame it all on my birth control...but I think maybe the blame falls upon the magnitude of my character and the fact that every person has the capacity to be depressed or happy.  You can make yourself feel a lot better just by making the decision to do so.

  I wish Jason and my male would read this.  I wish they would see what I've been thinking.  Unfortunately, neither one of them is a lame blogger like me.  *shrug*  However, the best thing about being me is that I am completely capable of sharing my thoughts with others.  When there is a problem, I discuss it with whoever is involved with it, so really, my male and Jason already know what I've been thinking.  Only thing left to do is make the decision.  What will I do?  What is the best COA?  Why haven't I played Metal Gear Solid lately?

  I think right now with the way I feel happier being alone...my male might have to become just "a" male rather than mine.  Also, though, I think that Jason cannot become mine.  He is too devoted to my male.  He would not betray him like that so soon.  So, I am left with breaking up with my male and then waiting for Jason to come around, something that may never happen.

  I'm almost positive that this is the correct thing to do.  Staying with my male would be painful to him as well as myself.  However...we will be living in the same place unless something is done soon.  That may be more painful.  I just don't know what to do really.

  I love how lists put things into perspective.  Maybe it's the engineer in me, but seeing a graph or labeling a group of things makes feelings so much more clear than writing a poem.

  And I leave you with that.  We will see how things turn out.

  • 11:02 pm
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