April 26, 2007

• It's gone...

  What?  Let me explain.

  In the last two years I have:
  - cheated on my current sexual partner for the first time.
  - thought of suicide for the first time.
  - thought of injuring myself to make the pain in my mind go away for the first time.
  - alienated my friends for the first time.
  - had uncontrollable feelings for the first time.
  - experienced the death of a loved one for the first time.
  - not understood what I was doing or thinking and why for the first time.
  - lost my appetite and actively tried not to eat for an entire day for the first time.
  - completely stopped thinking about my hopes and dreams in favor of pleasing others for the first time.

  - and finally...lost track of who the hell I am for the first time.

  The more time I spend alone, the more I realize how sad I am.  Also, the more time I spend alone, the more I realize that I am less sad when I am alone (not a good sign for young Michael).  I've been listening to music whenever I want, swimming whenever I want, playing DDR whenever I want, eating when and where I want, and pretty much just DOING WHATEVER I WANT!!  I actually enjoyed doing homework today like I used to in high school because I wasn't burdened by the worry of trying to hurry and do something with Mike.  I'm getting my mind back, I think.  I'm getting my concentration powers back.  I'm getting what I lost back.  I'm finally stopping to think about myself again for the first time in a little over two years.  I'm remembering why I like being me, rather than why Mike liked me, or what I made myself for him.  I'm not blaming him.  I'm blaming myself for allowing my own self image to be manipulated by the incredible urge to please him.  If not for Mike, I would never have cheated on my partner or really any of those things I listed other than experiencing the death of a loved one.  I started molding myself into the person I created in my own head from what Mike said and did in response to me. 

  BUT, if I did this, if I allowed this to happen to me and not just with Mike either, with everyone, can I ever really enjoy being with ANYONE?!  Am I so malleable that I try to conform to everyone?  I never played DDR until I met Mike.  I never played WoW until I met Mike.  You know what, I don't even LIKE WoW!!  It's boring after a while and costs lots of money!!  I never would have started playing Legend of the 5 Rings if not for my friend Adam, and I don't even like the game!  I just play so I can talk about it with him and his roommate Paul!  The only things I have ever really liked for myself are the things that I have experienced by myself.

  What is the word for that, where you try to please everyone but leave your own feelings out of the mix?  What am I?  How can I fix it?  Is being alone forever the only option for my happiness?  I mean, really, I don't think I would mind being alone forever.  I like being alone.  I guess I would never have children, but should someone like me really have kids?  I'm probably the kind of person who would eventually get a divorce from anyone I ever married.  Oh god, what the hell can I do?  HOW DO I FIX IT?!?  I don't want to be like this.  I don't want to make myself depressed by human interaction.  Is it just an engineering thing?  Are all sad little nerdy engineers like me, hiding from a world they don't want to be part of?  Why am I still up?  Because I'm all alone, enjoying the typing of my own thoughts.

  And Jason, maybe you should just never call me.  Never talk to me again.  You'll be better off.  Learn from your best friend.  Learn from my ultimate boredom with him and say no when I inevitably call you out of curiosity and longing for the capture of your virginity.  Tell me I'm a stupid bitch so that I can be justified in returning to my seclusion from everyone else and mindlessly wasting more hours on trying to get to level 70 in WoW.  Tell me I'm ugly so I can start stuffing my face with food without care for my outward appearance.  Tell me I'm worthless so that I can continue on through life trying to prove you wrong by doing all my little homework, being part of 6,000 organizations, doing groundbreaking research and getting an insanely good job.  Tell me all the things that Mike would never tell me because he is clouded by a desire to continue our safe little journey to eventual marriage, childrearing and finally death.  Tell me so I know that someone thinks I should hide from everyone, because when I hide I am free, and freedom is almost indistinguishable from perfection.

  I'll just hide, read LOVELESS, play video games, get good grades, get a good job, buy a great house, and once I'm safe I'll retire and enjoy all the things that old women enjoy...like cats, and of course I'll play DDR until I'm like 70 and freak out all the kids that populate the nearest arcade to my home.  I don't need anyone.  I don't want anyone.  I want to be me.  I want to have casual sex when I need it and casual friendships when they benefit me.  I guess what I'm saying is for once in my life I want to be completely and utterly selfish.  After years of looking out for everyone else's feelings and taking the blame for everything and saying SORRY AFTER EVERTHING I DO I am going to think about myself for a while.  I'm not going to tell anyone that I am sorry unless I really am.  I'm not going to blame myself for what other people do to me.  I'm not going to make others happy when it makes me sad to do so.  So there.  Take that in the face, world!  I'm done being a doormat.  I'm done taking care of everyone else before myself.  I'm done sacrificing my own joy for that of others!!

  Now, I'm not saying I'm going to actively try not to please other people, I'm just saying that I'm going to move up in the priority ranking of people to please to position numero uno.

  Anyway, it's late.  I'm probably kind of out of it from the excessive physical activity of playing 12 straight games of DDR out of malice for the world as well as having only eaten a small amount of pasta and two slices of pepperoni pizza today in protest of interacting with others to obtain food.  I think I'm going to go to sleep.

  • 2:42 am
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