The business is finished.  I have once again accepted my male as my perfect match.  Unfortunately, at least part of the cause of the trouble (during the last few entries) was the change to a different kind of birth control, but I cannot blame everything on that.  I'm sure a bit was stress.

Here's the story with Jason.  Yes, sometimes I daydream about my male and him making sweet man love, and sometimes I even pretend that I am, in fact, Jason while my male and I have sex, but I don't want to have sex with Jason.  For some reason when I was talking to him on WoW that one day and found out he had been having a bad semester, something in my mind snapped and I convinced myself that since we had both had bad semesters that we were perfect for each other and that I should break up with my male.  Strange, yes, but a birth control crazed stressed out mind can create such random connections.  However, I take the blame.  I am not blaming the birth control.  I blame myself and I can never reverse what I did.  I can only be endlessly thankful that my male is an understanding little creature and forgives me for everything without a second guess.  It's his paladin mentality.  He forgives the repentant.

In summary, I feel fine again.  As soon as I looked at my male and told him I wanted him to be my beautiful sex slave forever and that I would keep him safe from bugs and sadness and all the things that frighten him, the depression melted away.  I am still left with some residue of wanting to date, but I think it will quickly pass.  Now that I am back on my normal birth control it all seems so stupid and idiotic.  How could I crush the hopes and dreams of such a perfect and divine creature?  How could I involve his best friend in trying to ruin his life?  I will never be completely sure why the hell I did any of it.  I can only be thankful that it was forgiven and life can proceed as normal.

As both of us had not had sex in over a month, last night we engaged in naughty things for nearly six hours.  I am rejuvenated.  He looks so amazing with none of his little clothing on.

Unfortunately this blog has been compromised.  I will not be posting for quite a while in the hopes that one of my real life acquaintances forgets about this semi-secret place of mine.  I updated with the fact that I am no longer single for him, but there will be no more updates until I am satisfied that he is not reading anymore.  Don't worry, however, I will never shut this site down.  It is a place for me to let go of sadness and to record happiness.  I want to be able to read it when I am 40 or so so that I can remember what it is that my teenage and college age children are going through.  So this is not goodbye, just see you later.

I don't care anymore.  I just don't care.  I know what I want and I know what I'm willing to do to get it.  I've tried everything else that I thought to be a possible solution.  It's time to find the courage and just finish this.  Maybe it isn't the solution either, but I'm prepared to accept that there are no solutions.  I just have to know.  I have to know that there are no solutions.  I have to obtain that enlightenment, and once I do my path will become clear.  I need closure.  I need finality.  I will have it.

I know I've lost something.  I know something is missing from inside my mind.  I know a piece of me is somehow either warped beyond recognition or completely erased.  If only I knew what piece, perhaps then I could fix this feeling inside of me.

I try to pretend that I am happy.  I try really hard.  I want to be happy, if not for me, then for all the people that my sadness influences.  I don't want to have to pretend, though.  I want to really be happy!

The pretending isn't helping.  I'm still sad.  Even if no one else notices, I still notice.  The main difference I've noticed is that I'm just not excited...ever.  I've lost my sense of humor.  I know things should be funny and I understand why they are funny and recognize that I should be laughing and smiling, but instead I simply take note that something funny happened and move on.  No laughter, no joy, no nothing.  I can't seem to not be bored.  Right now I'm bored.  When I'm at work I'm bored.  Even when I get off work and I have nothing to do other than whatever I want I'm still bored.  Nothing lights my fire anymore.  Nothing gets me interested.  I don't even look at porn anymore.  It just doesn't turn me on.  I'm just an empty shell, wandering around trying not to die.

Ever since middle school and the beginnings of random dating problems, I was always the go-to girl for advice.  While I had never had a long lasting relationship myself, I usually gave people stellar advice on how not to fuck up.  However, since I cheated on my boyfriend of two years and then broke up with him for the guy I cheated on him with...I just haven't felt the same.  At first I was really happy.  At first I was pleased to have found a superior male.  As time went by, however, I found that I could not forgive myself.  It sort of started me down a slippery slope of self doubt.  I think that was the beginning of the end for my happiness.  Now I hate myself.  I hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I can't seem to be happy ever, the way I think, the way I act.  I hate me.  How can you love someone when you hate yourself?  The answer is that you cannot.  I'm still grappling with that fact.

I feel like the choices I make don't matter anymore.  I feel like since I made that one terrible choice, that one irreversible act, that all the other choices I have made afterward and will make just don't matter because I already fucked myself up.  I've taken the wrong path and I will never be able to find the correct one back because time only goes one way.  Now all that good advice that I gave other kids back in the day just doesn't seem to matter.  I can't listen to the little angel advisor guy anymore.  I just want to do whatever I can to crawl back to that unattainable path.  I want to hang out with lots of single people.  I want to call Jason every single moment of every single day and have him pick up and tell me that he hates me and never wants me to speak to him again so I don't have to think about him anymore.  I want to find that path back, that fire back, and be able to feel alive and joyful again.  I want to get away from Mike.  I don't want him to live with me in an apartment anymore.  I want a new roommate.  I just want to be alone so that I can just date like a bazillion people and maybe find one that can turn my happy switch back on.  But then again, why pull another hapless victim into the black hole that is a relationship with me?  Why suck the soul from another young virgin boy?  Why attack another beautiful Asian girl with my creepy fetish for her?  Why destroy the hope of another perfectly good person when I know that I will eventually get bored and sad again because I am forever tainted with regret?  Why indeed.  The answer is that I really don't deserve anyone and haven't since I cheated.

I deserve to be alone.  I should donate my eggs to needy sterile women so that my genes can live on, but I should never have a child.  What a mother I would be...

What the hell am I doing with my life?  Why haven't I read any books on relativity, on philosophy, on spacetime, on programming?  Why do I insist on creating this idea that knowledge is only what you gain from paying for classes at a university?  Why should a 4.0 matter when I've got no real "knowledge" to show for it?  I don't even know how to change the oil on a car.  I can't repair a broken computer.  I can't really do anything but do well on tests which only really show how much information I crammed into my skull the evening before them and then promptly forgot afterward.  What is my purpose?

I have no purpose.  Can I find purpose?  I'll try.

I saw it today.  That's right.  I saw that little bastard shining for the first time in a long, long while today.

Today was a great day.

I feel my urge to use a pointlessly dreamlike post format coming back to me.  I feel that strange feeling, that strange joyful feeling.  Is it happiness?  It's been so long, I don't remember...

Long ago, many moons ago, the great earth mother gave leave for celebration on this day.  To work would be a fools venture and anger the earth mother in her infinite wisdom.  For this reason, all those who worship the earth mother relaxed today, enjoying this boon she had provided to them.

I am like the robin, delicately collecting this and that to build my nest.  I flit to and fro, working the forest floor carefully and finding all the perfect things to include in my home.  When I have finished and everything is in place, I sit back and bask in the glory of my work, chirping happily and grooming my wing feathers pridefully.

Like a giant hawk she is.  She sees everything, every movement, every thought.  She can't be fooled when it comes to the emotions of others.  Her huge hawk eyes observe feelings as though they were giant neon signs.  When sadness rears its ugly head, other animals may run in fear, but not the hawk.  She plans her attack carefully, regardless of the mad stampede.  Then she swoops in an grabs the sadness with her razor sharp talons, instantly paralyzing it and then tosses it aside as if it were nothing.  Her eyes raise to the sadness' source and she calls out in her bright hawk voice, exclaiming that everything is under control.  She spreads her wings and is gone as quickly as she came, but one must know that the giant hawk is never far away, perched and ready to attack again whenever the sadness returns, ready to subdue it again and awaken joy with her great, brilliant cry.

She is like a rescue dog, the ones with the small jugs of warm liquid around their necks that search for those lost in the snow.  Her mind races as she searches for the lost ones, making sure that they get everything that they need.  Nothing can sway her, nothing can distract her...except perhaps the direction.  She just gets turned around, that's all.  When she finds those lost and worried for their survival, she gives them everything they need from within the jub around her neck.  She fills them with warmth and allows them to continue living.  Then she rushes off again, perhaps in the wrong direction, but yet always finds those who depend on her regardless.

It is like a prairie dog, studdenly alert and frightened, unsure of what is to come.  It prepares and scans the horizon seeking to understand the threat before it comes, seeking to save itself and its comrades from destruction.  Then it relaxes, knowing that things will happen as they may and it will know nothing more, no matter how long it stands upright and completely still.  It goes about its business, feeling ready to continue on.

She seeks like a stray cat.  She has her own agenda, but is frightened and alone in a strange place.  Her longing to find her place causes her to reach out to passersby.  One lonely passerby responds with kindness and joy, pleased to have a new symbiot.  The stray cat needs a home and the passerby needs a friend, and they are bonded.  But the stray cat's lonely new owner realizes that she has seen this cat before.  A different time, a different place, but the cat was familiar.  This pleases the new owner even more, as now she can enjoy the vague rememberance of days past each time she sees the gentle little stray.  The bond is made and both are better for it.

He waits like a cobra, ready to strike.  You must tread his path.  There is not other path.  You know he is there, but still he surprises you.  There is not escape.  You must learn to deal with the cobra, not seek to avoid him.  Your path will be harsh and filled with pain, but you will be a better person for finding a solution to his deadly bite.

He frolicks like a ferret, constantly in motion, constantly having fun.  He is often there hiding and then jumps out from under the couch in his silly way.  He brings a smile to the faces of those around him.  What I wouldn't give to be the ferret and feel that ignorant joy.

...and to clarify, no, I am not stoned.

Don't you hate how little things, little stupid things can ruin your day even if everything else was great?  I know I do.

Mike's back.  The simple knowledge that he is in the apartment right now, while I'm at work, and he will be there when I get home, waiting like an abandoned puppy for his master...it just makes me so sick inside.  What can I do to make things right for both of us?  I need to be single.  I know this.  I want to have time for friends and fun and doing nothing.  I don't want to have to worry about anyone in connection with myself.  I like helping people with their problems and hanging out with them, but not if I know I will have to do it every single day non-stop until the end of forever.  Maybe marriage just isn't for me.  I think I could handle children since they go their own way at about age 14 or 15 and start doing stuff completely separate from their parents, but having someone bonded to you by law for all time until one of you dies...that seems a bit extreme.  Maybe I'm just too selfish to love someone, as I've pondered before.  I don't know.

Everything else is going great, however.  I found out today that I got myself another 4.0 semester.  That's cool.  Every one I get means working less and less hard for all the semesters afterwards.  I like not working hard.  Also, money is looking better for me and I think I should make it through the summer with relatively little difficulty in a money sense.  Heck, I might even resubscribe to WoW!  Who knows?  So yeah, good times.

Tomorrow I have work off.  I think I'm going to spend the day with my mother and do one of those mother/daughter thingamabobs that people do.  She seems interested in going shopping with me...which is odd since I'm not much for shopping and I never thought she was either.  I think what the whole deal really amounts to is that she is worried about me and would like an opportunity to talk to me for a while, which I wouldn't mind either.  Moms always know how to help.  They've lived your life only a few years ago, so they already learned all your lessons and they can really help out when you don't know what to do about things.  Dads, too.  Anyway, so tomorrow should be a nice day.

Well, I don't have much to talk about.  I'm sure in a few weeks I'll have happier stuff to write about.  I can't go on not understanding myself forever.  I'll get it.

There's just something about sitting around in your underwear in your own place where no one else can come in that makes you wanna go "ahhhh" and put your hands behind your head in a satisfied way.  I moved all my stuff into my first apartment!!  Unfortunately, the apartment that I am actually moving into has slow mover-outers in it, so I had to move into another apartment on the same floor and won't be able to move into my actual apartment until Wednesday of this week.  However, it's still very nice to have a place to call my own.  Mike won't get back from his house until tonight, so I still have the whole day to be enjoy.

Recent news in my social scene:

1. I've been spending lots of time with my and Mike's best friend Adam because he lives in the same apartment building as us on the same floor.  He helped me and Mike move and then when Mike went home for the weekend I played Wii with him in his apartment and last night we watched Sin City, which is absolutely amazing artistically.  I had never seen it but always wanted to, and Adam was all like, "OMG you haven't seen it well we are watching it!  You want mozzarella on your half of the pizza?"  He made pizza and handed out ice cream candy bars for a true viewing experience and after the movie was over we talked about all the epic movies we had seen in the last few years.  It was a nice time.  I love having friends close by when I feel lonely.
2. Christina called me the other day out of the blue to talk about her problems.  Now, I hassle her all the time with my problems, but I kind of thought she just put up with it and didn't really think of me as a true friend.  However, when she called me she was really flustered and I was pleased to be able to help her like she had helped me.  One of my favorite things to do is help friends in need.  Over this past semester I have really been focusing on myself and it was refreshing to hear someone else's problems without asking and just try to help them in their time of need.  Good stuff.
3. My old bisexual high school buddy Nicole called me yesterday, too, while I was watching Spiderman 3 (It was terrible, by the way.  Don't go see it unless you want to fall asleep in the theater and waste seven dollars.).  She needed my help as well.  Poor thing is 20 and still doesn't have a driver's license.  She now lives in Columbia and needs me to come with her and be in the car with her while she takes the test.  I'm down.  I haven't seen her in two years and to tell the truth I miss the darling.  It'll be nice to catch up with her since she's been in New Jersey saving the rain forest and whatnot on internship (I mean, not really, but she works with endangered animals and all that, so I figure they are related.).  It's really nice to know that people still count on me when they are in need.  Awesome.
4. Briana, one of my other high school friends, is having a big float trip for all the old crew and was so disappointed when I said I probably wouldn't be able to come that I just had to pay for a kayak so I could go with them.  Briana was my best friend from back in the old days when all I knew was video games and happiness, so I do want to see her again, but I'm worried that I will be working or taking classes and I may be too busy...  Oh well.  If stuff comes up I'm sure it's easy to unreserve and all that.  I should really hang out with her now that I don't have as much to do.  She lives here in Columbia, too, as I often forget in the midst of classes and research and finals and papers and family and all that.  Maybe I'll invite her to dinner sometime this week.  I think that would be nice.
5. I don't know what is going on with Mike and me.  I just want it to be over.  I actually really would rather just never see him or Jason ever again and let them live their lives away from me...far away from me.  I guess that would be the easy way out.  In summary, I still don't know what to do or what path to take with all that business and I'm starting not to care.
6. The Chemical Engineering guy who I was talking about Facebook messaging in an earlier post Facebooked me back.  In return I invited him to lunch to catch up on things.  That should be nice.  He's here researching for the university, too, I believe, so perhaps some afternoon he will have time to go out and get lunch with me.  Then, perhaps some night I can seduce him and remove his clothing.  Yes, that would be nice.  However, I don't really care.  I just want to talk to him for a while and find out what all happened with Project Science, which I quit due to stress.  It was all about teaching underprivileged children about science and I loved it...I just started cursing so much when my mom was in the hospital that I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to be around children anymore.  So, hopefully Ryan can fill me in on all the funtime stuff that I missed out on.  Plus he plays WoW and I'm sure he will have a bunch of fun stories to tell me about his exploits.  Good times will be had by all.

Well, that about sums up what is going on right now.  I'm in an actual happy mood for the first time in a long while.  I'm hopeful that Mike's return to the apartment won't spoil that mood, but one cannot be sure of these things.  I'm trying hard.  I want things to work out.  I want to make the right choices and walk the right path.  I know I can do it.  I know I will do it.

I've been studying Organic Chem since 10:30 am.  My right hand hurts for writing so many notecards and reaction mechanisms and random important words and...god...if I ever see another fucking alkane as long as I live...it will be too soon.  I'm not even done yet.  It's almost 6 pm.  I've been studying for nearly seven hours.  It's really hard to cram an entire semester into one evening, but I enjoy doing the impossible.  I like doing the impossible doggy style.  I never took that nap.  I'm running on dining hall food and several handfuls of chocolate candies from Easter.  I think I may have another two hours in me before I simply collapse as I suffer a massive stroke from the increased brain activity.  Wait.  What causes strokes?  Blood clots?  Well, maybe I won't suffer a stroke, but I'm pretty sure I have very little energy left.  It's like when you want so badly for your car to make it to the next gas station, but it's been on empty since you pulled out of your driveway.

Regardless, tomorrow it will all be over in a flash and all of this suffering will be forgotten in an instant as the grand exodus 12 blocks away with all my stuff takes up all my brainspace.

I doubt highly that I will post tomorrow or even over the weekend.  Perhaps Monday.  Until then, I bid you good eve and good luck with whatever you are doing with your time, whether it be studying, taking a final or just jerking off.

It's 7:33 in the fucking morning.  I slept for like three hours last night because I drank an entire bottle of Vault (which is just Surge in new packaging, by the way) and I have an 8 am final.  It's awesome.  I shouldn't have gone to Adam's to play Legend of the Five Rings until like midnight.  That was a dumb idea, too.  Good thing I only need an 83% to get an A in the class.

Just throwing this out there, I haven't had sex in like two weeks.  I really need some sex.  OMGs3x.  Being single sucks in the regard that you don't just get sex whenever you want it.  Good thing xanga is crawling with hentai.  Bad thing I have a roommate and can't properly get down with myself for fear of being discovered.

Should I drink another Vault?  No, cuz then I can't come back to the room and sleep after this stupid final. 

Today is gonna run like this:
- MEB final
- nap
- do laundry + study for Organic Chem
- eat
- study for Organic Chem
- study for Organic Chem
- study for Organic Chem
- eat latenight
- go to sleep

Then tomorrow it is all over and all of my wildest dreams can come true again.  I'll take my last final and then move into my apartment!

Oh my freakin' god I'm so tired.  What would be awesome is if I get a 100% on this stupid final.  Considering I was wide awake and had studied massively for the other four exams and did poorly on all of them, I just think it would be great if now, having studied for under 20 minutes and having slept for around three hours, I just rape this last test in the ass while its mother watches.  Yessirrybob that would be amazing.

I'm off.  Wish me luxors.

Instead of laboriously pouring through the text of my Organic Chemistry book like a good little college student, I've been pondering the nature of the universe.  A few months ago I saw a program that discussed the theory that all the objects and matter in the universe are moving toward each other at a slowly increasing speed.  A little, ugly man with glasses explained that after triangulating the position of hundreds of star deaths and then measuring the speed with which the light sources were moving with respect to us over several years, it has become apparant that, in fact, everything is not moving toward a center point of the universe and is actually moving away with an increasing speed.

What does this mean for you, you might ask.  Well, nothing, so don't worry.  What it does mean is that eventually, after billions and billions and trillions and trillions of years, all matter will have pulled apart into its most basic components and the universe will be filled with so much empty space between quarks that it will effectively contain "nothingness" infinitely.  What is does mean is that everything that has ever happened, your birth, your death, the formation of all the planets, the formation of all the stars, the very beginning of the universe, will mean nothing.  Everything will be nothing.

Now, when I was thinking about this to myself, snuggled under my Napoleon Dynamite comforter and cuddling my little stuffed kitty, it seemed a bit depressing that some day, a bazillion jillion years from now all of my parts, all of the atoms that once made up my body would be pulled apart into quarks and perhaps even further into pure energy and spread as far as possible until they were effectively nothing.  I thought to myself, is any of this that I am doing, any of this struggling or worrying or working hard really worth it?  Then I had a completely different, more upbeat thought.

Perhaps, somewhere deep within our minds, the information that one day we will be nothing and all the things that we did, all the children we produced, and all the people's lives that we influenced will eventually be nothing also.  Perhaps that little shread of something so much bigger than ourselves pushes us not to waste our lives, pushes us to be happy, to make others happy and to do the best with our time that we can.  Maybe the true source of our drive to do well for ourselves is actually the knowledge that it won't matter.  If it won't matter to anyone else or anything else except for people and things existing in the few years after your existence has ended, then why try so hard?  Because it will still matter to you and the reason that it matters is because you realize that if it doesn't matter to you then there is no one left to care.  If you don't realize this and you depend on other people who are going through this same thought process, whether they know it or not, to support you, then you will end up a drug addicted loser homeless in the street, blaming your failure on everyone but yourself.  Everyone must accept responsibility for their own actions, because no one can make you do anything.  They can do things to you, but they can't make you do things.

I guess, in summary, this morning I was just thinking about how much people depend on one another for help and support and I decided that you can be the most help to others and make them happiest if you depend on yourself and have an internal strength on which you can rest when things get rough.  If you believe in yourself and live every day for yourself, then your confidence and joy for yourself will allow you to make others happy that much more.  Without understanding how to love and care for yourself, how can you expect to love and care for someone else?  Without the basic knowledge of what makes you happy, how can you hope to fathom what makes others happy?  That's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I think maybe I'm still not sure what makes me happy and I think that maybe until I figure it out, I can't really, truly make anyone else happy.  I'll work on it though.  Whoever thinks understanding Organic Chemistry or Differential Equations is harder than understanding your own mind has obviously never met me.

For the last few weeks I've been so caught up in random Jason and Mike issues that I haven't really daydreamed like I used to all that much.  However, today I caught myself doing so.

There I was sitting downstairs at Brady starring at the DDR machine waiting for Mike to finish the Differential Equations final that I had finished myself while that bitchy Russian girl complained about her finals and that really greasy-haired guy ate his Subway.  I started to tune them out and just thought about where I really wanted to be.  Talking about and looking up hentai more than average in the past few weeks had started me thinking again about how great it would be to find that perfect girl.  I shut my eyes and allowed the real world to melt away, leaving me alone, free from the random people that chill at Brady in the daytime...

I was laying in a field of flowers, beautiful flowers that smelled like Victoria Secret stores.  I was playing Final Fantasy VI on my Gameboy SP.  The sun was completely covered by the clouds and a gentle breeze rustled the flowers around me as well as the tops of the trees dotted around the field.  Suddenly I heard footsteps and laughter.  I dropped my Gameboy and leaned up on my elbows to see above the flowers.  A beautiful Asian girl was runny through the flowers chasing a butterfly in a school girl outfit.  It was so cute!  I jumped up from where I had been sitting and ran over to her.  She smiled and threw her arms around me, knocking me back into the flowers.  She kissed me on the neck several times and then began to unbutton my shirt.  It was then that I noticed that I was not female and was, in fact, male.  I was dressed in jeans and a button down t-shirt.  My jeans had become noticably tighter in the last few moments.  I laid back and let her do what she wanted to me.  She started gently kissing my chest and licking my tiny little man nipples.  As she started to work her way down to the zipper on my jeans...my phone rang.

The daydream was over and Mike was done with the Differential Equations final, effectively waking me too soon to see how big I had imagined my own cock being.  It was nice, though, to just relax and let myself be somewhere secret all by myself.  I need to buy a strap-on.  I also need to by an Asian.

Anyway, yeah, the last couple days have been alright.  I think I'm coming out of the worst of the storm and my pirate ship is still in one piece.  I think better days are ahead as long as I keep thinking positive and trying not to focus on the little crappy stuff that happens.

I found four paperclips today.