May 2, 2007

• The End

  It's official.  I've lost the will to live.  Funny how it just happens over a period of a couple hours when everything possible comes crashing down on you.  Everything hits you like oncoming traffic and you realize that you've dug a hole you'll never escape from because you're so far down and you don't have any friends to bring rope.

  How did I make it this far?  How did I let myself fall so fast?  Why have I suddenly lost all drive to do anything as well as I can?  What is this feeling, like drifting down a river, making no attempt to free yourself from the current?  What do I need to do to climb out of the hole I've dug?  What is the magical rope that can free me?  Is it really Jason?  If he's not the magical rope, then who/what is?  What do I really need?  What am I so urgently searching for?  Let me think for a bit.

  I feel so helpless.  I don't understand my coursework.  I can't concentrate on studying for the four finals I have next week.  I can't concentrate on studying for the exam I have tomorrow.  I don't excel at work.  I don't excel in class.  I don't feel the amazing luckiness that I have felt all my life up to this point.  Am I losing my childhood addiction to destiny and coincidence?  Perhaps ignorance really is bliss.  Perhaps living in that tiny town where everyone thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread has ruined me for the real world where I'm not the big fish anymore.  You aren't special here.  There are others like you.  There are others better than you.  The fantasy is broken.  The ego is broken.

  But that's not the problem.  The problem is not that I can't do "the best."  The problem is that  I can't do "my best."  The problem is the research project.  I know it is.  It stretches my time so thin that I can no longer completely pwn every homework assignment and get 100% on every test.  I'm a fool for thinking that it was a good idea to join the research group.  Resume schmesume.  This is killing me.  The only thing I can hope is that it will be more enjoyable during the summer and then perhaps I will be able to just quit when my summer classes start.  God...I hope so.

  Another thing is this whole Jason business.  Here are the problems:
  - I will be living with Mike over the summer and I don't think he'll be too keen on having Jason over just so we can make out.
  - Jason will be living in St. Louis over the summer and I don't think it will be very enjoyable to start a relationship when we will only be able to see each other on weekends at great cost of gasoline for the trips to and from our respective living places.
  - Jason will go back to MICHIGAN in the fall.  He would have to be instantly recognizable as the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with for me to try and work a "long distance" relationship.
  - All Jason has said concerning dating me is that he would "consider it" which does not sound very promising.
  - If I was Jason and my best friend's girlfriend had just broken up with him...I probably wouldn't go out with her for fear of ruining my friendship, which would probably happen if Jason did chose to date me.
  - If Jason did decide to date me regardless of Mike's feelings, which is incredibly unlikely, I would still have to deal with Mike all summer and next year, and if he became angry it could be a pretty horrible situation to have last for that long.

  So really, what the hell am I thinking?  I barely know Jason!  But...he's the last scrap of that "childhood addiction to destiny and coincidence" that I have left in me.  Only he makes me feel those happy feelings again.  Regardless of all the incredibly discouraging evidence for it not working out, I have to try.  Plus, I've made the decision that Mike and I are not right for each other.  So, even if I don't get Jason, I'm not going back to Mike.  I just want to be Mike's friend and roommate and then go out with Jason.  Is that so much to ask of the world?  I guess it is kind of a lot.  I guess I should just shut up about this shit until this weekend when I will finally get to talk to Jason and have him confirm or destroy all my hopes and dreams at this moment.

  Anyway, I'm just depressing myself further and I can't do anything about any of this stuff right now so I just need to be patient and shut the hell up.  I need to stop beating myself up mentally every day over and over and just stand confidently by my decisions.

  • 11:10 pm
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