May 6, 2007

• Single

  Yeah, it feels kind of strange.  I've been in a relationship for the last three and a half years and now I'm not.  I almost don't remember what it's like to be single.  I guess the hunt begins again.

  Jason called me yesterday.  He sounded irritated on the phone and also declined going on a date with me because he indeed did not want to betray his friend.  In my heart I knew that was the answer, I just needed to hear it.  If he had accepted the offer, he would be a pretty crappy friend anyway now that I think about it, so I probably shouldn't have asked in the first place.  I guess when he uttered the phrase, "I don't think so.  I would be betraying Mike." I kind of felt like I had just snapped out of a dream.  I realized all the crap I had been doing was so foolish and pointless.  I was acting like such a little child.  Why would dating someone's best friend logically follow from breaking up with him/her?  The answer is, it doesn't.  Perhaps a combination of the stress of finals and the fear that comes with getting out of a serious relationship altered my reality for a few weeks.  I appologize for all the rants about this crap.  When I read them I just feel so disgusted with myself.

  Anyway, Mike wants me back.  He wants to be mine and to marry me and all that still.  Part of me wants to make him happy and go back to him, but the other part, the rational part knows that isn't a good idea. 

  Mike loves to argue.  He loves to be right.  He loves to argue a point until everyone around wants to beat the hell out of him.  He gets violent with stuff when he gets frustrated.  He figgits a lot and can't sit still.  He has a lot of characteristics that remind me of small children, which I do not, indeed, find cute just because I am female.  I find small children extremely irritating.  He gets angry about little weird things and then gets angry when you ask him why he is angry.  He yells when people question anything that he does.

  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty passive person.  I could definitely handle all this stuff about him forever and ever and never divorce him.  I can accept a lot of adversity.  Unfortunately for him, the fact that he loves to be right means that he picks things out about me to analyze and insult.  I am currently depressed.  Now that I spend a lot less time with him, I find that I think more of myself.  I feel less depressed than when I was with him.  So, while I can accept a lot of adversity, I can't accept the adversity that doesn't allow me to be happy regardless of it.

  He has a lot of good qualities, too.  I can't just pretend that he's not good at all.  He's beautiful.  He's the most attractive male I have ever laid eyes on.  His face is so amazingly worth starring at.  His body is perfect, broad shoulders, a tiny waist and little, slightly womanish hips just the way I like it.   He loves playing video games and talking about them.  He loves playing DDR.  He loves watching the same television shows as me.  He tells me I'm an awesome person and that I'm wonderful and all that all the time, so that does counter the insulting things he says, but there is still a net negative to cause my depression.

  I'm really scared about what's going to happen.  We are going to be roommates over the summer and the following school year.  Will we be okay?  Will we fight?  Will there be hard feelings when dates come to pick us up?  If only we weren't living together I think everything would work out a lot more smoothly.  Well, situations like this build character, right?  I guess really I'm not in the mood for more dates.  I think I just want to be single for a spell.  I don't even want to hunt for mates.  I probably would never find one anyway.  I'm too particular.  I mean really, how many guys fit my criteria?

  Bisexual female looking for bisexual male.  Must fit the following criteria:
  - weight:  < 150 lbs
  - 6' 1" >  height  > 5' 5"
  - age:  21-25
  - must have an attractive face (to be defined by me upon inspection)
  - must not have a "beer belly"
  - must not be religious except for atheist or agnostic
  - must not enjoy talking about politics
  - must not smoke, drink until drunk, get stoned, or get high from any other drug
  - must be willing to show me his porn stash
  - must not enjoy arguing as a pasttime rather than an end to a means
  - must enjoy playing old school video games
  - must enjoy Adult Swim, Comedy Central, and TLC
  - must enjoy walking around outside at night and swimming at night when no one else is around
  - must enjoy amateur photography
  - must be proud of being perverted
  - must have a good sense of humor and find farts and belches at least slightly amusing
  - must enjoy oogling both Asian women and skinny men and be willing to sit on Lowry Mall and do so with me
  - must think that I am attractive and like my hair short
  - must think that I am intelligent and enjoy insulting girls who are not intelligent (preferably using the word "bitches")
  - must be willing to dress up for Halloween every year with me and put lots of effort into it
  - must be willing to publicly pretend to be a gansta and do silly thug poses with me
  - must be willing to marry me eventually and have approximately 2 children
  - must be willing to adopt a child if need be
  - must strike me as a good father figure
  - must attend classes regularly and have a minimum GPA of 3.5
  - must want to touch my vagina and not think that it is somehow gross

  Yeah, I know.  It's kind of a lot.  I could add more if I wanted.  I'm far to particular to accept anyone as a partner forever and ever.  I think perhaps being alone forever is the best thing for me.  I guess we will see how things go over the summer and until the end of college.  After that I might get a little scared of being alone forever.

  • 1:23 pm
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