May 7, 2007

• I'm scared...

  I've...never dated anyone.  I've never gone to a club and just picked someone for the evening.  I...I don't think I know how.  For being 20, I'm still very much a child.  I claim no lofty ideals of maturity.  I've only gone out with people I knew as a friend for a while beforehand.  How do people do it?  It sounds so damn scary when I think about the situation in my head.  I don't wear make-up, I don't have "clubbing" clothes, I don't do my hair, I don't really do any of the things that are required to randomly pick up people at clubs.  Then again, if I have to do that crap to get attention, but then I won't ever do it again, do I really want that kind of attention in the first place?

  Nope.  Fuck it.  Like you two xanga kids said, it's an impossible combination of things that I'm looking for and I should go have fun instead of trying to find another ball and chain to drag around behind me all day.  Thanks for the comments.

  So I cancelled my subscription to World of Warcraft.  That game is damn boring after a while.  Plus, I could spend the $15 I waste a month to play it on something cool like...food or rent.  I'm also getting the hell off of AIM.  I hate that crap.  I hate instant messaging.  Just throwing that out there.  It's like a phone call, only more pointless.  If I wouldn't miss it I would shut this xanga down, too.  I hate the internet.  It's so completely cold and unfeeling.  I mean, not that I don't enjoy when people read my entries, but every one of you is just a faceless little pile of words to me.  You're like fake people.  The internet is fake, emotionless and soulcrushing.  I miss the days when my friends had to call me to get a hold of me and not just message me on facebook.  I miss the days when I got to hear people's voices and see their faces instead of having to put up with an incredible number of silly emoticons and read their thoughts like a really badly written fifth grade paper.  "c u l8r"  What the hell?  Type out the damn words!  How much longer does it take?  I guess I'm not trendy enough for all that crap.  I don't even have an iPod, so I guess I don't count as a person.

  I woke up this morning and decided that I'm finished being depressed.  Whatever the reasons are, I'm going to try to understand why I'm feeling this way and fix it.  It really annoys me that I have to work so hard to understand myself, so maybe that should be my first task.  I need to uncomplicate my thoughts.  Here's what I came up with when I tried to strip the day down to it's very simplest parts:

  woke up and looked at clock - feeling: hopeful
  sat at computer and did stalker searches on facebook and xanga - feeling: terrible
  called Jason - feeling: foolish and angry
  called Adam - feeling: bored
  called Mike - feeling: apathetic
  drove to Mike's dorm - feeling: free
  saw Mike - feeling: neutral
  hugged Mike - feeling: confused
  orderred Chinese food - feeling: worried
  watched Mythbusters - feeling: interested
  watched Mega Man 2 speed run - feeling: interested
  called Adam - feeling: disappointed
  tucked Mike in for a nap - feeling: awkward
  drove Mike to my dorm - feeling: annoyed
  played L5R with Mike - feeling: REALLY annoyed and bored
  took Mike out to eat - feeling: neutral
  drove Mike back to his dorm - feeling: annoyed
  sat at computer typed another damn entry - feeling: hopeful

  Overall, I was enjoying myself the most during the whole day when I was driving all alone to Mike's dorm.  It felt really nice to just drive around in my car for a bit.  I also enjoyed watching television for a while and watching silly youtube videos.  Having Mike there made it more enjoyable because then I had someone to laugh with.  Sitting here writing this and listening to music ain't bad either, and neither is waking up.  I like waking up.

  On the downside, I really felt stupid after I called Jason again.  Don't think I'm gonna do that anymore.  I also sort of regretted calling Mike in the first place.  I called Adam because I was bored and wanted to play Guitar Hero.  I should have just waited for him to get off work so I could go hang out with him and his roommate and his girlfriend and play some video games.  That would have been pretty cool.  Instead I chose to go over and hang out with Mike.  Doing so just confuses me, so I think I should quit it.  Unfortunately, since we will be roommates...I don't know if there's much I can do about it.  Then by the time Adam called back, Mike and I had orderred Chinese food, which I was worried about paying for since I'm poor as hell, so I couldn't go hang out with him because I had to wait for the food to arrive.  The rest of the evening, which was all spent with Mike was really annoying and boring.

  So, my conclusions are that I should:
  - hang out with Mike as little as possible.
  - watch more television with other people.
  - quit advanced searching for people on facebook and checking out xangas in my metro.
  - never call Jason again.
  - hang out with my other friends more.
  - not go out and eat so much because it's costing me a fortune.

  Further, I think I'm gonna:
  - try to live like every day is the last day of my life.
  - quit wasting time on things that I don't really want to do in the first place.
  - take more time to just be happy and not think about anything in particular.

  Alright, and I'm gonna start right now.  I'm going to go take a really long shower and then brush my teeth to disco music like I used to in high school.  Then I'm going to look at porn until it gets late enough that I need to go to sleep so that I can get up for my logic final.  And tomorrow, when I wake up and open my eyes to my gently lit dorm room, I'm going to smile, grab my own breasts and let out a thunderous roar cuz that's how I roll.  I'll try and remember what I would have done during finals week my freshman year, because I sure seem to remember having lots of fun.  I'm gonna fix all this.  I'm gonna bring my happiness back from it's shallow grave.  I know that if I try hard enough that everything will get back on track and I will feel like the luckiest person in the world again like I did before.  I got this. 

  • 12:31 am
  • 3 Comments