I fail.

I consistently fail.

Good thing it's only in relationships and not in classes.

So I broke down and called Jason again, this time more out of anger than anything else.  It frustrates me to no end that he just will not pick up his goddamn phone!  That little bitch.  He better hope I never see his face again...because I would feel so embarrassed by all the harrassing that I've been doing that I would run away and hide.  Oh Jason, just pick up your phone and hit the little green button that accepts the call so I can appologize to you and then never talk to you again.  Twenty minutes of your time would save me hours of agonizing over my poor decisions.

So I broke down and hung out with Mike again, and it wasn't really that bad today.  I don't want to blame everything on pills, but I recently changed my birth control perscription and I think it turned me into some kind of crazed dragon lady for a bit.  It's never good to be able to think more clearly during the week of your period than in the weeks preceding it, never good at all.  I think I'll switch back to the on I was on before.  Instead of making me crazy, it just suppressed my emotions so that everthing was just kind of...okay.  Normally awesome things were...okay.  Normally horrible things were...okay.  However, I think that's better than feeling so crazed and unsure of yourself that you try to break up with your boyfriend for his best friend and then end up crying yourself to sleep for three terrible weeks.  Yeah, "okay" is better than that.  So, yeah, in conclusion, Mike wasn't annoying today really, so that was nice and I actually had a pretty fun time playing Legend of the Five Rings and hanging out with him.  Maybe the summer with him as a roommate won't be that bad as long as I watch what medicine I feed into my face.

So this really sweet guy has been messaging me on facebook.  Normally I hate facebook and only use it to keep in touch with high school friends in a convenient manner, but he messaged me just when I needed someone to talk to about nothing in particular.  It was nice to talk to someone who had no idea about any of my friends or any of the situations I was going through and who really just wanted to talk to me about hentai and video games instead of why I had just broken up with my boyfriend.  I stalkerbooked him and looked at all the pictures he had posted and I have to say that he is very attractive.  He's got one of those faces that never looks sad and he has dark hair combined with green eyes, which I think always makes people look more interesting than if they just have the generic blonde hair and blue eyes thing going on.  He's also very slender, which is a must for a guy to be attractive in my book.  With his membership to a fraternity, as well as a seemingly endless amount of female friends, if confuses me greatly that he is unattached.  Regardless, he is very cute and I am very happy for the random message from him.  I love talking about hentai with other people who enjoy it.  It's like how a political science major feels about talking about politics with other people who like talking about politics.  Plus he is a window into a world I am unfamiliar with, that of the fraternity male.  I do not have a single guy friend who is in a fraternity, so this is a great learning opportunity for me.  Even more impressive is that he was willing to admit to me that he was interested in having a MMF threesome.  The instant he explained that he gained + 1000 cool points in my book.  Kudos buddy!

Against my suggestion to myself not to stalk people on facebook, I messaged an attractive male from one of the clubs I participated in last semester because I noticed his status had changed to "single" all of a sudden.  I guess I wasn't really paying attention before, but now that I can date whoever I want, I guess it caught my eye that he was no longer in a relationship.  He's a chemical engineer like me and has one of those enjoyable scholarly faces like Mike does.  He plays World of Warcraft but does so on a PvP server and as I just quit myself I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.  Anyway, I doubt anything will come from me randomly messaging him but I figured it was worth a shot.  We'll see what he messages me back with.

Also against my suggestion, I searched for all females on facebook who were single and looking for women.  Let me tell you...girls looking for girls that haven't found any yet are pretty damn ugly.  Needless to say I was dissappointed to find that almost every one of them was either a feminist, an extreme liberal activist about something, creepy with like nine pets or just straight up ugly.  Where are these beautiful bisexual girls I hear about all the time?  Oh, that's right, they are only bi when they are drunk.  Bitches...

Anyway, as per the title, I feel like a bad person for all this "looking" that I am doing.  I feel like I should have remorse for trying to make myself happy.  However, the fact remains that all this looking is making me happier.  All the freedom to talk to and say whatever I want to anyone I want is pretty amazingly nice.  Like I cited in previous posts, three and a half years of being with only one person at a time without any room to experiment has made me pretty tense and ready for some change.  Who knows, maybe nothing will come of any of this and I will return once again to little Mike with his perfect body and childlike mind over the summer and all of this will be but a fleeting dream of things that could have been.  I don't care.  I don't want to die having really known only two people ever.  I've got plenty of time to settle down and raise a family and all that crap when I'm like 30.  Until then I want to have some fun and learn about what I really want in a boyfriend, not what I'll settle for in one.  So, in summary, today was a fun day of stalking and indulgence.

He's really attractive.  Sometimes it seems like really attractive > irritating and boring.  I still want to take all his little clothes off...I just don't want to talk to him afterwards anymore.  Is that bad?  Does that make me a bad person?  Yes, but I am also a person who is addicted to giving other people pleasure, so I think it evens out.  He likes it, I like it, why not do it?  Because I have to let him go.  I have to remember that things didn't work so well and regardless of the fact that he is indeed the most attractive male I have ever seen I can't just keep his hopes up.  It's cruel.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll meet another delicate featured male with broad shoulders and a tiny waste who looks like a scholar with his glasses on and an elf with them removed.  But the question is, will this other fantastically attractive male be any better than Mike? 

I guess I've started asking myself if Mike is really that bad.  I haven't come up with a clear answer yet.  I mean, we get along fine...it's just that he is really boring unless he is naked and I am punishing him.  I don't know how I feel really.  I guess the real question here would be, "Is it worth the risk of giving up something that's alright in the hopes of finding something better if the end result could also be never finding anyone else?"

Let's run the tests I learned from my Logic class on this problem, in honor of the final I took this morning:

Alright, so let's say in any 1000 people there are 50 that I would deam attractive.  Now let's say that of those 50 people, 20% are more compatible in the brain with me than Mike is.  So that leaves 10 people out of every 1000 that I would rather be with over Mike, based on these completely made up numbers.  Let's say that in a day I have the opportunity to talk to 500 people if I talked to every person I saw on the street, in class and in buildings and restaurants.  Of those 500, 25 would be talkworthy due to attractiveness and of those 25, 5 would be worthy of dating.

5/500 = 1/100 = 1%

One percent of the people I see in a day could be dateworthy, if my numbers are anywhere close to correct, which I have no way of telling.  So, let's assign values to Mike and then these other people.

Mike = 75 (representing that 75% of his qualities are satisfying to me)
Other people who are better than Mike = 90 (representing that 90% of their qualities are satisfying to me)

So, let's calculate the EMV...or should I say QMV for this "gambling" risk situation:

QMV = (probability of finding another person)(net gain in quality for finding another person) - (probability of not finding another person)(net loss in quality for losing Mike) = (1/100)(15) - (99/100)(75) = - 74.1% quality

So, for every day that I stay broken up with Mike to search for other people, I can expect to lose 74.1% quality in my partners.  Now, really, because I can only lose Mike once, each day that I searched after the first would result in an increase of .15% quality, so it would take me 494 days of being without Mike to make it worthwhile to leave him, assuming that my numbers are correct.  So by the time I'm in my second senior semester at Mizzou, I should have found someone at least as good as Mike, if I talked to every attractive person I saw every day until then.

Now, this process also doesn't take into account that were I to talk to every attractive person that I met, I would also have to take each of them out on a date to establish if I wanted to date them further.  For every hour that I spent on a date with these random attractive people, I couldn't be talking to other random attractive people, so really it would take longer.  Let's say it would take three times as long to be fair.  That means I would have to spend at least four years searching for other people to find someone at least as good as Mike.

When I think about it this way and consider the extremely low probabilities, probably lower than my estimated probabilities, of me finding someone else, it seems kind of silly to deprive myself of sexual activity with a reasonably satisfying male even if he is not exactly perfect.  Granted, he is very irritating sometimes, but perhaps everyone is.  I would assume that I can be, and I know lots of other people who are constantly to me, while Mike just is a fair amount of the time.  I don't know anyone who is never irritating.  But, would that really be "love" or would that be settling for your best option given the probability that it would take quite a long time to find someone better?  I think it would be the latter.

To take into account Mike's feelings, I know that he would be completely satisfied if right now, at this very moment I drove over to his dorm and told him I wanted to marry him and have his babies and all that crap.  He is not "settling" when he is with me.  To him, I am some kind of perfect being, regardless of any of the stupid crap I do.  I think that is love, or should I say I think that is a true feeling of happiness and satisfaction that could last until the end of time.  If he feels that way for me, perhaps I should just settle and allow him to be happy.

What think you, my xanga readers?  What would you do in my situation?  On the one hand, I have the extremely small possibility of finding the perfect person for me (If they exist?) and alienating Mike, forcing him to find someone who, to him, would probably be less satisfying.  On the other hand, I have settling for Mike, a very attractive but slightly annoying male, and allowing him to be completely happy.  Cast your vote and voice your thoughts.

Today has been nice so far.  I opened my eyes before my alarm went off and set it back another 20 minutes because I love doing that.  When it was finally time for me to get up I caught the alarm before it went off so I didn't have to hear it.  I hate alarms, but I love the try and beat the alarm with your internal clock game! 

Anyway, I shuffled off to my logic final and was stopped twice by old friends for a quick chat about finals and fun times this summer.  Consequentially, I was smiling for the remainder of the trip to my final.  Upon arriving at the building, I noticed a small crowd had gathered around something.  I went over to look and found another of my friends observing as well.  It was some kind of Asian puppet performance which was supposed to bring good luck to those who watched for finals.  I, believing firmly that if you believe in luck you will have it, watched for a few moments and then went into my final.  The final, which had been said to be very long and tedious, turned out to take me only half the time given for it.  I was pleased. 

Because I finished so early when I came back out of the building, my friend was actually working the puppet with his group (learning to make the puppet do the dance was the final for his Japanese class) so I sat on Brady fountain and watched for a bit, noticing that a mating pair of my friends were also watching.  The fountain made me feel like I was in California and the company was great as we talked.  I couldn't have asked for a better way to start the morning.

I strolled back to my dorm and met my roommate there, she being done with a final as well.  We shared stories and then decided to go with each other for moral support to find out the results of our last Mass and Energy Balance test as well as whether or not we each had to take the final.  Finding out that I currently have an A- in the class without taking the final, which is actually another exam that can be used to replace a previous exam, made me very happy.  I should easily without studying be able to get at least a 77% on the final (my worst test was a 77%) and raise my grade to an A.  Even if I don't, I'm sort of hoping for an A- somewhere this semester.  That way I will be out from under the task of working for a 4.0 throughout my entire college career...which I think would make me look like a complete social outcast.  Plus, I won't have to explain to people anymore that I do indeed have friends and I do indeed do things other than study when they ask me what my GPA is if I'm majoring in Chemical Engineering.  My roommate was pleased also because she was very frightened that her grade was perhaps a B- or C, but it turned out to be a strong B, giving her the oportunity to raise it up to a B+ if she took the final.  We returned to the dorm, satisfied that our hard work and infinite whining about homework, projects and studying had paid off.

Moving on, I knew that the day would be crappy for a bit, because both Mike and I have Differential Equations and our final is tomorrow at 1 pm.  Therefore, we planned on studying together.  I called him and invited him to eat with me.  I decided on Panera (a triumph for me as I am working towards being less indecisive all the time about completely pointless things) and went to pick him up.  He was tired and cranky because he didn't go to sleep until 3:30 am and had a final at 8 am.  Irritating.  There was a homeless man in the parking garage who tried to take my change from me.  Irritating.  There was nowhere to sit at Panera after I had already paid for my parking spot.  Irritating.  I decide on Bangkok Gardens instead and we headed there.  Unfortunately, in my haste to get away from the homeless man, I had parked poorly in the garage, and since I am a bit OCD about parking I had to return to fix the parking job before we ate.  Irritating.  Mike decided that he didn't want to study after we ate and instead wanted to take a nap, leaving me to wait for him to study rather than just getting it done so I could do fun stuff.  Irritating.  So, I dropped him off, took all my porn from out of his room and left him to nap.

However, despite the fact that Mike is overall very irritating and some of the things that randomly happened while I was with him were irritating, I tried to stay in a happy mood.  I had a very nice morning and I realized that I have a crapton of friends who are really fun to hang out with and talk to.  I also realized that I feel strangely better by just thinking that I should feel better and trying not to think about angry/sad/annoying things as much.  That thing where you can make yourself better mentally just by thinking you are better is definitely at least a tiny bit rooted in truth I think.  After a single morning and part of an afternoon, I feel at least twice as good as I did yesterday.

One little tiny thing that is nagging me and I can't help but think about every so often is that I wish I could appologize to Jason for hassling him.  Unfortunately, he won't answer the phone, isn't on AIM and hasn't called Mike.  Really, if he doesn't call me back, then he probably doesn't deserve an appology because that's reasonably rude in itself.  Regardless, that's just a little tiny thing and I think after a couple of days I'll stop feeling bad about it and easily move on.

So, in summary, my whole plan to try and be happier overall seems to be working pretty well already.  I'm a little worried about how I'm going to get around hanging out with Mike all the time since we have all the same friends, will be living in the exact same room and do all the same stuff, but I'm sure that things will work themselves out and turn out okay. 

Whether it's really awkward living with Mike or just a little annoying every so often, it's still really awesome that I get my first real place where I have my own bedroom and kitchen and bathroom and livingroom that belong to me.  I can buy whatever food I want and cook whatever I want because I'll have a stove!  I'll also have a place to go when I just want to sit, play my Gameboy and listen to music uninterrupted, which isn't possible here in the dorms.  I'll be working full-time for a bit also, which I have never done before, so that should be interesting and also enjoyable for the increased cashflow.  I guess really what this summer will turn out to be is a learning experience.  I will learn how to deal with ex-boyfriends, full-time jobs and paying for rent and food and all that.  It will be a little trial run for after graduation, and trial runs always make the real thing go more smoothly.

Anyway, yeah, I'm feeling better and I think I'm gonna put on some tunes and learn me some math so I can roxor the final tomorrow.  Good luck to all who read this and are studying hard, too!  Remember to do some fun crap to break up the horrible bore of studying for a cumulative final.  Also, if anyone knows any random Asian virgins, send them over hear so I can remove their clothing and have my way with them.

As an addition to my previous post, I want to say that I'm just going to try and let "love" happen because I think I've been trying to force it.  I think that I feel like love is the ultimate goal of everyone's life and all relationships should eventually turn into love.  I think maybe this is a foolish view.  In fact, when I think about it, I don't even really know what the hell love is.  So, in conclusion, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, then I'm down with that, too.  I just don't want to feel trapped in a relationship ever again.  THAT is definitely not love. 

Love is really a very silly word used to express something that shouldn't be expressed in a single word.  I think maybe I will never say it again.  Instead, I will say what I really mean.  If I do feel something for someone, I will explain it.  Instead of saying, "I love you," I will announce, "Every moment I am with you is better than every other moment I am not with you."  Don't you think that conveys the message much more clearly?  I mean, that's just an example.  I just think maybe confining all the feelings and thoughts associated with "love" into a single word doesn't really do the whole deal justice.  Maybe that's just my opinion.  I don't know.  Anyways, to the disco toothbrushing!

I've...never dated anyone.  I've never gone to a club and just picked someone for the evening.  I...I don't think I know how.  For being 20, I'm still very much a child.  I claim no lofty ideals of maturity.  I've only gone out with people I knew as a friend for a while beforehand.  How do people do it?  It sounds so damn scary when I think about the situation in my head.  I don't wear make-up, I don't have "clubbing" clothes, I don't do my hair, I don't really do any of the things that are required to randomly pick up people at clubs.  Then again, if I have to do that crap to get attention, but then I won't ever do it again, do I really want that kind of attention in the first place?

Nope.  Fuck it.  Like you two xanga kids said, it's an impossible combination of things that I'm looking for and I should go have fun instead of trying to find another ball and chain to drag around behind me all day.  Thanks for the comments.

So I cancelled my subscription to World of Warcraft.  That game is damn boring after a while.  Plus, I could spend the $15 I waste a month to play it on something cool like...food or rent.  I'm also getting the hell off of AIM.  I hate that crap.  I hate instant messaging.  Just throwing that out there.  It's like a phone call, only more pointless.  If I wouldn't miss it I would shut this xanga down, too.  I hate the internet.  It's so completely cold and unfeeling.  I mean, not that I don't enjoy when people read my entries, but every one of you is just a faceless little pile of words to me.  You're like fake people.  The internet is fake, emotionless and soulcrushing.  I miss the days when my friends had to call me to get a hold of me and not just message me on facebook.  I miss the days when I got to hear people's voices and see their faces instead of having to put up with an incredible number of silly emoticons and read their thoughts like a really badly written fifth grade paper.  "c u l8r"  What the hell?  Type out the damn words!  How much longer does it take?  I guess I'm not trendy enough for all that crap.  I don't even have an iPod, so I guess I don't count as a person.

I woke up this morning and decided that I'm finished being depressed.  Whatever the reasons are, I'm going to try to understand why I'm feeling this way and fix it.  It really annoys me that I have to work so hard to understand myself, so maybe that should be my first task.  I need to uncomplicate my thoughts.  Here's what I came up with when I tried to strip the day down to it's very simplest parts:

woke up and looked at clock - feeling: hopeful
sat at computer and did stalker searches on facebook and xanga - feeling: terrible
called Jason - feeling: foolish and angry
called Adam - feeling: bored
called Mike - feeling: apathetic
drove to Mike's dorm - feeling: free
saw Mike - feeling: neutral
hugged Mike - feeling: confused
orderred Chinese food - feeling: worried
watched Mythbusters - feeling: interested
watched Mega Man 2 speed run - feeling: interested
called Adam - feeling: disappointed
tucked Mike in for a nap - feeling: awkward
drove Mike to my dorm - feeling: annoyed
played L5R with Mike - feeling: REALLY annoyed and bored
took Mike out to eat - feeling: neutral
drove Mike back to his dorm - feeling: annoyed
sat at computer typed another damn entry - feeling: hopeful

Overall, I was enjoying myself the most during the whole day when I was driving all alone to Mike's dorm.  It felt really nice to just drive around in my car for a bit.  I also enjoyed watching television for a while and watching silly youtube videos.  Having Mike there made it more enjoyable because then I had someone to laugh with.  Sitting here writing this and listening to music ain't bad either, and neither is waking up.  I like waking up.

On the downside, I really felt stupid after I called Jason again.  Don't think I'm gonna do that anymore.  I also sort of regretted calling Mike in the first place.  I called Adam because I was bored and wanted to play Guitar Hero.  I should have just waited for him to get off work so I could go hang out with him and his roommate and his girlfriend and play some video games.  That would have been pretty cool.  Instead I chose to go over and hang out with Mike.  Doing so just confuses me, so I think I should quit it.  Unfortunately, since we will be roommates...I don't know if there's much I can do about it.  Then by the time Adam called back, Mike and I had orderred Chinese food, which I was worried about paying for since I'm poor as hell, so I couldn't go hang out with him because I had to wait for the food to arrive.  The rest of the evening, which was all spent with Mike was really annoying and boring.

So, my conclusions are that I should:
- hang out with Mike as little as possible.
- watch more television with other people.
- quit advanced searching for people on facebook and checking out xangas in my metro.
- never call Jason again.
- hang out with my other friends more.
- not go out and eat so much because it's costing me a fortune.

Further, I think I'm gonna:
- try to live like every day is the last day of my life.
- quit wasting time on things that I don't really want to do in the first place.
- take more time to just be happy and not think about anything in particular.

Alright, and I'm gonna start right now.  I'm going to go take a really long shower and then brush my teeth to disco music like I used to in high school.  Then I'm going to look at porn until it gets late enough that I need to go to sleep so that I can get up for my logic final.  And tomorrow, when I wake up and open my eyes to my gently lit dorm room, I'm going to smile, grab my own breasts and let out a thunderous roar cuz that's how I roll.  I'll try and remember what I would have done during finals week my freshman year, because I sure seem to remember having lots of fun.  I'm gonna fix all this.  I'm gonna bring my happiness back from it's shallow grave.  I know that if I try hard enough that everything will get back on track and I will feel like the luckiest person in the world again like I did before.  I got this. 

Yeah, it feels kind of strange.  I've been in a relationship for the last three and a half years and now I'm not.  I almost don't remember what it's like to be single.  I guess the hunt begins again.

Jason called me yesterday.  He sounded irritated on the phone and also declined going on a date with me because he indeed did not want to betray his friend.  In my heart I knew that was the answer, I just needed to hear it.  If he had accepted the offer, he would be a pretty crappy friend anyway now that I think about it, so I probably shouldn't have asked in the first place.  I guess when he uttered the phrase, "I don't think so.  I would be betraying Mike." I kind of felt like I had just snapped out of a dream.  I realized all the crap I had been doing was so foolish and pointless.  I was acting like such a little child.  Why would dating someone's best friend logically follow from breaking up with him/her?  The answer is, it doesn't.  Perhaps a combination of the stress of finals and the fear that comes with getting out of a serious relationship altered my reality for a few weeks.  I appologize for all the rants about this crap.  When I read them I just feel so disgusted with myself.

Anyway, Mike wants me back.  He wants to be mine and to marry me and all that still.  Part of me wants to make him happy and go back to him, but the other part, the rational part knows that isn't a good idea. 

Mike loves to argue.  He loves to be right.  He loves to argue a point until everyone around wants to beat the hell out of him.  He gets violent with stuff when he gets frustrated.  He figgits a lot and can't sit still.  He has a lot of characteristics that remind me of small children, which I do not, indeed, find cute just because I am female.  I find small children extremely irritating.  He gets angry about little weird things and then gets angry when you ask him why he is angry.  He yells when people question anything that he does.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty passive person.  I could definitely handle all this stuff about him forever and ever and never divorce him.  I can accept a lot of adversity.  Unfortunately for him, the fact that he loves to be right means that he picks things out about me to analyze and insult.  I am currently depressed.  Now that I spend a lot less time with him, I find that I think more of myself.  I feel less depressed than when I was with him.  So, while I can accept a lot of adversity, I can't accept the adversity that doesn't allow me to be happy regardless of it.

He has a lot of good qualities, too.  I can't just pretend that he's not good at all.  He's beautiful.  He's the most attractive male I have ever laid eyes on.  His face is so amazingly worth starring at.  His body is perfect, broad shoulders, a tiny waist and little, slightly womanish hips just the way I like it.   He loves playing video games and talking about them.  He loves playing DDR.  He loves watching the same television shows as me.  He tells me I'm an awesome person and that I'm wonderful and all that all the time, so that does counter the insulting things he says, but there is still a net negative to cause my depression.

I'm really scared about what's going to happen.  We are going to be roommates over the summer and the following school year.  Will we be okay?  Will we fight?  Will there be hard feelings when dates come to pick us up?  If only we weren't living together I think everything would work out a lot more smoothly.  Well, situations like this build character, right?  I guess really I'm not in the mood for more dates.  I think I just want to be single for a spell.  I don't even want to hunt for mates.  I probably would never find one anyway.  I'm too particular.  I mean really, how many guys fit my criteria?

Bisexual female looking for bisexual male.  Must fit the following criteria:
- weight:  < 150 lbs
- 6' 1" >  height  > 5' 5"
- age:  21-25
- must have an attractive face (to be defined by me upon inspection)
- must not have a "beer belly"
- must not be religious except for atheist or agnostic
- must not enjoy talking about politics
- must not smoke, drink until drunk, get stoned, or get high from any other drug
- must be willing to show me his porn stash
- must not enjoy arguing as a pasttime rather than an end to a means
- must enjoy playing old school video games
- must enjoy Adult Swim, Comedy Central, and TLC
- must enjoy walking around outside at night and swimming at night when no one else is around
- must enjoy amateur photography
- must be proud of being perverted
- must have a good sense of humor and find farts and belches at least slightly amusing
- must enjoy oogling both Asian women and skinny men and be willing to sit on Lowry Mall and do so with me
- must think that I am attractive and like my hair short
- must think that I am intelligent and enjoy insulting girls who are not intelligent (preferably using the word "bitches")
- must be willing to dress up for Halloween every year with me and put lots of effort into it
- must be willing to publicly pretend to be a gansta and do silly thug poses with me
- must be willing to marry me eventually and have approximately 2 children
- must be willing to adopt a child if need be
- must strike me as a good father figure
- must attend classes regularly and have a minimum GPA of 3.5
- must want to touch my vagina and not think that it is somehow gross

Yeah, I know.  It's kind of a lot.  I could add more if I wanted.  I'm far to particular to accept anyone as a partner forever and ever.  I think perhaps being alone forever is the best thing for me.  I guess we will see how things go over the summer and until the end of college.  After that I might get a little scared of being alone forever.

I'm so tense.  My back literally hurts because of all the anticipation.  I want Jason to call me.  Will he call me tomorrow?  If he doesn't and I call him will he be angry?  Should I wait until Sunday before calling him myself?  Does he want me to call him?  Was he ever really planning on calling me in the first place?  When we do finally talk what will his final decision be?  Will he give me a chance?  If he does, what if I find out he's not really that cool and all the hoping and dreaming was for nothing?  Can I deal with not actually having a "love of my life" for a while if it turns out he doesn't want me?  Why am I so strong when it comes to everything but my own feelings?  Why am I so helpless and fragile in the face of these kinds of situations?

One thing I can say in my own defense is that at least it's not like last time when I started having sex with Mike before breaking up with my boyfriend Brandon, effectively cheating for the first time in my life.  At least in this situation I HAVE indeed broken up with Mike and am indeed single.  I'm not lying to anyone.  Everyone knows everything.  I don't have the live with the guilt of deceiving someone this time.  I don't have to regret the transition this time.

An aside to Jason:

GOD DAMN, Jason!  Call me!  Fucking call me already!!!  What the hell are you doing that is so important that you can't call me!!!  Call me!!!  I won't sleep!!  I barely slept for three out of the nine hours I was laying in my bed last night!!!  Get your ass home already and get all your crap settled so you can call me!!  Finals couldn't have been that bad this week!!  You know they weren't!  You're a smart kid, you probably didn't even study!  What did you do?!  You DIDN'T CALL ME!!  You didn't get on AIM, you didn't log onto WoW, you didn't do nothin'.  I bet you just wandered around on some beautiful beach in Michigan and watched the water ripple around your toes.  Would you have called me already if you wanted to?  I mean...I guess I understand why you wouldn't want to.  I'm one crazyass bitch, or at least so I've noticed in the last few months...but the least you could have said that.  You could have just said, "No, Katie, you are a crazyass bitch and I don't want to talk to you again ever."  Instead you say, "I'll consider it," when I ask you on a date and that you will indeed talk to me when your finals are over.  Did you mean it?  DID YOU?!?  You better call me tomorrow or I'm probably going to break my spine from the tension that is building in my back and shoulders.  Please?  Pretty, pretty please with ultra sugar frosting of infinite goodness on top???  If only you knew how incredibly happy it would make me to see your name on my cell phone and hear your voice on the other end saying, "So, what weekend did you want to get together?  Yes, I love Robert Heinlein, too!  Oh man, yeah, I love watching House because he is awesome and my hero, too!  Oh yeah, I'm really bored with playing World of Warcraft, too, and would love to play Sex with Katie instead.  That's an epic idea!  Oh, I agree, it is really annoying when Mike just argues for the sake of argument or gets randomly angry for no reason.  I don't do that ever.  Well, see you for our date during which we will talk for hours and then make out for an equally long amount of time!"  So, in conclusion, call me you sexy bastard!  Just call me!  CALL ME!!!

Ah, the last day of classes for me is always a good day.  Hopefully by Monday I will know all the things that I want to know.  Finals will occur.  Then I will move into my apartment and get my hair cut and colored.  I will be out of the limbo in which I am currently trapped and I will know my COA. 

Only a few more days.  I have to hold out.  I have to focus.  I have to get this right.  The tension is killing me.  I need a massage, and I need it to be given by a young Asian woman with large breasts and a desire to get naked while massaging.  Yes.  That would be good.

The compliments increase daily.  Young Michael tells me I smell good and look good and have gotten so skinny several times a day now.  It pleases me, and at the same time he smells good and looks good also.  Perhaps I am making a poor decision trying to get with his best friend instead.  When I think that though, I remember that just because someone is physically attractive and physically attracted to you does not mean that you must be with them.  Mike has a lot of personality traits that I find distasteful, and that is the reason all this came about, not because he suddenly got ugly, which is not the truth.  I need to keep said properties in mind.  I must hold out.  I must focus.  I must get this right.  I just need to keep chanting those three things over and over until the dust settles and things fall back into order.

Soon, soon.  I must remember, it will all happen so soon.

I had one huge long terrible dream last night.  I'm not sure if dreams mean anything, but if they do then I don't know what the hell is going on in my head.

I started off dreaming about college.  I was here at Mizzou and everything was very pretty and it was raining just a bit (It was raining yesterday?).  I was walking to Engineering Building East to take my Mass and Energy Balance exam (I have one today?) when Jason called (He's supposed to?).  Suddenly I had the ability to teleport, so I used my telephone as a medium to teleport to Jason's location.  Unfortunately, Jason was on some kind of secret island military base where the Americans and Russians (I hated Russian class?) were both stationed (Mike was talking about playing Command and Conquer?).  Mike was there, too, and we all became part of a military scouting operation to gain some information on the Russian activity.  We were also scouting to find sources of clean water for some reason.  As we go closer and closer to the Russian base, we noticed that something seemed odd.  Bodies littered the ground, but the American force had not attacked the Russian base, nor did the Russians even know that the Americans were stationed on the same island.  We came across a spring on our way, but unfortunately it, too, was littered with bodies.  I can remember in the dream that it smelled really awful, as it should have.  When we finally reached the Russian base we noticed that everyone seemed to just be standing around, most of them wounded in some way or covered in blood.  Needless to say, we were all very alarmed.  We decided to head back to the American base and took another route trying to find more fresh water that wasn't filled with rotting bodies.  Another spring was on the opposite side of the island far enough from the Russian base to be bodyless.  When we got back to camp and reported our findings, the guy in charge, I'm assuming some kind of general or something seemed unconcerned.  He told us that we couldn't get water from the spring closer to the Russian base anyways because there was too high a risk of discovery or something like that, but he didn't really say anything about all the bodies or the strange behavior of the Russians at the base.  Later as Mike, Jason, three or four other soldiers, and I were eating some crappy food around a fire (This was probably from old cowboy movies that my dad watches.), we heard strange noises from the surrounding area.  Of course, moaning and such.  A few moments later, a bunch of Russian zombies popped out of the darkness.  I immediately teleported away to the mall from Silent Hill in fear and left everyone there.  Good thing that the mall was just the mall from Silent Hill in look, not in events.  I decided that I needed to get my hair done (I'm getting it done after finals week.).  (In the dream this seemed completely normal to me, but now that I type it, it just seems stupid that I left a bunch of people to die and then decided to get my hair done.  Perhaps that's how my guilt about all this Mike and Jason business is translating into my subconcious?)  I had an appointment, believe it or not, at 3:30 pm, but it was only 1 pm, so I was going to have to wait.  Fortunately for me, the girl working there (who just happened to be this girl with blue hair that works at a nearby Taco Bell here at Mizzou) said she could fit me in now instead.  I went on in to the salon, which was really nice for a mall salon, and sat down to get my hair cut.  Instead she started mixing colors.  As she came back I was suddenly compelled to teleport back to the island.  Now, instead of a military base, I was in some kind of subdivision looking place with a few houses and then a bunch of empty lots in the middle of nowhere.  I believe it was still on the island.  On of the older guys who works with the same research group as me, Raj, was there along with a lady that looked like a reporter and several badass looking men dressed in military uniforms.  A couple of children poked their heads out of one of the houses, and by children I mean 12 or 13ish.  Then several more people came out of the same single house.  They all crowded around me and explained what was going on.  It seems the American military general guy decided that to get rid of the Russian threat he would use some kind of virus in the water of their spring that would kill them all.  Instead, it killed them and then reanimated their bodies (I'm sure all this zombie stuff is somehow connected to my friend Jared who is getting zombies and the house from Night of the Living Dead tatooed on his arm, yes, permanantly...crazy kid.  The worst one so far is the one with all the maggots on it.  I HATE zombies!) and they came to feed on the flesh of the still living American soldiers.  Few made it out alive and those few were taking refuge in the house that everyone came out of.  In total it was about 15 people.  I wasn't sure where the children or the report or the several other random women had come from, but I took it to be the truth and turned to my research buddy Raj.  He wanted me to go and get samples of the water near the Russian base for testing so that maybe a cure could be found.  I accepted and went with four bulky military guys to find the spring again.  As we walked, one of the guys told me to use his nose as a map to the spring...which confused me, but when I looked at his face I realized that indeed, his face was shaped like the island and his nostriles were positioned so that they mimicked the positions of the two springs.  (Seriously, don't ask me...)  We got to the spring and I took some water samples, but as I did, zombies popped out of nowhere and attacked us.  One guy was bitten and another bitten by the guy who just got bitten, so I grabbed the other two soldiers and teleported us back to the mall.  The girl who was going to do my hair was pissed because in the time that I had been gone the hair coloring had dried out.  I told her I would pay for it and teleported back to the little house.  When I returned, Raj took the samples from me and asked where two of the guys had gone.  We explained and he looked sad.  Then he handed me this credit card (At the lab he is in charge of the group's credit card so you have to ask him before you make a purchase.).  He told me for my hard work I was to be given this $50,000 to spend however I wanted.  I shrugged and teleported back to the mall.  The girl was even more pissed off, so I told her that I had just been given $50,000 and I could give her a huge tip for finishing my hair.  She was overjoyed and sat talkatively cutting, coloring and fancifying my hair.  When she had finished, my hair was shorter and highlighted with white and blue-black (I was planning on doing this exact thing to my hair.).  I gave her $1000 as payment and then teleported back to the island.  When I got back I noticed that one of the people in the house had been bitten by a zombie.  She looked like a female basketball star and was African American.  I questioned her, as she had already started to rot, as to why she wasn't trying to bite everyone.  Her response (which confused the hell out of me) was that she was my mothers long lost daughter from another man and that my mother had some kind of nerve cells in her brain that stopped the decomposition of the mind from the virus (I have a feeling this has to do with Parasite Eve, a great game.).  She was hanging around so that she could help Raj's research to try and find a cure.  Suddenly, everyone froze for a split second and then ran in the house.  I followed.  I then saw out on of the cracks in the barred up windows that hordes of zombies were coming from all directions at the house.  A couple military guys rushed back out the door with baseball bats and started hitting zombies in the head.  Incredibly, they managed to destroy all of them, just the two of them.  I applauded.  Everyone went back about their business.  It seemed that the two children I mentioned earlier were pretty sad.  I asked them what was wrong and they explained that their mothers were missing.  Hmm...not cool.  As soon as they had said that my mind flashed into a different place.  I was seeing things somewhere else I guess.  Two womens' heads where in a cage carried by a huge zombie.  In his other arm he had their rotting corpses.  The two womens' heads, which looked waterlogged and horrible where chatting amiably with each other and complaining about how bumpy the ride in the cage had been.  It was really the most horrifying part of the dream.  Nearing the settlement, the huge zombie set the bodies down on the ground and set the heads on top of the empty necks.  The women waved goodbye to the zombie and started walking toward the house.  My mind flashed back to my own eyes and I saw the women approaching and yelled out in fright.  The two children rushed to the window, and then recognizing their mothers opened the door!  I was terrified for some reason and froze in fear.  One of the children was instantly bittened and dismembered by a random zombie that was just chillin' outside.  The other grabbed his mothers head from her shoulders, cursed at it and then grabbed a baseball bat from inside the door and hit the head off into the woods.  He did the same to the other woman.  It was really horrible!!  Their waterlogged bodies fell to the ground and the child came back inside and just wandered off.  It was at that moment that I gain saw another place, this time behind the house we were all hold up in.  A female zombie and my sister-from-another-father were outside at the food stores, which were for some reason under a potted plant in a small natural rock formation.  Even though it seemed as though my sis was handling the whole being a zombie thing well, she still hungered for flesh, so she was eating meat from the food stores at the command of this female zombie.  Suddenly, realizing what she was doing, my sis punched the female zombie's head off and ran back inside.  It was as this moment that I decided I had had enough fun for one day and I teleported back to Mizzou.  As I was walking back from EBE after my Mass and Energy Balance exam, which I was supposed to take way back at the start of the dream, sirens went off and a young man's voice came over the loudspeakers...which I don't think Mizzou has any of.  The voice yelled for everyone to get inside their respective dorms and stay inside because zombies had overrun the campus and all exterior doors were going to be locked in about five minutes.  I ran back to Mark Twain just in time to hear the door click behind me.  I sighed with relief and went to my room, thinking that it wouldn't be too bad to be trapped in Mark Twain since there was a good amount of food and everything I would need to survive for quite some time.  When I opened the door to my room, I noticed my roommate was "sleeping" on her desk with her face in a book.  I assumed she had fallen asleep studying, but then I saw a huge bite on her neck.  I realized that she had been bitten and had died, but would reanimate very soon.  I instantly grabbed her from her chair and chucked her out the door of the room, locking it behind me and informing the front desk of the situation.  They removed her from the building.  I then called Mike (who I guess hadn't died at the campfire or maybe my brain just forgot since this was a really long dream) and found him to be safe in his room.  I then called Jason.  When I called him "something" picked up, made some strange noises and then it sounded like the phone was crushed.  I assumed he was dead up at his dorm in Michigan.  I then called my parents who where safe and sound with my little brother hold up in our house way up on a hill.  I wasn't reallly worried about them anyway.  My dad has like 15 different shotguns and both my brother and mother know how to shoot.  I turned on my iTunes and just as I was about to check my e-mail I woke up.  I was rather relieved.

So, that was a pretty epic dream.  I've never had one that long or that well put together.  I mean, for a dream it made a good amount of sense.  However, I have no idea what any of it really means about my mental state.  I think mostly what my brain is saying to me is that my life is a little turbulent right now, but it will eventually settle down as soon as Jason is out of the picture.  By Sunday for sure I will know what path I will be walking, so we will see how the symbolism in the dream plays out.

As a side note, before this dream started I had a very quick dream that involved a fivesome with me, Mike, Jason, Dante and Dr. House.  It was pretty good, not gonna lie.

Okay, studytime!

It's official.  I've lost the will to live.  Funny how it just happens over a period of a couple hours when everything possible comes crashing down on you.  Everything hits you like oncoming traffic and you realize that you've dug a hole you'll never escape from because you're so far down and you don't have any friends to bring rope.

How did I make it this far?  How did I let myself fall so fast?  Why have I suddenly lost all drive to do anything as well as I can?  What is this feeling, like drifting down a river, making no attempt to free yourself from the current?  What do I need to do to climb out of the hole I've dug?  What is the magical rope that can free me?  Is it really Jason?  If he's not the magical rope, then who/what is?  What do I really need?  What am I so urgently searching for?  Let me think for a bit.

I feel so helpless.  I don't understand my coursework.  I can't concentrate on studying for the four finals I have next week.  I can't concentrate on studying for the exam I have tomorrow.  I don't excel at work.  I don't excel in class.  I don't feel the amazing luckiness that I have felt all my life up to this point.  Am I losing my childhood addiction to destiny and coincidence?  Perhaps ignorance really is bliss.  Perhaps living in that tiny town where everyone thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread has ruined me for the real world where I'm not the big fish anymore.  You aren't special here.  There are others like you.  There are others better than you.  The fantasy is broken.  The ego is broken.

But that's not the problem.  The problem is not that I can't do "the best."  The problem is that  I can't do "my best."  The problem is the research project.  I know it is.  It stretches my time so thin that I can no longer completely pwn every homework assignment and get 100% on every test.  I'm a fool for thinking that it was a good idea to join the research group.  Resume schmesume.  This is killing me.  The only thing I can hope is that it will be more enjoyable during the summer and then perhaps I will be able to just quit when my summer classes start.  God...I hope so.

Another thing is this whole Jason business.  Here are the problems:
- I will be living with Mike over the summer and I don't think he'll be too keen on having Jason over just so we can make out.
- Jason will be living in St. Louis over the summer and I don't think it will be very enjoyable to start a relationship when we will only be able to see each other on weekends at great cost of gasoline for the trips to and from our respective living places.
- Jason will go back to MICHIGAN in the fall.  He would have to be instantly recognizable as the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with for me to try and work a "long distance" relationship.
- All Jason has said concerning dating me is that he would "consider it" which does not sound very promising.
- If I was Jason and my best friend's girlfriend had just broken up with him...I probably wouldn't go out with her for fear of ruining my friendship, which would probably happen if Jason did chose to date me.
- If Jason did decide to date me regardless of Mike's feelings, which is incredibly unlikely, I would still have to deal with Mike all summer and next year, and if he became angry it could be a pretty horrible situation to have last for that long.

So really, what the hell am I thinking?  I barely know Jason!  But...he's the last scrap of that "childhood addiction to destiny and coincidence" that I have left in me.  Only he makes me feel those happy feelings again.  Regardless of all the incredibly discouraging evidence for it not working out, I have to try.  Plus, I've made the decision that Mike and I are not right for each other.  So, even if I don't get Jason, I'm not going back to Mike.  I just want to be Mike's friend and roommate and then go out with Jason.  Is that so much to ask of the world?  I guess it is kind of a lot.  I guess I should just shut up about this shit until this weekend when I will finally get to talk to Jason and have him confirm or destroy all my hopes and dreams at this moment.

Anyway, I'm just depressing myself further and I can't do anything about any of this stuff right now so I just need to be patient and shut the hell up.  I need to stop beating myself up mentally every day over and over and just stand confidently by my decisions.