June 9, 2007

• It's no wonder perfection is a dark virtue.

  They say ignorance is bliss.  I think they may be correct.

  Why is it that knowledge, science, reason, and the truth can be so crushingly depressing?  Why is it that the more I know, the more I realize that I can never know everything, I can never know enough?  With each passing day as I plunge deeper into the world of a researcher I can feel my inner child slipping away.  I can feel that weight, that burden of understanding that there is nothing after this, there is no ultimate goal other than to further one's DNA into the next generation.  Life seems so magical when you are young and still learning.  Everything is new and amazing.  As things become old, understood...that amazement passes.  You realize that while there is nothing that you cannot do, there really isn't anything you CAN do to keep yourself from eventually dying.

  I've been thinking about death a lot lately.  I don't suppose that's a good thing.  It's not that I want to die, it's just that I want to understand dying.  I want to know what it is that happens to your "soul" when you die.  I don't want to sound stupid, but if you just die and then there is nothing, then what is the purpose?  No one will remember you past one or maybe two generations if you do something really great.  Only your children and grandchildren will really benefit from your presence and who knows if your grandchildren will even take anything away from knowing you.  I suppose if you just want to pass on your physical characteristics then you don't have to worry and just have a bunch of children, but what I'm talking about is passing on knowledge.  Even if you teach hundreds of thousands of people everything you know, how long will that knowledge be passed on?

  I feel like I've typed all this before, but I'm too lazy to check my old posts.  I'm sure I'll get a kick out of how lame and depressed I was for such a long time and how many times I tried to pretend I wasn't and how many stupid things I did to try and work it all out.  I'm sure one day I'll feel that happy magic again that I seem to have lost lately.

  Mike...who I want desperately to get away from and who I regret moving in with...can't seem to let me go.  He seems to think that we are destined to be together and that I should go to the doctor and get some pills to make me happy again.  He thinks it's some kind of chemical imbalance that has me so down.  To that I respond, "If I have to take pills to be normal, then I would rather be crazy forever."  I just don't see the purpose of taking pills that make you happy.  If you are taking pills that make you happy, then how do you know when you are really happy and when it's just the pill?  If you are never sad, then how do you know the value of being happy?  I'll never stoop to that level, that dependence on things other than myself to fix my problems.

  My mind wanders when I drive to and from work all alone in my car with my radio on.  It always wanders to Jason.  Every time I've ever wanted desperately to get to know someone, I've gotten that chance.  I've learned enough about them to place them into their category:  aquaintance, friend or lover.  Jason never gave me that chance.  I asked for it and he denied it.  He won't take my calls and he blocked me on AIM.  In a way I'm glad.  The alternative would have been the natural way, talking to him while he was hanging out at Mike's house, slowly building a relationship with him until he realized that we were compatible and we started making out or something, only to have Mike discover and hate both of us forever...or I could have just found out that he wasn't enjoyable and then just bailed on the both of them, leaving them to be best friends forever and no worse for the wear.  But...I think what I did was so much less sneaky and underhanded and I think the result will be better as well.  I told Mike how I felt.  I told him I wanted to get to know Jason and I told him I didn't feel the same way about him anymore.  I told him everything.  I told him the truth.  I told Jason the same.  Mike can't accept that I don't love him anymore and insists that we are still dating.  Jason can't accept that talking to me for about an hour would rid him of me forever if he turned out to be not nearly as interesting as I hope he is.  I can't accept failure, which this whole mess is turning out to be.

  I've been "interviewing," shall we say, several other males as well, since I've already made the move to look around.  Ryan is an interesting little kitty cat.  Unfortunately he fails two of my tests:  he's religious and he loves debate.  I'd make out with him once or twice, however, given the oppurtunity as he is rather attractive, but he would get nothing more from me.  Then there are a number of random males on facebook that I've been stalking.  I like to do searches for single males with interesting entries into their little explanation boxes.  When I find one that's attractive and interesting or that hides his profile, I send him a message.  It's been interesting so far.  I found another Dr. House Jr. that I might go chasing.  I don't know, though...  All this searching for "love" has made me pretty sick of it.  I sort of just want to go find a random male who's just sitting around somewhere and make out with him for a couple of minutes only to walk away without a word, or I just want to walk up and start a conversation out of the blue without any introductions or suggestions of reasoning.  I guess instead of loving people I really just want to learn about them.  I want to study a large number of males and make a big chart.  I could make it into some kind of experiment in which I interview hundreds of males and draw up a phase diagram of their characteristics.  Perhaps upon finding that some characteristics are almost unseen, I would remember why it was that I wanted to be with Mike in the first place.

  Maybe he is right.  Maybe we were destined to be together.  But you know...if we were, then why the hell am I feeling so completely uninterested in being around him?  That's the ultimate question I've been asking myself.  Do I even care about Jason in the least or is he just the quickest way to completely alienate Mike?  Is Jason just an excuse to break up with Mike?  I find it really irritating that I have to try and analyse myself when I'm the only one that can hear MY GODDAMN THOUGHTS!!!!  *angsty sigh*  I'm sure this business will be over in a couple of months, six at most, and then I can get on with my life.  Like I said, I'm sure when I'm like 30ish I'll look back on these sad little entries about pointless shit and laugh at how silly I was.

  Just so no one thinks I'm actually all that sad, everything but my relationships is going great.  Good job, healthy family (except for my crazy grandma), good outlook on the future, new car, new apartment, plenty of good times with friends, enjoyable goals, fun hobbies, I've pretty much got it all right now.  The only thing I'm missing is that special someone, so really I'm doing awesome.  I swearz!  Don't let my angsty stupid confusion over my own feelings about love and reproduction get you confused.

  By the way, if you were wondering why I didn't mention stalking any girls, it's because I don't want to jinx it.  ;D

  • 1:10 am
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