June 13, 2007

• Scrubs

  I know it really shouldn't be that inspiring, since it is just a stupid
  television show, but Scrubs makes me think.  Maybe it's because
  the plots always involve like two or three different relationships.

  Why is it that I'm suddenly so singular?  Why is it that I just
  don't seem to have that much in common with any of the people I used
  to?  Is it growing "up" or is it simply growing in some kind of
  sideways fashion?  My interests seem to be so radically different.

  My main worry is sex.  Now, I still stare blatantly at all Asian
  girls.  I still look at porn.  I still watch hentai. 
  Also, I started checking out every half decent male that crosses my
  path.  However, the fact that I can get sex at any moment that I
  want just by
  suggesting that it should happen just doesn't make me happy
  anymore.  I don't get turned on by thinking about it.  I
  tried taking some sexy pictures of him with a skirt on and my little
  pink see-through tank top on...but I really just had to force myself to
  be turned on at all.  I've heard birth control can do it to you,
  but again, I can't just blame everything on some stupid
  medication.  I think the problem really just lies with the fact
  that I'm not in love with him anymore.  I don't feel the same way
  when he touches me, talks to me, looks at me, anything.  I just
  want him to leave me alone most of the time.  He's like a really
  heavy bag that I have to carry around everywhere, but that I can't put
  down because it has something important in it that I haven't been able
  to find in a while.

  Another worry of mine is that all my friends seem to be warping into
  things that I don't enjoy.  I don't have any strictly nerd
  friends.  All of them have some kind of strange quirk, and not the
  fun goofy kind.  I'm sick of not having anyone who I can just talk
  to without feeling...awkward because they are so different from me...or
  because they are radically less intelligent than me, and I don't mean
  that I'm incredibly intelligent.  I'm just saying that sometimes I
  wonder what the hell people are thinking when they say or do things.

  Anyway, yeah, I've really just noticed a drop off of enjoyment during
  pretty much all activities.  Actually...I take that back.  I
  had a great time at Monique's the other night.  Her roommate Max
  straightened my hair and then all three of us chatted and watched the
  Dark Crystal.  I didn't feel awkward or stupid or annoyed will
  talking to her and Max.  We talked about old movies, television
  shows, video games and silly people we know.  It was so
  nice.  I miss that feeling.  If they weren't going down to
  the Lake of the Ozarks tomorrow then I would definitely request another
  evening of enjoyment.

  That brings up another problem.  I want to hang out with other
  people more than him, a lot more than him.  Heck, right now he's
  sitting around watching television and rather than be subject to his
  presence I am posting on this stupid website.  I find that
  unfortunate.  Monique invited me to go down to the Lake, and if I
  didn't have both work and class, I would have absolutely accepted and
  not invited him.  I'm really glad this weekend is a float trip
  with my friends from high school to which him will not be going. 
  It should be great...at least...if I can still actually hold a
  conversation with my high school friends.

  Why does everyone think drinking is soooo goddamn cool?  In fact,
  what the hell makes everyone want to start smoking??  I'm about
  tired of seeing old friends with cigs in their faces and beers in their
  hands as they stagger about or in their facebook pictures.  Is
  your life that crappy that you have to drink enough to forget most of
  it?!  Really!?!  Or, is your life so crappy that you want to
  drastically shorten it by sucking hot, tar filled smoke into your
  lungs?!  Must be, because that's what you're doing, ya little
  bitches.  I have no respect and no sympathy for you as you cough
  and whine about your hangovers.  Shut the hell up and take the
  pain that you've brought on yourself like a man (or woman,
  respectively).  Do you think I come around your place whining
  about how bad my relationship with my boyfriend is and about how much
  pain it's causing me?  NO!  I just spill it on here where
  people can choose to read it or completely ignore it.  I keep the
  pain I bring myself TO MYSELF!!

  Now, if you have a problem that you can't control or you are willing to
  take someone's advice when it is given, then tell me about it. 
  I'd love to help!  Helping makes me happy!  However, if you
  don't want my advice or you don't want to hear the TRUTH, then don't
  tell me!  I tell the truth!  It's kind of my thing.  So,
  if you don't want to hear that you are stupid for smoking, then don't
  whine about your cough.  Am I completely rude or is that fair?

  Yeah.  I'm done ranting.  Sorry if you read all that hoping for some kind of better resolution to all of it.

  • 12:17 am
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