Is there a girl out there that fits the incredible amount of requirements I have for one?  I don't think so.  If there was, she would be so amazing that I am sure someone else would have already snapped her up.

The list (comment if she sounds perfect):

1)  She loves me for who I am and how I look.

2)  She enjoys at least one of the following:  DDR, World of Warcraft, L5R, Warmachine, or is inclined toward things of that nature or is open to new things.

3)  She isn't religious or if she is it's just a minor part of her life.

4)  She isn't very interested in politics or if she is it's just a minor part of her life.

5)  She enjoys being fit and staying fit.

6)  She is intelligent.

7)  She has the same kind of sense of humor as I and my male do.

8)  She doesn't mind cleaning things on a rotating schedule and won't complain if she has to cook sometimes.

9)  She doesn't refer to herself as a "princess" or a "goddess" and doesn't wear pants that say it across her butt.

10)  She is average or underweight for her height.

11)  She has under 20 pairs of shoes.

12)  She doesn't like country music.

13)  She doesn't remember my birthday or our anniversary and doesn't care if I don't remember either.

14)  She loves hentai and is a submissive person.

God, I'll never find her because she doesn't exist.

My male and I had more amazing sex last night.  At one point he pulled me onto my side while he was still inside me and his torso looked so amazing from that angle and it felt so good.  He's so attractive and I just can't even imagine anyone else looking as good as he does naked.  He's perfectly sculpted as if he were created specifically for my exact likes and dislikes.  God, I love him.  I love him more than anything in this world.

We made fun of Ryan last night.  I think he has the narcissistic personality disorder for sure.  Don't think he's quite histrionic, but he's close.  I love talking to my male about things like that, personality disorders that is.  I'm always intrigued by disorders of the mind and psychological counseling because I almost majored in it.  He and I think so much alike and therefore I love talking to him because there are never those awkward moments when I feel alienated by the conversation.

I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again.  I guess that's the neat thing about resolving relationship problems.  I'm wearing the engagement ring he bought me after I proposed to him.  He really didn't have to.  I bought him a ring on a silver necklace so that he could wear it without anyone calling him a fruit, so my ring really wasn't necessary, but he bought it all the same.  It's a lab grown opal, my absolute favorite (I like them more than the real ones because the colors are more vibrant) and I haven't been wearing it because I almost lost it down the sink at a gas station.  Today I just really felt like it, though.  When he saw I had mine on he got his little necklace and slipped it over his head and into his shirt.  He does this cute little thing where he pats his chest right where the necklace is, like he's making sure it's there and it's real.  I love it and I jumped at him and squeezed him, wrapping my arms around him underneath his coat.

I think I'll buy him a present today.

I found this in an old post and decided that it required reposting because I find myself interesting.  Long ago I was asked to list my six top turn-ons.  I will no update them and amuse myself with how they have changed.

1.  Outward attractiveness: 
This may seem like a silly number one as it is very shallow, but if we
go in chronological order rather than biggest turn on order, this one
is the most important.  You must be attractive to me before I persue a
conversation with you.  For males, this means you must:  be skinny, be
pale, not have red hair, have broad shoulders and a tiny waste, be hairless on the portion of your body visible in public at least, and have an interesting face.  For females, this means you must:  be skinny, have sizable breasts, not
be fake-baked, have black or brown hair, and either be Asian or have an
Asianish or interesting face.  Meeting these requirements means that I
am probably starring at you and thinking about talking to you,
especially if you are sitting all alone in a place like Panera Bread.

2.  Nerdiness: 
The instant I start talking to someone and they bring up something
nerdy that I remember from my childhood or from fun times past is the
instant I am turned on by them.  If they pass the first test, which
they should if I am talking to them, finding out that they also love
[insert nerdy topic here] often makes me wet.  I can't help it.  Also,
outwardly admiting after a short conversation that you do indeed have a
huge porn stash on your computer, especially if you are female, drives
me crazy.  If hentai comes up as one of your interests you might as
well take me back to your place because you just passed the make-out
test.

3.  Naked and still attractive: 
If you pass the first two turn on tests, this test is sure to come
soon.  For males, if they are indeed completely hairless on their chest
and back and have at least resonably sized penises, I find them
attractive while naked.  For females, as long as they don't for some
reason look horrible naked I'm fine. 
Seeing someone naked up close for the first time always makes me
insanely wet and subsequent naked times are just as big of turn ons.

4.  Matching fetishes: 
I love it when someone has the same sexual fetishes as me or at least
ones that compliment mine.  For example, I love to dominate.  I need
someone who is very permissive and who likes to be treated like a slave
during sex.  I also like penetration.  I need males to allow me to use
toys to penetrate them from behind.  When I find out my fetishes are
shared by another person, especially if we are just talking about it I
get incredibly turned on.  If I find out during sex, I've been known to
cum without any actual touching of my vagina when I start penetrating
someone or putting someone in bondage.

5.  Unattainable sexual fantasies: 
For some reason I love to think about things I can't have.  It can
really get me going.  A prime example is the show House.  I would have
sex with Dr. House in a moment.  However, he is a fake character and I
can't.  Because of this, thinking about it is an insanely amazing turn
on.

6.  Sudden twists of fate: 
I don't think anything on this entire earth turns me on more than a
sudden twist of fate in a sexual sense.  Say I'm chatting with a new
friend at a coffee shop.  He/she suggests we go do something fun at
his/her apartment.  I agree.  When we get there, we play some video
games and all that, but suddenly start making out.  An unexpected twist
of fate like that probably gets me wetter even than fetishes.  I've
been known to cum without touching if someone suddenly holds me close
and kisses me when I wasn't expecting it.

There, that's the
list.  The last two aren't related to the first four.  These are the
main things that turn me on.  There are other things, but these are the
most effective things.

Nope, no change at all.  I suppose things like this don't become different as one ages.

I brought my iPod to class today.  First time ever.  I suppose I've joined the ranks of foolish children enrobed in a society that can't live without exactly 26 grams of electrical circuits on their person at all times.  It's nice though, especially in the strange quiet of the engineering library.  No one else can hear SOAD shouting at the top of their lungs or Simon and Garfunkel gently telling me secret things.

Jason has finally become a ghost without a purpose to me.  I never see him, I no longer wish and pray that his name pops up on my phone and when I see him on AIM I feel nothing.  It's nice.  His new name shall be ______ as it will never be mentioned again.

I shared the eternal wonder that is Powerthirst and Powerthirst 2: Redomination with Ryan last night.  I am pleased that I could add another Powerthirst zombie to the ranks of the infected.  He will now shout quotes from the video back at me in public and that pleases me to no end.  Anyone that I commonly interact with must do so.

In case you are wondering:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-3qncy5Qfk
these are the links.  Only watch if you find humor in the completely random.

My male and I had some amazing sex last night.  For the first time in what seems like forever (but is actually about a year) I was not plagued with thoughts of ______ and I actually got aroused properly.  I tied him up with his own shirt and then abused him as I saw fit.  It was good.

Class time.  I must go now.

I also like that Ryan posted on his blog a few days ago when his last entry was back in November.  I totally talked to him about blogs and he knew I would look.  That kid.

I was thinking today about this girl.  I went to her website again to see
if she posted any more hilarious stuff and I noticed that someone had
posted something terrible in her little chat box.  I thought to myself,
"What will she do when she sees that?"

Let me explain that this girl is the geekiest, most socially awkward, strangest person I've ever seen, and I mean even more awkward than television personalities that are specifically designed to be awkward.  Her website is hilarious because it is all about her favorite fandoms and things and includes a link to both her youtube and deviant art, which are both absolutely entertaining forever.  I feel lucky that I met, in person, this young lady who deserves the Something Awful spotlight shined down on her.

Anyway, as to her reaction, the answer is she will
probably get angry and then completely forget about it and move on. 
She's had so much ridicule in her life that she knows how to deal with
it.  That's no feat of great skill since a majority of people have had
to learn such skills, but what made me really think was that there is
one person she never has to hear insults from.

Herself.

No
matter what you say to her or what you do to her, she's still there,
trying her best to be your friend and impress you.   She thinks
everything she does is really cool and she also thinks you should think
it's cool, too.  This may get slightly annoying (or be completely
hilarious) to people around her, but I bet she never has thoughts like:

"I'm so ugly.  Why am I so fat?  Why do I look like this?  I look like a boy!!"

"All the stuff I like is so dumb and the way I explain to others how much I like something really makes me look like a dweeb."

"I
can't exercise for shit and when I say I'm eating a light snack I eat
like five brownies.  I suck so badly at controlling myself!"

because
everyone already tells her that stuff, and we all know the more someone
tells you to do something or tries to make your decisions for you, the
more you don't want to agree with them or do what they say.

But
still, my main point is that she has no internal parasites (I'm
assuming for the sake of argument) and lives a pretty happy life from
what I can tell.

So here are my questions:

Why can't someone like me who has so much (love,
family, friends, health, a bright future, intelligence, etc.) be more
like Leslie?  Why can't I get rid of all my self hate and be happy? 
Why can't I think positively every day and remember only the good
instead of completely focusing all my energy on the bad?

So there you have it.  That's what I've been thinking about for the past couple of days.

It happened today.  I talked to Jason again on AIM.  I found him completely uninteresting.

The switch flipped!  The switch that's been off for so long is finally back in the right position.  I could explain it best as I just woke up from a long deep sleep and am now ready for breakfast.

I read through my other entries recently and they all sound so stupid (except for the colors thing because I really do that).  I'm whining and complaining about things that don't need to be fixed and that don't matter at all instead of spending time thinking of ways to do better.  Where have I been?  Why has my mind just freed itself today?

I don't know, but I'm going to get back to enjoying it.

Ryan sat two seats behind me today in semiconductors.  After class, he ate a snack with me in the engineering lounge with no request for him to do so.  He showed me his newest ideas, his newest sketches and his newest pocket-sized science toys.  He's such an excentric young man.  I let out where I work and he smiled and said he needed some dice.  I told him I'd be working today and he said he would come in.  He did.  As I watched him wander around the store I realized that the more easily I can have something, the less I want it.

Maybe I don't want Jason to ever talk to me again.  Would it break the spell he has over me?  Would seeing him again actually make him completely uninteresting?  Oh, that would be a shame.  I'm extremely curious.

I took a stupid quiz today on facebook and it reminded me of how terrible my male must have felt.  I cheated on my high school boyfriend with him and then I tried to cheat on him with several other people last year.  The quiz has a question:

Do you believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

I looked at that question and my heart hurt.  Will I always be a cheater?  I mean, my relationship back in high school really wasn't that good...so I can forgive myself for that, but then I "mentally" cheated on my male.  I never did anything, kissed anyone, but I still thought about it...a lot.  He says he's over it and it doesn't bother him because I only thought about it and even though I had plenty (and I mean plenty) of oppurtunities, I never did anything.  I can understand that and it makes me happy that he doesn't hold it against me, but...it makes it hard to really love myself anymore.  Even if no one else remembers or cares about what I did, I still do.  I remember how I broke the heart of the most wonderful, amazing person I have ever met and then ground it into the dirt with my foot.  He's so wonderful, so sweet, so caring, so loyal...and I tried to throw him away.  I can't get over how terrible that is.

I hope after I lose a little more weight I'll feel better about myself, I really do.

I always wonder if entries are about me.  Sometimes I read entries as though they are about me even though I know they aren't.  I insert my name wherever the person's love interest/best friend/favorite pet appears and then read the entry like it's addressed to me and I'm seeing something secret that I shouldn't be seeing.  For some reason it really entertains me.

I love xanga.  I can say whatever I want.  I think sometimes I should just get a paper journal, but there's an allure to posting your hearts deepest secrets in a place where everyone can see, but no one ever looks. 

I like to imagine what Jason would think if he read everything I write about him.  Would he be creeped out beyond reason or would he be thrown deeper into his obsession with me (that I also imagine)?  He's so much more entertaining than any game I've ever played.  I feel like I should write a book about this "character" that I've created for him and call it something pretentious. 

I know what Ryan would say.  He'd say, "You think way too much of me.  Plus, I don't date overbearing dominating females anymore.  It's nothing against you in particular.  So really, you should stop idolizing me."  Then he would run his fingers through his hair and get back to whatever else he does on the internet, which would be everything.  I haven't checked his blog in a while.  I'm sure he's posted like 12 other terribly pompous fictional works that he thinks are amazing...and are amazing.  I'll have to take a look-see and post some rude sexual comments about them since he has anonymous posting.  That dork, what an enabler.

Monique, on the other hand is a complete mystery.  I think she realizes in her incredible ability to understand human emotion that I of course admire here wonderfully large booty and her cute little breasts.  She must realize that I love her face and her hair and her dark deep eyes.  She must know that I hang on every word she says to me.  I know she knows.  She has to.  But if I said it out loud to her, what would she respond with?  I like to think she would skip over to me and kiss me on the cheek, raising on of her feet in the air like in girlie romance movies, but would she?  She'd probably just pass it off as a compliment and move on from there like nothing was ever said.

Also, if you read this, we should hang out some time on campus unless it would be too much of a strain not to reach out and touch me.  I know it's tough for me, but I feel so unjustly robbed (by myself) of time with you.  You didn't come talk to me barely at all on Thursday.  It made me feel awkward because I know you now know everything I ever think.  Keep that in mind.

Class time and I still haven't eaten anything.  Damn it.

And now New Jersey and Kentucky!!  You damn kids are driving me insane!