January 20, 2008
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Jason logged onto WoW tonight and I suggested that we ask him to run us through a dungeon, secretly hoping he would talk to us about his life. I'm so curious about him. It's kind of like someone quit smoking cold turkey and then people kept wandering by her shaking cigarettes in her face. Just about the time I was going to ask him he logged off, like he knew what was about to happen and wanted to avoid it. Such a strange feeling, it's really hard to describe.
I think I need to find something new to do during sex to spice it up. I like dressing him up like a girl and I think tying him up would be great. I need to buy him some kitty ears.
I haven't seen Jason in so long that it's hard to remember what he looks like, so I have trouble fantasizing about him nowadays. I haven't had a dream about him in a really long time. I miss those dreams, especially the ones where he raped my male over and over as he tried to push away and whimpered quietly, finally succumbing to the pleasure and letting Jason go even deeper. *sigh* Those were the days.
Perhaps they would come back if I could get but a glimpse of Jason, just a momentary glance would be nice. I often hope that he will be walking down the street as I'm driving to work and he catches me in the corner of his eye and looks my way just in time for me to zoom off, leaving him wondering if it was really me. I like to pretend that he pines away for my male and I, wishing he could go back and do things differently just like I do. I like to pretend that he thinks about me every day, wishing that I was his and he was mine. Oh that bastard, I want to ravage him and then video tape him ravaging my male. Unfortunately, he will never be walking by, being that he is in Michigan and I am not.
God, I talk about him like he's an actor and I'm a fangirl. Well, maybe I am. I'm Jason's fangirl and knowing that I will never have him or see him in person makes him all the more enjoyable to think about.
Still, my male is sitting in his computer chair and not a moment ago I wandered over and got behind him after looking at loads of yaoi and slowly started kissing his neck even though we had sex just a half an hour ago. He made this delicate, submissive noise that he hadn't made in, oh, I don't know...months and I realized again why I went back to him after it was all over. He lets me treat him like a slave and I like that, I like it a lot. I know other guys would probably let me, too, even more than I think would, but why go searching. I have the most beautiful male I've ever seen right here in my apartment. I'm only obsessed with Jason because he's a challenge, not because I actually care about him in any real capacity. The only person I care about, I mean really care about is my male.
No one else has ever proven themselves worthy of true care and love, no one but the tiny delicate flower full of stalwart loyalty that is my male.
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