January 23, 2008

• Why is Ryan in one of my classes?  He sits in the back so I can't stare at him without him noticing.  I thought he was a senior.  Why is he in a class with me?

  I feel kinetically drawn to some people, like I need to talk to them because they have important, life-changing information.  That's how I feel about him as well as Jason and Monique.  There's something important there.  I have to figure it out.

  It's a really strange feeling, like a compulsion to dig at their deepest secrets, a compulsion to learn as much about them as possible without being inside their minds.  It makes my heart feel tight and my palms sweaty.  I want to be alone with them somewhere secret where no one else could find us and understand what drives them to love, what motivates them to continue existing.

  I've assigned them each a color in my mind.  I don't know why.

  Jason = Green
  Monique = Magenta
  Ryan = Tan

  Do you ever do that, collect a group of things up in your mind and assign them arbitrary identification through colors or numbers?

  Thermodynamics = Frightening = 01
  Semiconductors = Easy = 14
  Chemical Process Laboratory = Strange = 36
  Principles of Chemical Engineering II = Unknown = ??

  I collected up what's left of my originally infinite courage and self confidence and typed "Bwah!" to Jason while he was on AIM last night.  I was proud of myself.  He responded and talked for a few moments before declaring that it was almost 1 AM and he had class in the morning.  I was left wondering if I had chased him away or if he actually needed to sleep.  My male (= White) told me not to look too far into it and if he really didn't want to talk to me he would have left me blocked.  I agreed but was not satisfied until this morning at 9:36 AM when I sat down at my computer and Jason's name appeared next to a bright yellow online indicator.  So he hadn't blocked me and did have to be up early.  I worry too much.  I reiterate that I am proud of myself for actually talking to him and then talking about talking to him with my male.

  I also talked to Nathan (= Blue) about talking to Jason after he talked about talking to Christina (= Lavender).  Nathan and I share a connection when it comes to crappy relationships because we both went through almost exactly the same situation at exactly the same time.  We console each other.  I trust Nathan.  Christina treated him like dirt and then blamed it on me talking to her about my situation with my male and Jason.  She's a sweet girl, just not when it comes to anything important.  I no longer share with her my secrets.  I do not trust Christina.

  Nathan trusts Andrew (= Orange) so by proxy Andrew will hear my tales and this is fine because I also trust Andrew.

  I need to quit worrying about my friends thinking my relationship with my male is a poor one.  I'm just projecting my own worry into them, I'm sure.  I don't worry about Paul (= Brown) and Monique's relationship, so why would they worry about mine or even think about it?  I have so many friends and none of them avoid me or tell me I'm an idiot.  Instead they all want to hang out and have fun with both me and my male.  I worry so much about things I have no control over.  At least I realize it, I guess.

  I need to get to my next (and last) class for the day.  Then I'm going to the gym and I'm not leaving until I'm completely exhausted.  I want to feel beautiful again.  My male confided in me, saying he felt like his skin fit wrong and that he was completely out of shape.  He is coming with me.  We are meeting Paul and Monique.  I like when Monique works out because she doesn't wear a bra, just a shirt with a built in bra so you can see her nipples when they stiffen.  I think if both I and my male get back into shape, we will both feel better and we will both be more interested in sexytime, and that will be good in all respects.

  I'm off!

  • 2:32 pm
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