January 25, 2008

• Ryan sat two seats behind me today in semiconductors.  After class, he ate a snack with me in the engineering lounge with no request for him to do so.  He showed me his newest ideas, his newest sketches and his newest pocket-sized science toys.  He's such an excentric young man.  I let out where I work and he smiled and said he needed some dice.  I told him I'd be working today and he said he would come in.  He did.  As I watched him wander around the store I realized that the more easily I can have something, the less I want it.

  Maybe I don't want Jason to ever talk to me again.  Would it break the spell he has over me?  Would seeing him again actually make him completely uninteresting?  Oh, that would be a shame.  I'm extremely curious.

  I took a stupid quiz today on facebook and it reminded me of how terrible my male must have felt.  I cheated on my high school boyfriend with him and then I tried to cheat on him with several other people last year.  The quiz has a question:

  Do you believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

  I looked at that question and my heart hurt.  Will I always be a cheater?  I mean, my relationship back in high school really wasn't that good...so I can forgive myself for that, but then I "mentally" cheated on my male.  I never did anything, kissed anyone, but I still thought about it...a lot.  He says he's over it and it doesn't bother him because I only thought about it and even though I had plenty (and I mean plenty) of oppurtunities, I never did anything.  I can understand that and it makes me happy that he doesn't hold it against me, but...it makes it hard to really love myself anymore.  Even if no one else remembers or cares about what I did, I still do.  I remember how I broke the heart of the most wonderful, amazing person I have ever met and then ground it into the dirt with my foot.  He's so wonderful, so sweet, so caring, so loyal...and I tried to throw him away.  I can't get over how terrible that is.

  I hope after I lose a little more weight I'll feel better about myself, I really do.

  • 7:02 pm
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