It sort of annoys me when people flip out for no reason.

For example, I left a friendly comment and was repaid with a very rude reply that was completely uncalled for.  I'm not sure how exactly I'm a "lurker" when I got to someone's blog through a group that they joined of their own free will.  I'm sure they knew it displayed them in a public list for people to browse, so I'm confused by the accusation.  Then again, I'm not even sure if one can be a lurker if one is not browsing without commenting.  Isn't that the definition of lurking?  I commented, therefore I am not lurking.

Caloric Intake 2/29/08:  1900ish, but it's not so bad because I did 100 push-ups, 200 sit-ups and played DDR today.

Today has been the most amazing day of my life.

I woke up this morning and I could smell the temperature.  I could feel spring coming as I walked across our carpet in the living room.  I couldn't help but smile even though I hate alarm clocks and the morning.  I just felt happy. 

I can't wait until I tell her we are both wearing suits and that they will be terribly gaudy and clash horribly.

On my way to class I wanted to walk more slowly.  I didn't care if I was late, I wanted to be where I was after each step for a little longer.  I wanted to examine that passerby in more detail.  I wanted to investigate that tree more closely.  I wanted to sniff this stretch of air a little longer.  I love the smell of a day in the 40's.

My first class got out half an hour early.  I couldn't believe my luck, half an hour more to wander around outside before my next class.  I decided (since I then had an hour and a half to do whatever I wanted) that I would have breakfast at Panera.  It was amazing and I ate very slowly, taking in the music, the conversations around me, the children running, the women eating nothing but bagels and drinking coffee, the men talking about business and how their wives where bugging them to purchase new minivans.  Where was this place, this place I hadn't been to in so long?  The mind certainly doesn't come with maps.

After Panera I decided to wander further downtown and stumbled upon a used clothing store.  I meandered through the entire store and found some amazing scarves that I could use as waist adornments, but I didn't purchase them because I need to save money for my fake glasses.  Then I noticed some custom made hoodies and asked the lady behind the counter who had made them.  She indicated herself.  I showed her my ratty sleeve and the hole in my shoulder.  She nodded and said she could patch it.  I told her I would be back.

I moved on to a used game store and found nothing interesting but a name divider in the CD section with "William Shatner" on it.  I wondered if it was just a joke indicating alphabetical placement or if ol' Bill actually amused himself by producing some kind of what I would assume would be terrible music.  It made me laugh.

I left the store and walked back to class, thinking the entire way about how wonderful my life is.  I can't believe anyone could be as lucky as me.  I can't believe I'm this lucky.  I can't believe this isn't a dream.  How was I chosen to have this perfect life?  I must have done something really grand in a past life to deserve this.

He and I will spend the evening together.  I want to relive freshman year.  We're going to play DDR and then return to our apartment and take a shower together.  Then we'll play World of Warcraft and when it gets dark we'll go walking around campus just talking about nothing.  I'm sure that will be followed by me wanting to ravage him which will undoubtedly occur.

I've always believed in coincidence and even worshiped it as a kind of higher power.  I often leave decisions up to feelings and inclinations rather than logic and reason.  I've found it to be completely wonderful.  When choosing a college, I decided on Mizzou strictly for it's campus.  When I came to visit I just felt "right" here.  When I was deciding where to live, I chose my dorm on name alone, just because it sounded friendly and happy.  If I hadn't followed my emotions over my reasoning skills, I never would have met him.  Perhaps logic is overrated when in regards to matters of happiness.

He's perfect.  He's my "soul mate" if you believe in such things.  He's my male, the only one I would ever have (especially since I would say I lean more toward women as a bisexual).  I play games with Ryan and Jason and others to amuse myself, but really they are mere blips on the radar compared to him.  I would go so far as to say he is the only thing on the planet that truly matters to me.

Speaking of women, I play games with boys and toy with them because I've never met a woman I would want to attach myself to.  I barely even have female friends.  Females are so unpredictable and they...they frighten me.  I'm not a shy person.  I think that is evident from my previous posts.  However, when it comes to an attractive lady who is interested in [insert nerdy topic here] I get all nervous and my palms sweat and I stutter.  I think that's why my soul mate is a male rather than a female.  There's something about them, so beautiful, so mysterious, that frightens the hell out of me.  I've seen what I can do to boys, think what horrible mind games other females could pull on me.  I don't want my will to live sucked from me by a false sense of love and security.  I'm too gullible for a lesbian relationship.  I'd be a doormat.

Still, I hold out the hope that there is one out there for us.  She's waiting for us to find her.  She wants to come and live with us and be our girlfriend.  She wants to love us both so deeply that she could never cheat or lead us astray.  She wants us to love her, too, with all our hearts.  I know she's out there, waiting for us under a pair of dorky glasses and an ugly outfit, sitting all alone on a bus or in a dorm room or in a library.  I just have to keep following my heart, my emotions, my feelings and I'll find her. 

Her eyes will light up and she will smile sweetly.  I'll ask her to take a walk with me and then I'll never need anything ever again.

Random side note:  I find myself amusing.  Ryan didn't respond to me on AIM.  Maybe I went too far?

Here's the comment I left him:

I love how I’m completely enthralled by you regardless of how completely boring you are. I want your jacket.

I also love how I don’t have to say who it is because you already
know and I can use the random article button on wikipedia to decide on
a name.

I should make a game called “Ryan: The Pointless Chase” and I’m sure
other constantly bored, overly egotistical young women in engineering
like me would play it in an effort to inject some uncertainty into
their completely predictable lives.

I had a dream yesterday night that I woke up next to you in a hotel
bed with a hangover. You were all tied up and covered chocolate sauce,
but sleeping peacefully. That’s when I knew it was a dream. I hate
chocolate sauce.

I giggle at it even now.  By the way, Sarah Abitbol was the first random article.  *shrugs*

Caloric Intake 2/28/08:  1200ish...but not a good 1200ish.  I ate 9 Girl Scout cookies and some nachos covered in ground beef and cheese.

I'm so hopeful for this weekend.  I have nothing to do but enjoy life.  A 12 hour semester is just what I needed after wasting a year of life on sadness and tragedy and mistakes.

I've got nothing but hope for the future now.  I'm walking down the right path again.  I can feel it.  I feel like I'm sailing effortlessly down a flower rimmed gravel road in a beautiful maroon 1977 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser with the fake wooden siding with the radio blasting SOAD and some fake glasses on so I look classy.

I'm going to get some fake glasses.  I have no eye trouble, but for $30 plus the cost of the frames I can get some really nice glasses with essentially glass for lenses.  I think it would make me look so fabulous and trick people into thinking that I'm an art major even more than my attire already does.

I'm getting very tired of feminists.  Your job is done.  We can vote.  We can get jobs and get paid so close to as much as a man that it doesn't even matter anymore.  We can do whatever we want.  Just shut up.  Now you're just pissing people off.

I woke up this morning from the most enjoyable dream.

The feeling is still hanging with me.

He had long hair and seemed the type to paint and write.  Suddenly he was in my arms and we were kissing so softly.  He told me he liked the taste of my lip gloss.  I told him I wasn't wearing any.

Jason leaned over the counter and asked why I'd been running at the library.  I looked him right in the eyes, bewildered.  One doesn't run in a library.  I leaned over toward him and kissed him on the cheek and he smiled and told me he liked the smell of my lip gloss.  I told him I wasn't wearing any.

He came to see me and brought something I had left behind in the library.  I ran around the counter and hugged him and he had my lip gloss.

I swear I wasn't wearing any.

I don't know who He was.  It was a young man my mind conjured up for me to love and feel loved by.  It worries me that this dream is a manifestation of my lack of satisfaction with the amount of time my male and I are spending together.  I have so much "alone" time, like right now at this computer, that I fear I'm starting to live in a dream world where nothing is real anymore.

I fantasize and day dream and wonder and think and smile all day long all alone.  I guess it's not all bad.

Ryan got all uppity with me today so I assume he read the comment I left on his journal.  He's so cute when he's embarrassed to see me.

Have I ever mentioned that my life is utterly amazing?  Well it is.

Caloric Intake 2/27/08:  Uhh...like a million billion.  My parents came to town and took my male and me out for steaks.

I'm going to start my comments with the day's caloric intake if they happen to be in the evening.  Mind you, this is not to sound anorexic or to get a bunch of people up in arms about dieting, but simply so that I can look back and make sure that my dieting is going in a healthy direction rather than a horrible one.

Caloric Intake 2/26/08:  1200ish

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant.  When I woke up I felt horrible about it and thought about how terrible and life changing it would be to have a child on the way right now.  Then I stopped for a second and contemplated.

I've been taking birth control pills for the last...oh...like three years consistently without missing a pill by more than a couple hours ever.  If I were to be pregnant, that would mean I am one out of a hundred women that situation happens to.  Since I believe strongly in the mechanizations of the universe at large and that everything happens for a reason, that child in my eyes would be someone who was absolutely meant to exist.  How could I spit in the face of such coincidence?

So really, being pregnant, while a large inconvenience, wouldn't really be that bad.

I wore the most amazing socks today and everyone could see them because I wore shorts even though it was really cold.  And I wonder why I have the flu.  =T.T=

Rawrgh!!  I find it so insanely frustrating when people don't simply allow their footprints to settle gently into my journal.  Why must you leave me only with the state you hail from, or worse yet only a tick on the counter as you disappear like thin smoke in a quick breeze?  Can't I see you, too?  Can't we share our silly, frivolous, pointless lives over a completely cold and unfeeling medium?  I suppose I shouldn't complain.  You're probably all little 15-year-olds hunting for porn and I wouldn't want your inane little comments anyway.  *narrows eyes*  You little bitches...

I took about a billion pictures of myself a few days ago.  This one is my favorite:

I like to dress up for work.  The fact that each male human being who sees me behind the counter talking about Warmachine or D&D thinks he's found the perfect female amuses me, especially since I am taken and will never cease to be so.  I love the way even the most courageous young man will look down before he looks me in the eye or even before he can bring himself to let his eyes linger for a second over my breasts.  I feel so powerful, like a great, winged succubus surveying her territory and subjugating her prey.

My mother always said three things about me:
1) You have the mane of a lion.
2) You have the tongue of a serpent.
3) You have the heart of a kitten.

I think she meant with the first one that I am outwardly prideful and can easily dominate any room I walk into or any conversation I join.  I find no folly in saying what I think and it is hard to embarrass me.

Perhaps the second refers to my ability to make anything cut like a knife.  Often with a simple three or four word statement I can crush the hopes and dreams of almost anyone after knowing them for only a short time.  I say what I want, when I want and however I want, regardless of the pain others may feel.

The third I know suggests that deep down I don't mean any of it.  It's all a show that I put on to fool everyone...and myself...into thinking that I'm not to be messed with.  If you've ever seen a tiny kitten try to hiss and growl to scare you off, you'll know exactly what I mean.

I went shopping with my mother (a woman who buys her bras at K-Mart) and my grandmother (one of the most paranoid, hard to deal with humans on the planet) and I found it actually rather amazing.  My grandmother had promised me a shopping trip for my birthday, but at the time I didn't need anything.  I don't shop to be aloof and free, I shop when all my underwear have holes in them and I just can't bare to wear them anymore.  This particular trip (being almost 4 months after my birthday, mind you) I needed socks and lots of them.  I also wanted to snag a wonderfully long jacket to cover my hips during next winter while they are all still on sale.  My grandmother gave me $90 and then insisted that I buy more than just socks and a jacket.  Then the strangest thing happened.  My mother chimed in and told me to buy whatever I wanted, especially if it was a good deal.  It caught me so off guard.  My mother, suggesting I buy more clothing?  As the day wore on I overheard my grandmother say, "...and you say she gets her clothing from the Goodwill?  We must make sure the little darling gets some nice things."  I realized my mother was worried about me.  I guess I have been a bit strapped for cash lately, but I certainly didn't think it was noticeable, and anyway it's my fault for playing miniature games (expensive!).  At the very end of the day when I had picked the perfect coat and was about to leave the mall, my mother grabs a professional jacket from a rack nearby and asks me to try it on.  By this point I had spent all the money on socks and things and had no money for this marvelously professional jacket, but my mother insisted.  I tried it on and she said it looks so nice on me that I had to find some bottoms for it (from a woman who has never in the history of my life wanted to stay longer in a mall).  We did and I tried them on and the whole outfit looked wonderful.  She bought it for me with the excuse that I would soon be interviewing for internships (true) and that I would need more clothing for said interviews (false).

It makes me think that perhaps I worry my mother too much.

I left a really awkward post on Ryan's personal (not like a xanga or a livejournal, but an actual domain) blog.  I wonder if he will delete it or if he will respond.  I love the game I play with him.  Much like a game of cat and mouse, only the cat has no interest in ever eating the mouse and just wants to bat him around for a while.

Someone in Arizona must be searching for ______ like me.  That bastard was on AIM last night and I didn't even care.  I didn't even bat an eye and I didn't even click on his name.  He doesn't exist to me.

...but then I still wonder where he is.  Thoughts of him still slip into my mind.  Those buttons dangling unfastened and those piercing eyes.  I can't forget them.  I can't forget him.

I remember that phrase and I play it over and over again in my head, trying to reproduce his accent and the feeling it left in my heart.

I remember the day I lost everything in a few minutes.

I remember everything.

We try so hard to forget the things that bring us pain, but we can't, not until we learn to deal with them.  Am I so weak that I can't work through this, my ultimate folly?

JASON!!  WHERE ARE YOU?!  CALL OUT TO ME!!  CALL OUT TO ME LIKE I CALL TO YOU!!!

I want to hear your voice, Jason.  I don't want to hate you.  I don't want to blot your name out of my memory.  I miss your friendship, I miss your stories and I miss you commiserating with me.  I miss the small fraction of your life that was part of my life, too.  I miss being able to picture your face, your body, your soul.  I miss everything I gambled away on that phone call.

You could tell, couldn't you?  You knew what I was thinking.  You knew that the instant I heard you would be waiting there for him that my mind started racing.  You knew my first thought was of taking naked pictures of the two of you.  Why couldn't he let me stay home?  Then you two could have been together again.  The assuredness of my presence wouldn't have scared you away.

Why do I scare you now?  Why won't you be where I am?  Why can't you see me?  I like to think it is because you care for him and me so deeply that you can't allow yourself to come between us.  I like to make you a martyr.  I like to think that you want desperately to hold me and touch me and taste me, but you love him, too, and can't bring yourself to destroy his life like that.

You know he needs me like all humans need air and food.  You know that without me his life is nothingness.  You've seen him without me and you know the horror of it.  Jason, you are too kind and intelligent for my own good.

If only I could say these things to you.  If only you would listen.  But you can't, you won't.  You'd run, as fast as you could.

---------------------------------------------------------

Ryan, I'm drawn to you.  I want to follow you and see where you go each day after class.  What's down that hallway?  Do you find a secret place and hide from everyone while you satisfy yourself with thoughts of me? 

I think about you a lot, but you're never arousing enough for satisfaction.  Still, for some reason I like to turn AIM on while I'm browsing for pictures just so I can talk to you and hope you ask what I'm doing.  I like to imagine that when I tell you, you immediately become aroused and that's why you continue talking to me.  You may act dominate and manly, but I'm sure deep down that were I to tie you up and rape you, you would enjoy it far more than you might expect.

I'm glad you didn't wear a red scarf today.

---------------------------------------------------------

I tied him up and made him wait while I did whatever I wanted.  It was amazing.

Lately I've been getting random feelings, inclinations even, that I must hold him or I will be physically harmed by the lack of his body.

It's amazing.  He's amazing.  Life is amazing.

--------------------------------------------------------

It's good that only strangers read this blog.  It's also good that males are uninterested in searching for secret information.

...

I think I have too many pictures of girls with penises on my computer.

I love the way he knows when I'm searching for pictures.  I love the way he tries to
be as quiet as possible and sneak to the door.  I love the way the
hides when I look right at him.  His waist is so thin and his hips are slightly curvy and his shoulders are so broad.  He always stands at the threshold, too embarrassed to come see what I like, waiting for a hug.  I move slowly towards him and set my hands on his waist and nuzzle his neck with my nose and lips.  I gently move his shirt upwards and lick his tiny, tiny nipples.  Then he runs away, or sometimes he turns around and bends over, pressing his little ass against me.

My favorite are the times when I look at him and he hides against a wall.  I come up behind him and press him harder against the wall while running my fingers extremely lightly along his sides.  Then he runs away again.

It's our way.  It's our foreplay.  He does homework knowing that I will in turn look at hentai.  The tension builds slowly over the night until we are very, very ready.

I need to buy some kind of virus scanning software because Panda sucks.