February 1, 2008
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Today I went back and read all my entries over again. It definitely did not make me happy.
What it did do is make me realize that I'm still me. Even before any of the crap with _____ happened I still worried about my classes and agonized over every test and felt stupid all day. I also didn't like my body and constantly wanted to change it. I haven't changed much in that regard.
What has changed is the most important thing a person can have, the belief in oneself. I've lost it. I don't trust myself anymore and I don't think I can be faithful anymore. I don't respect myself. If I don't respect myself, how can I respect others?
I'll tell you how. Stop.
I have to stop. I'm done talking to Ryan on AIM. I'm done wasting all my time in the evenings posting on this damn thing instead of doing what I should be doing, what I used to do.
Tonight I'm going to do what I should be doing, what will allow me to respect myself again. I'm going to be with my male. I'm going to devote all my attention to him. I'm going to do what used to make me so happy. I'm going to play WoW with him, take him out to dinner, snuggle with him on the couch, make fun of Team Fortress 2 with him while he plays. I'm going to have fun with him. I'm going to start rebuilding the memories. This is my amazing chance to fall in love twice with one person.
I'm almost positive that the second I stop confiding in others before my male that my recovery will be complete. No more of this Ryan crap. No more of this sitting on the computer in the other room leaving him to play video games by himself while I fantasize about random stuff on the internet. I'm done. I'm tired. I miss him so much.
I want to feel like he would write me that note again, that amazing note. I want to be his everything again. I want to more than anything in the world. I want that wonderful feeling of security and pure love back. I need it. I need it now more than ever.
I'm not going to blame anything else anymore. I'm not going to blame my grandfather's death or my terrible lab job. It was me! I did it! I ruined everything! Nothing else did it. Nothing made me. I did it. I wasn't forced to and I can't claim to have been. It was all my fault. Now that I've admitted it, not only on this blog, but deep down inside I can start letting go. There is no excuse for what I did, and there is no excuse for not recovering.
I love you.
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