February 15, 2008

• I felt an amazing glimpse of that oh-so-sweet clarity I used to exercise when dealing with all matters academic.  I felt that sudden burst of understanding, that realization that I understand and that no one can take that away from me.  I looked down at the paper and the symbols rearranged for me like they used to, telling me the answer.  The words and phrases changed from questions to answers and I barely had to bat an eye before the test was over.  I smiled sweetly and looked my professor in the eye indicating I had beaten him and not only that, but before anyone else.  I dominantly extended the paper to his outstretched hand with the knowledge that what I had done was good and he knew it, everyone knew it.

  Last semester I had lost that feeling.  Instead of confidently striding into class holding my head up high as pompous thoughts of my own intelligence swirled about in my mind, I permissively huddled in the back of the classroom, sitting in the rain waiting fruitlessly for understanding to come, looking at my watch a million times, and finally going home, stood up by my most coveted possession and drained of all will to live.  I understand why gifted children drop out of college more often on average.  Suddenly, after a life of never having to try to gain understanding of the world around you, everything fades and becomes veiled in a kind of secrecy.  You hit your intellectual "brick wall" and no longer does knowledge simply absorb into your mind like some kind of ion into a highly charged mass.  No longer is everything handed to you on a veritable "silver platter" from your textbooks.  The words seem meaningless and it feels as though your mind has put up some kind of barrier to their entrance into your collective knowledge.  Realizing that you don't automatically know everything can be a horrible thing.

  However, once you readjust yourself to this new reality you have discovered, your mind relaxes.  It essentially turns on the internal cooler and lets your CPU run a bit warm as you overclock yourself.  It slowly retracts the blue screen of death and lets you run in normal rather than safe mode.  What was once a soul crushing, mind destroying thought process is now completely acceptable and, in fact, illuminating.

  In summary, I kind of like my classes this semester.  I sound like such an egotistical ass in this entry.

  Also, I hate getting emotional.  I hate how it blocks out all rational thought.  I hate how it takes me an hour or two of fuming and crying and whimpering to realize that I'm being a complete idiot and nothing I've said over the course of that hour or two had any meaning at all.  Female emotion is so annoying.  If I could take a pill or get some part of my brain removed to negate estrogen's effect on my thought processes I certainly would...unless it involved growing back hair.  I really don't want back hair.

  • 12:34 pm
  • 3 Comments