February 25, 2008

• Someone in Arizona must be searching for ______ like me.  That bastard was on AIM last night and I didn't even care.  I didn't even bat an eye and I didn't even click on his name.  He doesn't exist to me.

  ...but then I still wonder where he is.  Thoughts of him still slip into my mind.  Those buttons dangling unfastened and those piercing eyes.  I can't forget them.  I can't forget him.

  I remember that phrase and I play it over and over again in my head, trying to reproduce his accent and the feeling it left in my heart.

  I remember the day I lost everything in a few minutes.

  I remember everything.

  We try so hard to forget the things that bring us pain, but we can't, not until we learn to deal with them.  Am I so weak that I can't work through this, my ultimate folly?

  JASON!!  WHERE ARE YOU?!  CALL OUT TO ME!!  CALL OUT TO ME LIKE I CALL TO YOU!!!

  I want to hear your voice, Jason.  I don't want to hate you.  I don't want to blot your name out of my memory.  I miss your friendship, I miss your stories and I miss you commiserating with me.  I miss the small fraction of your life that was part of my life, too.  I miss being able to picture your face, your body, your soul.  I miss everything I gambled away on that phone call.

  You could tell, couldn't you?  You knew what I was thinking.  You knew that the instant I heard you would be waiting there for him that my mind started racing.  You knew my first thought was of taking naked pictures of the two of you.  Why couldn't he let me stay home?  Then you two could have been together again.  The assuredness of my presence wouldn't have scared you away.

  Why do I scare you now?  Why won't you be where I am?  Why can't you see me?  I like to think it is because you care for him and me so deeply that you can't allow yourself to come between us.  I like to make you a martyr.  I like to think that you want desperately to hold me and touch me and taste me, but you love him, too, and can't bring yourself to destroy his life like that.

  You know he needs me like all humans need air and food.  You know that without me his life is nothingness.  You've seen him without me and you know the horror of it.  Jason, you are too kind and intelligent for my own good.

  If only I could say these things to you.  If only you would listen.  But you can't, you won't.  You'd run, as fast as you could.

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  Ryan, I'm drawn to you.  I want to follow you and see where you go each day after class.  What's down that hallway?  Do you find a secret place and hide from everyone while you satisfy yourself with thoughts of me? 

  I think about you a lot, but you're never arousing enough for satisfaction.  Still, for some reason I like to turn AIM on while I'm browsing for pictures just so I can talk to you and hope you ask what I'm doing.  I like to imagine that when I tell you, you immediately become aroused and that's why you continue talking to me.  You may act dominate and manly, but I'm sure deep down that were I to tie you up and rape you, you would enjoy it far more than you might expect.

  I'm glad you didn't wear a red scarf today.

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  I tied him up and made him wait while I did whatever I wanted.  It was amazing.

  Lately I've been getting random feelings, inclinations even, that I must hold him or I will be physically harmed by the lack of his body.

  It's amazing.  He's amazing.  Life is amazing.

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  It's good that only strangers read this blog.  It's also good that males are uninterested in searching for secret information.

  • 2:44 pm
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