February 29, 2008

• Today has been the most amazing day of my life.

  I woke up this morning and I could smell the temperature.  I could feel spring coming as I walked across our carpet in the living room.  I couldn't help but smile even though I hate alarm clocks and the morning.  I just felt happy. 

  I can't wait until I tell her we are both wearing suits and that they will be terribly gaudy and clash horribly.

  On my way to class I wanted to walk more slowly.  I didn't care if I was late, I wanted to be where I was after each step for a little longer.  I wanted to examine that passerby in more detail.  I wanted to investigate that tree more closely.  I wanted to sniff this stretch of air a little longer.  I love the smell of a day in the 40's.

  My first class got out half an hour early.  I couldn't believe my luck, half an hour more to wander around outside before my next class.  I decided (since I then had an hour and a half to do whatever I wanted) that I would have breakfast at Panera.  It was amazing and I ate very slowly, taking in the music, the conversations around me, the children running, the women eating nothing but bagels and drinking coffee, the men talking about business and how their wives where bugging them to purchase new minivans.  Where was this place, this place I hadn't been to in so long?  The mind certainly doesn't come with maps.

  After Panera I decided to wander further downtown and stumbled upon a used clothing store.  I meandered through the entire store and found some amazing scarves that I could use as waist adornments, but I didn't purchase them because I need to save money for my fake glasses.  Then I noticed some custom made hoodies and asked the lady behind the counter who had made them.  She indicated herself.  I showed her my ratty sleeve and the hole in my shoulder.  She nodded and said she could patch it.  I told her I would be back.

  I moved on to a used game store and found nothing interesting but a name divider in the CD section with "William Shatner" on it.  I wondered if it was just a joke indicating alphabetical placement or if ol' Bill actually amused himself by producing some kind of what I would assume would be terrible music.  It made me laugh.

  I left the store and walked back to class, thinking the entire way about how wonderful my life is.  I can't believe anyone could be as lucky as me.  I can't believe I'm this lucky.  I can't believe this isn't a dream.  How was I chosen to have this perfect life?  I must have done something really grand in a past life to deserve this.

  He and I will spend the evening together.  I want to relive freshman year.  We're going to play DDR and then return to our apartment and take a shower together.  Then we'll play World of Warcraft and when it gets dark we'll go walking around campus just talking about nothing.  I'm sure that will be followed by me wanting to ravage him which will undoubtedly occur.

  I've always believed in coincidence and even worshiped it as a kind of higher power.  I often leave decisions up to feelings and inclinations rather than logic and reason.  I've found it to be completely wonderful.  When choosing a college, I decided on Mizzou strictly for it's campus.  When I came to visit I just felt "right" here.  When I was deciding where to live, I chose my dorm on name alone, just because it sounded friendly and happy.  If I hadn't followed my emotions over my reasoning skills, I never would have met him.  Perhaps logic is overrated when in regards to matters of happiness.

  He's perfect.  He's my "soul mate" if you believe in such things.  He's my male, the only one I would ever have (especially since I would say I lean more toward women as a bisexual).  I play games with Ryan and Jason and others to amuse myself, but really they are mere blips on the radar compared to him.  I would go so far as to say he is the only thing on the planet that truly matters to me.

  Speaking of women, I play games with boys and toy with them because I've never met a woman I would want to attach myself to.  I barely even have female friends.  Females are so unpredictable and they...they frighten me.  I'm not a shy person.  I think that is evident from my previous posts.  However, when it comes to an attractive lady who is interested in [insert nerdy topic here] I get all nervous and my palms sweat and I stutter.  I think that's why my soul mate is a male rather than a female.  There's something about them, so beautiful, so mysterious, that frightens the hell out of me.  I've seen what I can do to boys, think what horrible mind games other females could pull on me.  I don't want my will to live sucked from me by a false sense of love and security.  I'm too gullible for a lesbian relationship.  I'd be a doormat.

  Still, I hold out the hope that there is one out there for us.  She's waiting for us to find her.  She wants to come and live with us and be our girlfriend.  She wants to love us both so deeply that she could never cheat or lead us astray.  She wants us to love her, too, with all our hearts.  I know she's out there, waiting for us under a pair of dorky glasses and an ugly outfit, sitting all alone on a bus or in a dorm room or in a library.  I just have to keep following my heart, my emotions, my feelings and I'll find her. 

  Her eyes will light up and she will smile sweetly.  I'll ask her to take a walk with me and then I'll never need anything ever again.

  • 2:41 pm
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