I saw the movie Persepolis yesterday night.  I got to thinking that I really don't know anything about anything.

I made an entry on my friends only livejournal about it and went very in depth about how the food I'd eaten before the movie turned my stomach and about how I cried for several hours in the arms of my male after we got home.

The two friends we went with have livejournal.  It wasn't my intention to make them feel bad since it was they who invited us.  I got a call this afternoon asking if I was alright full of profuse apology.  It made me feel so silly.  I had a great time with my friends.  I enjoyed the meal while it was going on and it wasn't until we had left their company that I felt bad at all.

That phone call made me realize what great friends I have.  How many people would call to make sure someone was alright over a silly little entry in her livejournal?

Maybe I shouldn't complain so much about feeling alone.

It's so early.  I'm going to get my picture taken for a calendar in the snow this morning.  It's a sexy elf calendar.

I drank an entire bottle of Vault because Bax (my co-worker's best friend) and Ryan (my co-worker, not the sexy Ryan I used to stalk) drove to three different gas stations before they found it for me and I felt obliged to enjoy every drop because of their efforts.  Consequently, I lay awake tossing and turning for several hours last night.

Unfortunately for me, caffeine has a strange effect on my psyche, especially when I am trying to sleep with it in my system.  It's like it frees my mind from the constraints of reality and lets me think in dreams.  Strange things happen as my mind tries desperately to shut itself down for the evening (should I say morning?) and I get weird inclinations that must be quenched before I can sleep.

At 2:45 AM I began to think of Ryan (the sexy one I used to stalk) and about how I would see him tomorrow in class and about how I would stare at him as much as possible without being noticed, even though I made a blood pact with myself to quit that shit.  At 3:00 AM I began to picture Ryan in that tan jacket of his with a red scarf around his neck...and nothing else on.  This evolved into inventing some kind of ruse on AIM to introduce these thoughts to him.  I ran a couple scenarios through my mind and finally settled on getting up and logging onto AIM to calm my thoughts.

Unfortunately for me, at 3:15 AM when I logged on he was on, too, and he wasn't idle or anything.  I flipped out but refused to talk to him unless he talked to me first.  After waiting around 45 seconds I resolved the matter by saying he wasn't responding and went back to bed, now somehow relating Ryan with cybering on AIM like I used to do back in the days of 1.2 decades of life.  I imagined what I would say to start it off if he agreed:

"You wake up in nothing but your sexy tan jacket and a red scarf.  Your glasses are a bit farther down your nose than you normally enjoy, but upon reaching to reposition them you find that your arms are bound to the wall behind you.  Your legs seem to be immovable as well.  What do you do?"

At about 3:30 AM I again had to get up, resolute that if Ryan did happen to speak to me an away message: "Unless you are in nothing but that sexy jacket and a red scarf staring nonchalantly over your glasses at your computer screen I have nothing to say to you." would greet him.  Then my head flooded with thoughts of my fantasy becoming a reality and the impossibility of me restraining myself in the event that (1) he knew the away message was specifically referenced to him and (2) he came to class the next day wearing a red scarf.  The "red scarf" is essentially the part of my fantasy that isn't real.  Ryan doesn't wear scarves and this is an analogy for me that Ryan doesn't get naked and allow himself to be bound to a wall for Katie.  Were he to be wearing a red (specifically) scarf, the barrier would be torn down and I don't know what would happen.  Would I corner him after class in a secluded part of the engineering building and passionately blow his mind?  I didn't know and I didn't want to find out.  I left AIM alone and didn't change my away message, slowly returning to bed at 3:40 AM.

This morning I woke up and got on my computer.  An AIM window had popped up at 3:43 AM.  Ryan had greeted me with "rawr" as is his normal ritual.  I'm glad I didn't change my away message.

So I was complaining about not getting a roast beef sandwich yesterday, but only an hour and a bit after making that entry, my ultra super study buddy Gilad instructed me to go upstairs (in his Israeli accent) and check out the informational session presented by Garmin.  Guess what they had for free to all visitors!  Little roast beef sandwiches!  And some sort of little cracker assortment!  My life was saved!  I was pleased.

I find myself hoping and searching so often these days.  I find myself dissatisfied by how close I am to other human beings.  I often feel as though I don't know anyone and that no one knows me.  It's certainly not that I don't want to know or that I can't know, it's just that I don't understand the social functionality of becoming a person to be confided in.  I want to connect with people on that super special awesome level.  I want people to tell me their most sacred thoughts, their innermost desires, but there is some kind of barrier in my mind keeping me from opening myself in that way.  I want so desperately not to be the only one of my kind, I suppose.  That's not really the best way to put it because it makes me sound like an alien, but it's true.  I'm tired of being a female with a more masculine thought process.  I'm tired of not having any "girlfriends" to go shopping with or complain about how big my ass is with or discuss secret things with.  Then again, the secret things I would discuss would not be suitable for most feminine discussions.  So I'm left with this annoying dilemma.

I always feel so out of place in my skin, like I shouldn't be who I am.  I shouldn't look like this.  This isn't my body.  I should be someone else.  I'm in this state of limbo.  I don't understand my own creation.  I don't understand why I was made the most desirable kind of female to a male, and yet the least desirable female friend.  You can only have one boyfriend (unless you get lucky and your boyfriend likes boys, too, and wants more to join in all the time) but you can have an infinite number of female friends.  I feel like I got the short end of the stick in this matter.

I want Monique to call me.  I want her to call just to talk.  I want her to tell me how she's feeling about something secret.  I want to tell her how I'm feeling about something secret.  I don't want to be alone in my head anymore.

You might think that I share everything on this journal, that I'm an open person, that I let everything spill out through my keyboard.  I could see where you would think that.  I do say a lot of personal things here, but I promise you, it's only the tip of an immense and complicated iceberg that, as it stands now, will remain under cold, cruel water for the rest of eternity.  Even my male, my sweet perfect little creature, often seems completely lackluster in his understanding of my mind.  I'm so alone and yet so used to it.

On a lighter note, for the first time in a long time I got so aroused that I came in my clothing without any application of pressure to my dirty parts.  So glad to know that I'm not broken in that department anymore.  Complete recovery has been proven and a weight is lifted from my shoulders.

I'm really glad I'm starting to play DDR more lately.  For some reason I always feel like I get more of a workout playing DDR than anything else.  I think it is because:
- you are pretty much running in place like on a treadmill.
- when playing on heavy you must twist your upper body and legs opposite of each other, working the "love handles" area of your hips.
- if you use the bar to play you are supporting almost your entire weight on your arms and that is definitely good for your biceps, shoulders and upper back muscles.
- you are forced to move your body in strange ways to keep your balance, which works your abs and your arms and of course your legs.

I had ten Girl Scout cookies for breakfast.  I feel pretty sick.  A nice roast beef sandwich probably would have made me feel a lot better, but I had to finish editing a group lab so I couldn't go get one.  I'm mad at myself and also the guy in my group who forgot to send me the damn graphs and tables that I was adding in and editing last night.  If he had remembered I could have gone and frolicked today instead of working on this crap.

Then again, if I had finished the lab last night I couldn't have sat around looking up porn.  I guess the world is full of trade-offs.

I feel sooo sick.  Damn you, Girl Scouts!  I wish I was home instead of this insipid engineering building.

Today has been a struggle for me.

I'm very hungry even though I've had a fair amount of food today.  Perhaps it's because working on homework really takes it out of me.

I fell asleep on a couch in the corner of a basement for about an hour.  I can almost never sleep in public places so that really says something about how tired I am.

The bandage on my middle finger reminds me of Ritsuka.  I watch it as I type and imagine hiding it from people, even though it's only because I was clumsy and scraped my finger on some silverware while washing dishes.

I've been awake for twelve hours and have spent nine of them here in this building.  I'm starting to think that I live here in this mangled mass of steel and concrete.  Why do engineers have to build things so cold and unfeeling?  Why couldn't the staircases be made of wood and why are all the plants made of plastic?  The best part is that it's not over.  I'll be here for probably three or four more hours before I can go back to my little apartment.  I feel like the exit sign is making fun of me.

I don't understand this most recent chapter in Thermodynamics.  Everything seems so jumbled and ill-defined.  I could liken the situation to almost getting across a street only to be struck by a bus at the last moment which then hospitalizes you for months.  Blah.

Here I sit, waiting for my group members to get here.  Gilad only left a few minutes ago.  This entry is all the relaxation I get between tasks.

At least during the three hours that I wasn't here in this building I looked up pron.  That was nice and something I hadn't done in a very long time due to lack of interest (I know, I was very mentally destroyed for a while...).  Today, however, I wanted to again.  Another glorious step to full recovery has been taken.  It's the glowing light in the distance through the terrible black fog that has been this day.

I have to get up at 8:30 AM and I'll be here until midnight.  Ugh.  No time for fun tonight.

I'm probably going to post all my pr0nz up on the intarwebz to clear some space on my hard drive.

If you are interested (that means you, hentai_lovers group members who come to my site and never comment and have no entries on your own sites because you're just hentai seeking hippies), the username for the site will be "bawlz_to_the_wallz" and I should have some business posted on it by tonight.

I feel so god damn awkward all the time.  Every morning I wake up and look in the mirror.  My ass is so big and I have these horribly large love handles.  My clothing just doesn't fit and it sucks.  I thought that I would be losing weight faster than this...

I feel like not eating today, but whenever I think that I slap myself mentally.  Anorexia is a terrible path to tread.  I try not to be revolted by eating food, but sometimes after I've eaten I just feel so terrible.  Good thing I really hate throwing up also.  Bulimia will never be a problem for me.

I just need to exercise more.  Maybe I need to work out every day instead of every other.  I miss playing DDR an might get back to that business.  I should stop watching America's Next Top Model.  Tyra Banks is such a stupid spoiled whore.

I've been singing really sappy, girlie music to myself lately.  I keep forgetting my iPod and the lamest music pops into my head when I don't have it.  I'll think things like, "My heart will go on?  What the fuck am I singing!?" but then I'll sing the stupid song anyway.

I was crying so hard that it hurt my eyes and I wrapped my arms around his waste and asked him to sing me a song.  He said the first song that popped into his head was "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" so I told him to sing it.  His voice is beautiful and he made that song so soothing and wonderful, even though it's just a silly little song with no real deep meaning or emotional clarity.

I wish I didn't feel like a complete idiot all the time.  I feel like everything I say is offensive or awkward.  I can't filter myself in front of children and end up cursing regardless.  I just feel really strange sometimes, even around people I've known for a while.  And yet, they all still hang out with me.  They all still think I'm an amazing person.  They all still tell me how neat I am.  Where is this disconnect coming from?

Mike's Hard Lime + Yu-Gi-Oh! the Abridged Series + The Mangler = an awesome night of silliness.

I felt an amazing glimpse of that oh-so-sweet clarity I used to exercise when dealing with all matters academic.  I felt that sudden burst of understanding, that realization that I understand and that no one can take that away from me.  I looked down at the paper and the symbols rearranged for me like they used to, telling me the answer.  The words and phrases changed from questions to answers and I barely had to bat an eye before the test was over.  I smiled sweetly and looked my professor in the eye indicating I had beaten him and not only that, but before anyone else.  I dominantly extended the paper to his outstretched hand with the knowledge that what I had done was good and he knew it, everyone knew it.

Last semester I had lost that feeling.  Instead of confidently striding into class holding my head up high as pompous thoughts of my own intelligence swirled about in my mind, I permissively huddled in the back of the classroom, sitting in the rain waiting fruitlessly for understanding to come, looking at my watch a million times, and finally going home, stood up by my most coveted possession and drained of all will to live.  I understand why gifted children drop out of college more often on average.  Suddenly, after a life of never having to try to gain understanding of the world around you, everything fades and becomes veiled in a kind of secrecy.  You hit your intellectual "brick wall" and no longer does knowledge simply absorb into your mind like some kind of ion into a highly charged mass.  No longer is everything handed to you on a veritable "silver platter" from your textbooks.  The words seem meaningless and it feels as though your mind has put up some kind of barrier to their entrance into your collective knowledge.  Realizing that you don't automatically know everything can be a horrible thing.

However, once you readjust yourself to this new reality you have discovered, your mind relaxes.  It essentially turns on the internal cooler and lets your CPU run a bit warm as you overclock yourself.  It slowly retracts the blue screen of death and lets you run in normal rather than safe mode.  What was once a soul crushing, mind destroying thought process is now completely acceptable and, in fact, illuminating.

In summary, I kind of like my classes this semester.  I sound like such an egotistical ass in this entry.

Also, I hate getting emotional.  I hate how it blocks out all rational thought.  I hate how it takes me an hour or two of fuming and crying and whimpering to realize that I'm being a complete idiot and nothing I've said over the course of that hour or two had any meaning at all.  Female emotion is so annoying.  If I could take a pill or get some part of my brain removed to negate estrogen's effect on my thought processes I certainly would...unless it involved growing back hair.  I really don't want back hair.

For some reason today has been one of the best days of my life so far.

My application to an extremely awesome job has gotten through screening and into the hands of a hiring manager.

I got a free lunch and a free book.

I got all my homework done and some face time with my professors.

I get to work at the most fun place ever.

I'm making my male and myself ribeyes tonight.

Yes!