I don't have anyone to stalk currently and it's pretty disappointing.

With Ryan being himself and ______ no longer registering on my human-o-meter, I find myself in a fair bit of annoyance when it comes to zoning out during class.

I often try to fantasize about Monique, but the facts that she is currently engaged and that the relationship seems pretty solid, it's hard for me to wish her mine.  I like Paul.  I like them as a couple.

*sigh*

Why can't anyone else be worth stalking?  Why can't I find someone else to have a crush on?  I like having crushes.  I don't want to be without them as they serve for amazing entertainment.

Even Dr. House is falling by the wayside as he is tied inexplicably to ______.

I browse the Columbia metro way too much and often wonder what it would be like to meet someone whose entire journal I have read.

I think I'm going to get my masters, then my doctorate and then I'm going to teach chemical engineering at a university until I get too old.

Dear person from Florida,

If you are so interested in my blog that you read a lot of my entries, then please comment so I can do the same.  I'm always interested in more blogs to read, especially when the person writing the blog is on the same wavelength as me.

If you don't ever comment then let me thank you for stopping by and making me feel special.  I like mystery guests almost as much as new subscribers.

Kind regards,
Katie

That amazing note, that little document he left on my desktop so long ago, that culmination of everything I ever wanted to be, it came back to me yesterday.

Every night before I go to sleep him comes and tucks me in.

I was leaning over setting our alarms for class and he wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed me.  Then he nuzzled my back with his face and said, "I'm so lucky.  Not only are you beautiful and my soul mate, but you're my best friend.  When I got to college all I hoped for was to meet the "supportive" girlfriend who didn't yell at me if I played video games until 5 AM.  Instead I got the world's most perfect girl who will stay up with me and yell at the screen as I kill over 50,000 zombies with different vehicles because I get scared when I play by myself."  I turned around and hugged him and at that moment I knew he would write that note again.  I knew everything was back the way it was supposed to be.

I think I'm going to buy him a hoodie for Valentine's Day.  He's tired of the stupid static-producing jackets that his parents always buy him.  He seems jealous of our friend Paul's hoodies.  I just can't decide what should be depicted on the hoodie in question.  Video game references?  Movie references?  Monochromatic blandness?  I'm sure I'll figure something out.  Regardless of what kind I purchase, he will be overjoyed because it came from me.  I could buy him a magenta hoodie with unicorns on it and he would wear it every day even though he would hate it.

I wish I could buy flowers for a girlfriend on Valentine's Day.  I just want to buy all the generic gifts like a huge teddy bear and a big box of chocolates and a dozen roses and a diamond necklace and watch the reaction.  I've never had a girlie girlfriend to whom I could give gifts like that.  Then I would take her shopping at the mall and stand around looking bored while she inspected a bunch of clothing.  I'm sure I would get annoyed with a girlfriend like that in a matter of weeks, but just for a bit I want to experience it.  Is that strange?

There are so many beautiful Asian women in my apartment complex.  I see them getting into elevators, taking the stairs with me, in the laundry room, in the hallways, in the parking lot, standing in line to pay rent, and walking out the front doors.  I just get scared when I think about asking them out.  What if they don't speak very fluent English?  It would be so hard to explain that I like women and have a fiance, but want a girlfriend in addition.  Even if they could understand me perfectly, what are the chances of someone accepting such a proposition, Asian or not?  Pretty low, I would assume.  *sigh*  I'm such a greedy bastard, looking for two perfect amazing human beings, one of each gender.

This week has started off wonderfully.  I'm actually not really dreading the rest of the semester as much anymore.  I think I've got this.

I saw Juno today.

I cried.

My male says Juno reminds him of me.  I cried.

That movie was so wonderful.  It made me so happy inside.  It was like everything that I've been missing for the last year rushed back in a few minutes.  I can't explain.  It was just exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.

He saw me trying to hide my tears and softly nuzzled his head on my shoulder.  That only made me cry more.

Bad things happen and that movie was kind of saying, "You messed up, but you're a good person so it will work out in the end."

I feel so nice right now.

I didn't log into AIM today.

I've decided that AIM is tied to everything evil in this world and am therefore boycotting it indefinitely until it apologizes.

If it apologizes I might forgive it, but I'm not promising anything.

Today I went back and read all my entries over again.  It definitely did not make me happy.

What it did do is make me realize that I'm still me.  Even before any of the crap with _____ happened I still worried about my classes and agonized over every test and felt stupid all day.  I also didn't like my body and constantly wanted to change it.  I haven't changed much in that regard.

What has changed is the most important thing a person can have, the belief in oneself.  I've lost it.  I don't trust myself anymore and I don't think I can be faithful anymore.  I don't respect myself.  If I don't respect myself, how can I respect others?

I'll tell you how.  Stop.

I have to stop.  I'm done talking to Ryan on AIM.  I'm done wasting all my time in the evenings posting on this damn thing instead of doing what I should be doing, what I used to do.

Tonight I'm going to do what I should be doing, what will allow me to respect myself again.  I'm going to be with my male.  I'm going to devote all my attention to him.  I'm going to do what used to make me so happy.  I'm going to play WoW with him, take him out to dinner, snuggle with him on the couch, make fun of Team Fortress 2 with him while he plays.  I'm going to have fun with him.  I'm going to start rebuilding the memories.  This is my amazing chance to fall in love twice with one person.

I'm almost positive that the second I stop confiding in others before my male that my recovery will be complete.  No more of this Ryan crap.  No more of this sitting on the computer in the other room leaving him to play video games by himself while I fantasize about random stuff on the internet.  I'm done.  I'm tired.  I miss him so much.

I want to feel like he would write me that note again, that amazing note.  I want to be his everything again.  I want to more than anything in the world.  I want that wonderful feeling of security and pure love back.  I need it.  I need it now more than ever.

I'm not going to blame anything else anymore.  I'm not going to blame my grandfather's death or my terrible lab job.  It was me!  I did it!  I ruined everything!  Nothing else did it.  Nothing made me.  I did it.  I wasn't forced to and I can't claim to have been.  It was all my fault.  Now that I've admitted it, not only on this blog, but deep down inside I can start letting go.  There is no excuse for what I did, and there is no excuse for not recovering.

I love you.