I thought this was sort of important so I'll make an exception from my hiatus to come back for only a moment.

I think I might be a lesbian.

I'm engaged to be married.

I don't know what to do...

Why has blogging become so eternally depressing?

Why does everything I write seem so trivial and pointless?

Why can't I just be happy when there's nothing to be sad about?

I'm tired and bored.

It's over for now.  I really think I'm finished (for a while at least) and I'm going to quit posting.

Enjoy the previous post.  If you want to contact me just comment, but I can't guarantee that I will check back.

Alright, so the diet did not go so well this weekend.  I'll do better this week when I'm not being talked into things via coupon.

Caloric Intake:  3/14/08:  2000ish + DDR
Caloric Intake:  3/15/08:  4000ish because everyone wanted pizza and we found a coupon for a 20-inch and it came with extra cheese bread and I just couldn't help myself.
Caloric Intake:  3/16/08:  1800ish

I'm feeling a little down.  I thought I had finished a thermodynamics assignment but it turns out I did a large portion of it wrong and must now redo it.  I guess I'll be doing that tonight when I get home after all the other stuff I have to do.  At least I completely finished an assignment for another class so I will not have to think about that one.  I'll be glad when this whole "homework" thing is over and done with.

I finally finished organizing all our L5R cards.  It's good to know they are all resting safely in their respective binders and boxes and not all just jumbled on my dresser anymore.  It's also nice to be able to find any card I want at any time.  Ah, sweet, sweet nerdy satisfaction.

Regardless of the homework disappointment this morning and the diet flub, I had a great weekend.  Friday I got a lot done in the way of housework and Saturday I volunteered all day at the Science Olympiad that was held on campus.  My high school gifted teacher runs it and since I go to college here she always hits me up to help out.  I really enjoy seeing a huge herd of children really excited about the sciences.  We need more of that in this country.  There can only be so many politicians before we collapse as a derelict society.  Stupidity is not to be admired, nor is getting paid to confuse people.

Saturday night was amazing.  My male and I went over to a friends house and played the Star Wars RPG.  Uh, yeah, pretty much awesome.  I love my character and our DM is great.  We ate pizza and drank and laughed and made fun of Joe because he deserves it.  Do you know Tristan from the Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Series (If you don't go look it up on youtube right this instant or I'm going to be mad!!)?  Yeah, that's Joe.  Anyway, I had so much fun and we played until like 4 AM and I can't wait until next weekend so we can all play again.  (I can hear everyone screaming NERD!!!  Don't think I can't.)

Sunday I did a bunch of homework but that doesn't matter because it was boring and frustrating.  The important part was that my male and I played Diablo II online and it made me want to unsubscribe from WoW.  I want to play it right now.  I'm addicted.  I played it single player back in high school but never beat the game because I sort of moved from the PC to the Playstation 2 around freshman year.  You know that feeling when you haven't played a game in a super long time and all of a sudden you remember why you played it in the first place and it just makes you feel warm and relaxed and completely satisfied with existence?  Yeah, that's the feeling I get from playing.  Oh, Diablo II, I need to buy the expansion for you.  Maybe tomorrow.

I'm going to go unsubscribe from WoW.

One of my friends had everything electronic stolen from his apartment.  Consequently I went back to my apartment, took apart the deadbolt which had been kind of wiggly, and then put it back together.  For some reason having a flashlight and a screwdriver in my hands and making something work properly really makes me feel alive.

I really want to be in my kitchen right now.  I want to make some amazing Thai food.  I get off work in 45 minutes.  I can't wait.

Rewind:  Caloric Intake: 3/13/08:  2000ish

I'm annoyed lately about how poorly I've been doing at dieting.  It's time for strict training.  No more than 1200 calories a day for the next two weeks.

Time passed so slowly, almost as though I was watching a clock at all times, as though the second hand slammed reluctantly, taunting me with it's sluggish mannerisms.  When I'm 60 will I look back and think about these interludes of wishing away my life?  Will I be disappointed in myself for asking time to hurry its lazy ass up?  Will I chide myself with commonly accepted statements like "college is the best time of your life" and "have fun while you can, because when you graduate everything goes downhill"?  I certainly hope not.  I hope everyone is wrong.  I think everyone is wrong.

I can't wait to have a house and a job.  Nothing could compare to the subconscious stress I put on myself to get perfect grades.  At a job, if you do well you get a promotion.  If you do average you keep your job.  I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be average.

I really should have been an education major, or so it seems from my current experiences.  I wish I had known that several years ago.

When is my hoodie going to be done?  I miss it.  I want it back.  It's perfect hoodie weather now.  I should call.  I feel like my child has been sent to a summer camp that doesn't allow letters or phone calls home.  Oh, hoodie, I promise we'll be together again soon.

I took my iPod with me today because it isn't 266 K outside anymore.  I get scared that it will be damaged by the extreme cold and it means a lot to me because my male purchased it of his own volition and without me driving him to the store (he is extremely nervous in large crowds and travels with me whenever possible).  I want to protect it.  However, today I took the risk and was rewarded with music in my ears and a smile on my face the entire way to class.

I love seeing how people find my xanga.  Someone typed in the word "being" and found me.  I feel so existential.

I think I'm going to make myself some angel hair pasta.

Caloric Intake:  3/12/08:  1200ish and yesterday I did push-ups and sit-ups.

I should have been an education major.  I love teaching others.  It's amazing.  It's so fascinating to see the look on someone's face when he/she suddenly understands something.

I really don't want to die here.  I feel like I might.  When an exam takes 2.5 hours even though it is open book, open note, open homework, open e-mailing yourself spreadsheets that will solve the problems...well, that's a little silly I think.

I wonder if I'm the only one who came.  Did they forget?

Double Rewind:  Caloric Intake 3/10/08:  2000ish

Rewind:  Caloric Intake 3/11/08:  1700ish

I don't want to go to class.  I know I won't learn anything and end up drawing pictures of my professor as an integrated circuit or as a panther.

I'm going home today.  I'm not staying in this building all night.  I have an exam from 7 to 9 PM.  At least it's across the street.  We better get the damn report finished.  At least the next report will be an individual one rather than a group one.  I won't have to be here from 8 PM until midnight every Monday and Wednesday anymore.

Come to me, ACen, for you will mark the end of an era.

Wikie O'Brien is an amazing name.

Things seem foggy at best.  I find it annoying when I have to do something I don't want to do in the best interests of someone I really don't care about in the least.

As I've been quoted on facebook as saying, "I know she crapped him out of her vagina, and I'm grateful for that, but she's a bitch."

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I find it interesting that I sometimes feel as though everything is out of control.  Wrecking balls are smashing the walls down and I can do nothing but watch as slivers of drywall and broken glass go flying past my frozen form.  Bricks are stacking higher and higher on my shoulders as I'm slowly crushed under the weight.  Millions of tiny knives are cutting me and I can do nothing to stop it.  Diamonds are slipping through my fingers over the Grand Canyon and I am too slow to catch them.

And yet, nothing is really that chaotic.  Nothing is really wrong.  Nothing is really uncontrollable.  I just feel like it is.  I just suddenly can't stand it anymore and want to shut down like my computer does and just wait for someone to boot me back up when everything is over.  But there is nothing to be over.  What is wrong with me?

Life is too much for me.  It's this incredibly hard and complicated game that I am sort of getting bored with and no longer want to play just to see the ending.  I'm tired of trying to beat it.  I don't want to get the "A" ending.  I don't want to see how everything turns out.  I just want to stop and play a new game.  But there isn't another game.  Life is it.  It's all we get.  We can't just take out the disk and put in a new one.

Coincidentally, the song from Cheers just came on the television.  It certainly explains how I'm feeling better than I can.

How do I do it?  How do I keep going?  I've never been much for the "heaven and hell" theory, so I've always resigned myself to the fact that my death will result in me rotting in the ground, not going to some kind of supernatural place of eternal joy or eternal damnation.  If that's the case, then regardless of how many children I have they will still die one day and regardless of how many children they have they will die one day and regardless of all that in about a billion years the sun will blow up and everything that was ever created on this planet will be destroyed forever.

I am so angry that I was born too early in the life of this universe to see human beings travel, work and live in space.  I'll share a secret.  Ever since I read the book Time Enough for Love I have wanted to become Lazarus.  I want to live for 2000 years and become as jaded about life as humanly possible.  As it stands now I'll only get the taste in my mouth before I am pulled from the dining room of human existence and thrown out into the backyard of death.

I'm always so selfish.  I suppose that when (not if) we do start exploring and inhabiting space if any of my descendants are left that should technically be enough for me.  I should theoretically produce a multitude of offspring like an animal to ensure that at least one or two will survive into the next generation, but at the same time the fact that there is no absolute certainty that any of my genetic material will be prolonged is very disturbing to me.  These are the things I think about to worry myself when I have nothing else to worry about.

Good golly gee, I'm rambling like a mother fucker today.  I think I'm going to stop.

I feel so skinny and weak, but it feels good.

We ran up and down the stairs (because we live on the forth floor) instead of going to the gym because I didn't want to see any muscular men (the sight of which I think is the most disgusting thing on the planet, even more disgusting than dead bodies).  My back hurts and my shoulders are tense and my legs ache when I walk, but for every second of pain I endure, that is another second of muscle growth and toning for my delicate little body.

I should get back into karate, but for some reason it really didn't make me feel very capable in a fight.

With every picture you share of your amazing body I wish even more that you or I were unattached and that we could be together when those pictures were taken.  You're beautiful.  I can't wait until this weekend.  Let's watch Fern Gully.

I posted an ad on craigslist.  I sort of don't believe that anyone really checks that site, but you never know.  I just really want a date, even if it goes horribly.  He gets excited when I talk about it because he's too afraid to do the same.  He can't even tell his lone group member how pretty she is when they are all alone in the computer lab working on their project.  He's so afraid.  And it's not that I'm not afraid, I just really don't want to get too old.

I ask him to play with my hair because it makes my scalp feel better and also soothes me if I have a headache, but then he leaned down and started kissing my neck.  My only weakness!  We were naked quickly and I always enjoy it more when it's unexpected.  *sigh*  He makes amazing noises.  He's so perfect and wonderful.  Why am I so poor?  I want to buy him a Wii.

Oh gosh.

Rewind:  Caloric Intake 3/8/08:  Probably 2000ish

Fast Forward:  Caloric Intake 3/9/08:  A lot.  It was my little brother's birthday after all.  I'm going to work out tonight.

I'm always so excited about talking to Ryan on AIM...until I do and then I remember that he just isn't as interesting as I imagine him to be.

He wore a scarf a couple days last week even though I had never seen him with one before.  It was black, though.