March 12, 2008

• Things seem foggy at best.  I find it annoying when I have to do something I don't want to do in the best interests of someone I really don't care about in the least.

  As I've been quoted on facebook as saying, "I know she crapped him out of her vagina, and I'm grateful for that, but she's a bitch."

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  I find it interesting that I sometimes feel as though everything is out of control.  Wrecking balls are smashing the walls down and I can do nothing but watch as slivers of drywall and broken glass go flying past my frozen form.  Bricks are stacking higher and higher on my shoulders as I'm slowly crushed under the weight.  Millions of tiny knives are cutting me and I can do nothing to stop it.  Diamonds are slipping through my fingers over the Grand Canyon and I am too slow to catch them.

  And yet, nothing is really that chaotic.  Nothing is really wrong.  Nothing is really uncontrollable.  I just feel like it is.  I just suddenly can't stand it anymore and want to shut down like my computer does and just wait for someone to boot me back up when everything is over.  But there is nothing to be over.  What is wrong with me?

  Life is too much for me.  It's this incredibly hard and complicated game that I am sort of getting bored with and no longer want to play just to see the ending.  I'm tired of trying to beat it.  I don't want to get the "A" ending.  I don't want to see how everything turns out.  I just want to stop and play a new game.  But there isn't another game.  Life is it.  It's all we get.  We can't just take out the disk and put in a new one.

  Coincidentally, the song from Cheers just came on the television.  It certainly explains how I'm feeling better than I can.

  How do I do it?  How do I keep going?  I've never been much for the "heaven and hell" theory, so I've always resigned myself to the fact that my death will result in me rotting in the ground, not going to some kind of supernatural place of eternal joy or eternal damnation.  If that's the case, then regardless of how many children I have they will still die one day and regardless of how many children they have they will die one day and regardless of all that in about a billion years the sun will blow up and everything that was ever created on this planet will be destroyed forever.

  I am so angry that I was born too early in the life of this universe to see human beings travel, work and live in space.  I'll share a secret.  Ever since I read the book Time Enough for Love I have wanted to become Lazarus.  I want to live for 2000 years and become as jaded about life as humanly possible.  As it stands now I'll only get the taste in my mouth before I am pulled from the dining room of human existence and thrown out into the backyard of death.

  I'm always so selfish.  I suppose that when (not if) we do start exploring and inhabiting space if any of my descendants are left that should technically be enough for me.  I should theoretically produce a multitude of offspring like an animal to ensure that at least one or two will survive into the next generation, but at the same time the fact that there is no absolute certainty that any of my genetic material will be prolonged is very disturbing to me.  These are the things I think about to worry myself when I have nothing else to worry about.

  Good golly gee, I'm rambling like a mother fucker today.  I think I'm going to stop.

  • 12:21 am
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