Eating less has made me very irritable and is giving me really painful headaches, but I remember this from back when I lost a lot of weight back in high school.  The first couple weeks of the diet are the roughest.  My will is strong, however, and I refuse to give in over a couple of headaches and increased douchebaggery.

Some of my boy shorts fit more loosely than they have been and it's only been a few days, so that is a sign in itself that I'm doing well.  My goal, of course, is that magic 115 pounds that I've never weighed in my adult life.  The lightest for me was 120 pounds when I first got to college and was playing DDR and doing karate pretty much every day of the week.

I can't wait for my favorite pair of jeans to fit again.

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I'm definitely using on of the people I was talking about in an earlier entry for expensive stuff that I don't want to buy a copy of.  I know in my heart I should "friend break up" with this person and just let it go, but I'm not that big of a douchebag and since they continue to call me and want to hang out I don't really think they realize how I feel, so I'm just going to let it go on.  Call me passive aggressive, but I just don't like to provoke things when doing so won't really change anything in a positive way.  Even if I said, "Hey, I really don't want to be friends with you and you're just not my kind of person at all," this person wouldn't change one bit, I wouldn't change one bit and everyone would just be pissed off, I'm sure. 

Better to let sleeping dogs lie, especially if you know that waking them up will cause them to jump up and bit you in the throat.

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I'm so afraid that one day he will stop calling.  I'm so afraid that one day he'll be in New York and we'll be here and we'll never hear from him.  I forgot to send him his dice in the mail on Friday so it will have to wait until Monday.  I feel bad.  I feel like even such a little thing will suddenly cut the cups on a string binding us over this long distance and his voice will be silent in my life.  I'm so afraid. 

I had a dream that he got a sex change and made a super ugly girl and Mike was like, "Hell no we aren't going to date you," and then he started crying and then I started crying and then I woke up.  It was so depressing that I started crying after I was awake and woke Mike up because I was sobbing.  What could be too much more depressing than getting a life changing surgery for someone else who then rejects you for it? 

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I've been having lots of dreams, some where Mike is in them and some without him being involved, where I have sex with people other than him.  Most often the person is an effeminate emo male which confuses me because I'm not really in the market at all for another male.  These dreams frighten me as they seem to indicate that somewhere deep in my mind Mike isn't satisfying me so much that I actually want another male.

I find so often that I don't understand myself at all.  I feel like my mind is this puzzle that I just can't put together.  When I'm sad or angry I often don't know why or with whom.  It gets really frustrating when I'm crying uncontrollably and I can't even answer when someone asks me what's wrong.  It's not because I'm sobbing too hard to say anything, it's just because I have no idea and don't have an answer.  I tried going to a therapist, but that just confused me more and all they do is try and shove medicine down your throat.  No, thank you, I would like to be myself and not wonder if I'm happy because I'm happy or happy because the drugs force me to be.  Not saying that I'm necessarily unhappy, just that I really don't understand why when I am.

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I can't let it go.  I can't let that phone call go.  It seems so long ago, but at the same time it feels like it was just an hour ago.  I find myself reliving it over and over in my head sometimes, the phone call equivalent to the Big Bang in my life.  I was shattered, nothing but a pile of rubble, left with nothing and no one.  Everything I cared about was thrown away in a matter of minutes.  After that phone call everything just collapsed on itself.

I can remember the days leading up to it.  I stopped staying with him.  I started sneaking back to my room to get on AIM.  I started avoiding people who had seen us together.  I started only deriving pleasure from talking to someone I perceived to be my savior, my Jesus, my "new and improved" everything.  Why?  Why did I do it?  Why was he on World of Warcraft that day?  Why did I snap and make so many terrible decisions?  How can I ever forgive myself.

I suppose I often seem self confident to others.  I often display a pompous egotistical attitude that precludes not caring about anyone's opinion.  Really, I hate myself.  I have since his opinion of me stopped being positive.  I have since I couldn't talk to him anymore about anything.  I have since he started seeing me as another useless woman.  I don't care about many people's opinions, but I cared about his, however irrelevant it turned out to be in the long run.  I used to be so modest and friendly.  Now I can't muster the courage.  I attack everyone around me hoping that it will scare them enough that they won't notice my flaws and point them out.  I'm insecure constantly.  I've started having panic attacks.  I don't know how much longer I will last, really.

I thought I was getting better.  I started ignoring my thoughts about this magically savior of mine who forsook me.  I started feeling better, little by little the universe that was my life started collecting back together after the great upheaval.  I thought ignoring the problem could solve it.  Time heals all wounds, right?  But it couldn't.  My resolve started to falter.  I couldn't stop the thoughts.  I wanted to see my savior.  I wanted to know what he was doing.  I wanted to be able to talk to him again.  I wanted to know he thought I was an amazing person again.

Then it all flooded back, all the tears and the pain and the wasted time.  I want it all the disappear.  Why?!  Ugh, how could I have done what I did back then?  His eyes, staring back into mine.  His voice, calling out to me.  I cried so hard.  He cried so hard when I proposed.  His trust was so much easier to gain back than my own.  Can I ever trust myself again?

Not until you trust me.  I miss you.  Call out to me.  I promise I won't hurt him again.  I'm his now, I swear.  I gave him the ring.  We have a wedding date.  I want you friendship back.  I promise things will be just like they were.  Just tell me you think I'm funny.  No one word answers.  No silent disdain.  Please, I want to hear you smile.  I want to fantasize about you again without feeling pain.  I want to imagine you growing up and looking just like Dr. House.  Please...please.  Only you can save me.

But you never will.  I'll always be without you.  I'll always be just part of a person.  I'll be eternally broken and it's all my fault.  The worst part is you don't even care.  My apologies don't matter.  Nothing matters.

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I want to hide from everything, but I can't.  The world doesn't stop for tears.

Mike and I have decided we need to get serious about getting back into shape.  Both of us have gained a bit of weight and lost a bit of muscle.  We've decided that the only option is to alternate DDR with sit-ups/push-ups every other day and eat half of what we have been eating.  I personally found this kind of regiment to be very effective back in high school when I lost about 20 pounds for graduation and good first impressions at college.

Because we already share a plate at pretty much every restaurant, this change will mean eating little enough to have leftovers.  Also, we will be purchasing fewer high sugar foods like cookies and fewer high...uhhh...super nasty oily foods like frozen garlic bread pizza.  This won't be too hard because we eat a lot of rice and pasta and vegetables anyway, so the grocery change will be much easier than actually not eating way too much when I cook at home. I'm excited because I remember that a low calorie diet made me feel so invigorated and full of life because I wasn't always tired from my body putting all its energy into digestion at any given time.

DDR is pretty sad.  We both used to be so good and were able to play seven or eight games in a row without getting tired.  Now we play two or three songs and we're gasping for breath.  We've got a long way to go, but the reward is so worth it that I don't mind.  Plus, getting better at DDR makes me feel really impressive and attractive.  Too bad people probably look at us while we are playing and think, "Gawd, what a couple of nerds."

For some reason since the beginning of my time as a PE student in fifth grade I have been able to do an inordinately large number of push-ups and sit-ups for my gender and weight.  I don't know what it is about those two exercises but I seem to have some kind of ridiculous (and useless) knack for them.  Fancy that they are two exercises that work your a good portion of your abs.

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I'm such a bore.  I know.  I warned you.

I'm sitting naked in this chair because our air conditioning is broken and our dehumidifier can't get water out of the air fast enough for my cloths to not stick to me from the humidity.  Ugh.  I hate Missouri in the summer.

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Unfortunately that ginger child is (as expected) a terrible DM.  We don't know how to break it down for him.  Should we give him a few more sessions to learn the ropes or suggest he make a character and one of us take up his post?  I don't want to hurt his feelings; he did a great job for his age and doesn't deserve it.  It's just that we, as twenty-somethings, can't appreciate his "style" if you will.  *sigh*  I think it was the complete lack of roleplaying that really got to me.  He also happened to draw a large field of what appeared to be penises, but were actually trees, for us to make camp in and we all had to comment which made me think perhaps our ridiculous gutter minds weren't appropriate for a campaign lead by a 12-year-old.  Anyway, I don't know what will happen with the continuation of the campaign, but I'm glad we gave him a chance at least.

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A friend who got married is now back from his honeymoon and moved into his new apartment.  Normally I wouldn't care at all where a friend was when determining if I wanted to hang out with him/her, but in his case it was terrible.  His roommate, who was also his ex best friend, had this insane cat that would attack without warning or provocation.  I still have scars from a time I walked by the stupid thing while talking on the phone and he clawed and bit my ankle.  As proof that the cat sucked balls, let me say that I love cats and they are my favorite animals, but I wanted to break this one's back over my knee and then feast on his heart.  Also, notice the "ex" in front of best friend there.  Tensions were high and it was always extremely awkward to go over there because you never knew when he would walk through and scowl and you would wonder if he had keyed your car on the way in.  Anyway, so finally he's moved out and is now living with his wife who, while sometimes annoying and a little too party girl for me, is way better than the roommate and his cat.  Now I can actually feel neutral to excited to go over there and play Rock Band instead of apprehensive and agitated.

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As a pair I think we can be very intimidating.  Perhaps we are a little too intense when it comes to competitive games.  I never used to be that way, but living with Mike and playing online games and miniature war games with him has really brought out the "I want to beat the pants off you regardless of how crappy it will make you feel about your skills" attitude in me.  Consequently, if we are put in a situation where we can collaborate we do kind of own everyone else and give off a negative aura with our intensity.  Is it bad?  I don't know.  It does cause people to try harder at games, but at the same time it also takes away from the fun factor.  I guess we shouldn't be playing games with sore losers.  *shrug*

Alcohol would have improved the night, but I ate pizza, hot dogs and brownies today without anything else in my stomach, so I don't think getting drunk would have produced enjoyable results later on.

I always get so scared that even though I had fun, other people didn't and then that cause me to feel crappy and negates the having fun part of the event.

Also, Mike was demoted from a pirate to a scurvy dog by the 2-year-old child of our hosts, so that's always a disappointment.

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I got too nervous Saturday to go try and pick up the ladies.  There are a couple of problems with this.  Don't read on if you don't feel like having a TMI situation on your hands.

I feel like perhaps for me trying to find a girl to date outside of my primary relationship, while it would be considered merely polyamory and not cheating since it was agreed upon ahead of time by the two of us, would be almost like keeping a shirt you don't wear very much but buying another and wearing it a lot more than the old shirt.  What I'm trying to say is that Mike and I don't have a lot of sex.  Maybe it's because we are busy.  Maybe it's because we've passed the blind passion portion of our relationship.  Maybe it's because birth control dulls the urge to get down.  I don't know why, but we just don't get it on like animals all that much.  However, that's not to say that I don't want to, so I feel like finding a girlfriend who would have that new relationship lust thing going on would be kind of a search for something I can't get from my primary relationship.  In that case, I kind of feel like it would be cheating because I would basically be saying, "Well, you're pretty neat and all and I'll marry you, but I want someone else to have sex with that isn't you because you aren't giving me what I want."

Also, even though I think I'm a really neat person and I like me and I wouldn't really change too much except for me being overly douchebaggish sometimes, I still find myself unattractive and a little chunky in the stomach/butt region.  I get scared that even though Mike says he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world (which makes me cry and hug him) that if I found a girl that was prettier or nicer than me he might like her better and want to marry her instead with me being the girlfriend.  Then I think about how I would feel if I was the girl someone was trying to get into this who mutual girlfriend situation and it sounds terrible.  Even if she was way less attractive than me and had a marginal personality so I wouldn't feel threatened, I'm sure it would still make her feel terrible that we were just keeping her around as this kind of extra person, this petlike special friend, and she would never be married to either of us.  Ick.  I wouldn't want that deal, no matter how cool the couple I was joining was.

Anyway, I guess I have a lot of growing up to do before I really understand myself enough to consider a mutual girlfriend kind of situation.  By that I mean I will probably never be ready for on because my maturing seems to have slowed it's increase to that of an asymptote at y = 0 coming up from negative infinity.  Looks like I'll be 20ish until I'm 72 and that's just not really knowledgeable enough to be trusted with something as complicated as a polyamorous relationship.

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If I could get paid for rambling I would be sooo rich right now.

Please, please, seriously go see Batman.  It's like the exact opposite of the The Happening.  If you see it and don't like it or see The Happening and like it, let me know...

... so I can run as far away from you as I physically can before I collapse because you must be completely insane and I will want nothing to do with you.

I love painting miniatures.

This is a long entry.  Just a warning so you don't read on and then suddenly realize it took you an hour to get to the end.

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OH MY GAWD this guy came into the Vizzle G to play Magic the Gathering tonight and I think I have to write this down for the sake of looking back on it.

He basically came in and had a backpack on which is a no-no at the game store since you can just pick up a blister and toss it in your bag pretty easily, so I asked him to give it to me to put behind the counter.  He did so but then hovered around the counter like I was going to set it on fire or something, which I found really weird.  He then proceeded to greet my coworker three separate times before asking where the bathroom was.  When the door closed Ryan looked at me and mouthed "WTF" and we just looked at each other completely confused and kind of alarmed.

By the time he came out of the bathroom our local Magic card guy had shown up and the dude proceeded to grill him about several cards that he wanted in this angry voice like he was going to kill if he didn't get these fucking cards.  I gave him back his backpack realizing that it was full of his cards and that he was going to be staying here the whole night and softly whimpering to myself that he was super creepy and I'm glad I work with a medium build male instead of all alone.  Nat, the card guy, took it like a champ and just kept answering this guy's super angry questions about what cards he had in stock.  After getting whatever random cards he was wanting he informed us all that he was going outside to smoke, did so, came back in, told us he was going back outside to smoke, did so, and then sat down to riffle through his cards.

Later some children came in and like a fucking moth to a flame this guy ran up and was like, "You playing tonight?"  The kids, who seemed super creeped out, responded sheepishly that they were.  The he was like, "Well, you better have cards," looks at me and says, "Did they bring their cards?" like I would have any idea then looks back at them and says, "You need cards or you can't play because this is a card game."  At this point I began wondering if he was mentally retarded, a child molester, or both.

As I'm signing him up for the tournament he asks me like five times how long it will be until he can play.  After I tell him it will be a few minutes he tells me he's going to go outside and smoke, then he tells the kids he's going to go outside and smoke, then he goes outside, takes like two puffs of the cigarette, puts it out, comes back in, goes back outside, lights another one and does the same thing again.  At this point I was wondering if he was a malfunctioning robot created by aliens to try and fit in with human society.  I mean, damn.

After everyone has been playing and the first round is almost over except for his games (God damnit he was paired with one of the kids first round by the computer program and I was so angry at it.  At least their father was there the whole time.) I went over to ask what game they were on out of three to assess the progress of the round and when I needed to call time.  I ask simply, "What game is this?"  His response?  "Magic the Gathering."  Really??  Really?!  I had no idea you were playing Magic the Gathering!!  Wow!!  Not like I signed you up for the game or sold you some cards or anything!  He wasn't kidding either.  He didn't smile or laugh.  He actually thought I wanted to know what card game they were playing.

Lots of stuff along the same lines happened throughout the course of the night, culminating by him using the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow, exposing his rather large, hairy gut and causing me to become physically ill for a few moments.  He then approached the counter and asked if he could use the phone.  Ryan said sure and the guy starts saying numbers like Ryan's gonna dial the phone for him.  I don't think I've had anyone over the age of five call out numbers for me to dial on a phone for them.

I think it was summed up by Nat, who when I asked if he had ever seen the guy before responded with, "Yes, a few times.  The first time you meet him you think he can't be serious or he's just pretending.  Personally, I think he's one of those people who could kill his mother without batting at eye and then put her in a chest freezer so he could still talk to her sometimes."

The song "People are Strange" by the Doors just kept playing in my head the whole night and I don't think the hairs on the back of my neck settled down until about an hour after we closed the store.

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I just want to say that today was an amazing day in the history of my researcher life.  A student I am tutoring for Organic Chemistry moved his tutoring appointment to yesterday from today because he had a test and wanted to study before it rather than discuss the results with me today.  That freed up this morning for me to go into the reactor and talk with my group members about a setup to insert a sample of a certain metal alloy into the neutron beam port of the reactor, the reason I need the blue key card rather than the green.  If he hadn't moved the appointment I wouldn't have been at the reactor and I would have missed out on one of the most uplifting couple of hours of my life, so I want to send mental good karma waves his way.

Anyway, we are sitting in our ugly vintage chairs in our tiny office in the trailers that have been haphazardly attached to the laboratory area around the reactor (which while it sounds awful is actually the most comfortable, strangely homey little area I've ever called mine outside of my apartment) and I'm drinking the first Vault I've had in over a year and we're all sharing ideas about what we need to do, what calculations we need, what hurdles we have to overcome and all that when our professor walks by.  He smiles and says, "Looks like we've got a packed house today.  Let's have a meeting."  We head into the most utilitarian conference room (I think that's what I love about the trailers.  They are the bare minimum we need to not be outside and it makes me feel like all the money they didn't spend on a new building goes to research and like they know what's really important.) and he starts discussing this setup with us.

Here's where the amazing part really kicks in.  He's actually listening to what we have to say.  He's making eye contact, nodding, incorporating our ideas into the design, discussing the problems we bring up, and even modifying things he proposed to more closely fit the direction we wanted to go in.  In all my years I never imagined that a research professor would do that.  I always imagined them as being stuffy and self absorbed and uninterested in allowing students to "ruin the experimental vision" they have in their minds.  I was simply taken aback and I just started smiling uncontrollably.  I mean wow. 

Keep in mind also that the only other research experience I had drove me to a mental breakdown during which I was the most emotionally unstable and miserable that I have ever been in my entire life, so my expectations were pretty low.  I was expecting this research to be slightly better, especially since it isn't making explosives for the military and is instead about recycling nuclear fuel and making nuclear reactors and solar energy more efficient, but I never expected my opinions to matter.  It was awesome.  I'm still coming down from the high of feeling knowledgeable and wanted in the context of scientific research.  My life is so amazing.  It's hard to believe I'm not just living in some kind of dream world sometimes.

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I missed you, xanga.  I'm glad I can always come back to you and you're never mad that I didn't talk to you for like three months.

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I think I should work on not being such a hard ass when it comes to other human beings.  I'm the most judgmental person I know and that's not an enjoyable thing to know about yourself.  I don't really know how to stop, though.  What steps can I take to quick over-analyzing human behavior and condemning people for little silly things?  How can I be sure they are little silly things and not big nasty things?  Why can't I ever just NOT think about someone and what they are thinking or feeling or doing or believing?  Why am I so constantly interested in how I stack up to others and how they perceive me?

And yet, I never tell someone something I don't mean.  If I don't like you it's no secret.  You'll know because I'll tell you when you ask.  If I tell someone else how I feel about you and then they tell you and you confront me, I'll never deny what I said.  Why keep your thoughts a secret if others really want to know?  I'm of the opinion that the truth, no matter how harsh, is always more desirable than a lie or silence.  In this case, is it really wrong to be judgmental?  If everyone knows I judge them and what I have judged, can I be said to be cruel?  Isn't a lie less respectful than a negative or insulting truth?  If someone is wearing a horrible shirt and asks you how they look and you don't tell them but think it or say it to someone else, isn't that more cruel than just letting them know so they have the incentive to change it if they wish not to be seen that way?  Can't the same be said for a horrible personality?

Perhaps I'm just trying to justify my cruelty with fancy words.  I think way too much for anyone's, including my own, good. 

Maybe I'm just madly in love with everyone on the planet and that's why I constantly think about them.  I guess I'm leaving out that I see good in almost everyone as well as bad and I admire probably 75% of the humans I interact with on a daily basis.

I'm making myself think of the Doors song again.

Now I'm thinking of "Renegade" by Styx.  Man that song rules.  I need their Greatest Hits album or something.

Maybe I should get a Ted Nugent CD also.  I'll just have to scratch up the parts of the CD that contain "Wango Tango" and "Cat Scratch Fever" just to spite my dad and his love of them on 12 hour car rides to Texas.

Can anyone say tangent?

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I need to play something.

I don't really remember what was going on when I last blabbed on about my life, so I'll start from now instead of trying to recap.

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Everyone has a list of things to do before they die.  They may not have it written down or even really have it defined in their mind, but everyone knows when they've accomplished something extremely satisfying to themselves.

I have two key cards that open doors at a nuclear reactor.  One is green and one is orange.  Soon the green one will be upgraded to a blue one.  I just have to wiggle them in front of a door and it opens.  It's super satisfying for me.  Not only do I feel like I'm in a video game and could be shot for my key cards at any time, but I am also an actual researcher in a nuclear reactor. 

I can scratch both having a key card to a restricted scientific area and being a research scientist off of my list.

Yes.

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I'm reasonably tired of a couple people.  I suppose it's not particularly surprising that I met one through the other.  The problem is that it's becoming apparent that we are different sorts of people.  I wonder what would happen if I just told them outright that I don't really care about them anymore.  I mean, it would be no detriment for me since I no longer want to have anything to do with them.  I just don't think I'm a big enough unapologetic douche to do so, but I guess even thinking about it makes me kind of a jerk.  I wonder if other people think about me even one tenth as much as I think about them, and by think about them I don't mean the warm sweet kind of thinking.  I mean the critical, judgmental kind of thinking.  Perhaps my preoccupation with others fuels my dissatisfaction for them. 

I think I just told myself to mind my own business in like a huge paragraph.

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Our best friend moved to New York.  He calls almost every night and it makes me miss him that much more.  He was a giant, fun loving Jew and when I compare everyone else we hang out with to him they all come up short.  At least he's keeping in touch and the fact that he calls so often leads me to believe he's made few friends and is coming back some day.  At least I hope harder than I've ever hoped before that he is.  *sigh*

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We're starting a D&D 4th edition campaign with a 12-year-old ginger boy as our DM.  Nick, one of my coworkers at the ol' nerd store, is also playing as well as two people we know from Warmachine League.  One is  an unemployed what I would term "artist" where artist means slightly messy but creative guy.  The other is a really loud 30ish dude who I hope quits before the first session.  When I read these last couple lines I think about what a motley little crew of misfits we are and I love it.  I'm sure the game will be fun regardless of whether we ever get anywhere.

I might be joining a steampunk group as well.  We'll see if that pans out for me.

On that note, I painted a bunch of my Warmachine army and am a very prideful person and will post pictures if there is sufficient interest in my doing so.

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Have I ever mentioned that I'm madly in love with this guy named Mike?  Well, I am.

We were described as "a couple of Toys 'R Us kids who just do whatever they want and are basically living a dream life because of it" and I think that sums it up well.  We do what we want and we only focus on serious problematic things when it is crucial to the continuation of us doing what we want.  It certainly does work out amazingly well 100% of the time.

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I've promised myself that Saturday night I'm going to a local gay bar and I'm going to actually talk to girls.  I'm just as awkward as any 14-year-old, just had his first hard on in public young man when it comes to girls who might actually be interested in me.  I flounder on what clothing to wear and what smells to rub on myself and what girls want.  I think it's because I know what I want and she doesn't look like me, so I assume that other women won't want me either.  Gawd, I put too much thought into everything I do.

**************Summary****************

(for those who are just joining us)

I am:
- a 21-year-old female chemical engineering senior.
- engaged to a 21-year-old male computer science senior.
- looking for a lady for us to share.
- employed at a local game store.
- currently researching for the university on ways to recycle nuclear waste and make solar energy more efficient.
- playing Warcraft 3 too much.
- playing Warmachine too little.
- painting my miniatures so much that I have developed a callus on my thumb from popping paint pots open.
- enjoying my fucking amazing life.

I've been gone for a bit.

If anyone is still out there and interested in what I have to say, just comment.

I warn you, my life is calm, relaxing and absolutely amazing, so the drama factor is so low that it might not be interesting at all.