July 21, 2008

• I'm sitting naked in this chair because our air conditioning is broken and our dehumidifier can't get water out of the air fast enough for my cloths to not stick to me from the humidity.  Ugh.  I hate Missouri in the summer.

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  Unfortunately that ginger child is (as expected) a terrible DM.  We don't know how to break it down for him.  Should we give him a few more sessions to learn the ropes or suggest he make a character and one of us take up his post?  I don't want to hurt his feelings; he did a great job for his age and doesn't deserve it.  It's just that we, as twenty-somethings, can't appreciate his "style" if you will.  *sigh*  I think it was the complete lack of roleplaying that really got to me.  He also happened to draw a large field of what appeared to be penises, but were actually trees, for us to make camp in and we all had to comment which made me think perhaps our ridiculous gutter minds weren't appropriate for a campaign lead by a 12-year-old.  Anyway, I don't know what will happen with the continuation of the campaign, but I'm glad we gave him a chance at least.

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  A friend who got married is now back from his honeymoon and moved into his new apartment.  Normally I wouldn't care at all where a friend was when determining if I wanted to hang out with him/her, but in his case it was terrible.  His roommate, who was also his ex best friend, had this insane cat that would attack without warning or provocation.  I still have scars from a time I walked by the stupid thing while talking on the phone and he clawed and bit my ankle.  As proof that the cat sucked balls, let me say that I love cats and they are my favorite animals, but I wanted to break this one's back over my knee and then feast on his heart.  Also, notice the "ex" in front of best friend there.  Tensions were high and it was always extremely awkward to go over there because you never knew when he would walk through and scowl and you would wonder if he had keyed your car on the way in.  Anyway, so finally he's moved out and is now living with his wife who, while sometimes annoying and a little too party girl for me, is way better than the roommate and his cat.  Now I can actually feel neutral to excited to go over there and play Rock Band instead of apprehensive and agitated.

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  As a pair I think we can be very intimidating.  Perhaps we are a little too intense when it comes to competitive games.  I never used to be that way, but living with Mike and playing online games and miniature war games with him has really brought out the "I want to beat the pants off you regardless of how crappy it will make you feel about your skills" attitude in me.  Consequently, if we are put in a situation where we can collaborate we do kind of own everyone else and give off a negative aura with our intensity.  Is it bad?  I don't know.  It does cause people to try harder at games, but at the same time it also takes away from the fun factor.  I guess we shouldn't be playing games with sore losers.  *shrug*

  Alcohol would have improved the night, but I ate pizza, hot dogs and brownies today without anything else in my stomach, so I don't think getting drunk would have produced enjoyable results later on.

  I always get so scared that even though I had fun, other people didn't and then that cause me to feel crappy and negates the having fun part of the event.

  Also, Mike was demoted from a pirate to a scurvy dog by the 2-year-old child of our hosts, so that's always a disappointment.

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  I got too nervous Saturday to go try and pick up the ladies.  There are a couple of problems with this.  Don't read on if you don't feel like having a TMI situation on your hands.

  I feel like perhaps for me trying to find a girl to date outside of my primary relationship, while it would be considered merely polyamory and not cheating since it was agreed upon ahead of time by the two of us, would be almost like keeping a shirt you don't wear very much but buying another and wearing it a lot more than the old shirt.  What I'm trying to say is that Mike and I don't have a lot of sex.  Maybe it's because we are busy.  Maybe it's because we've passed the blind passion portion of our relationship.  Maybe it's because birth control dulls the urge to get down.  I don't know why, but we just don't get it on like animals all that much.  However, that's not to say that I don't want to, so I feel like finding a girlfriend who would have that new relationship lust thing going on would be kind of a search for something I can't get from my primary relationship.  In that case, I kind of feel like it would be cheating because I would basically be saying, "Well, you're pretty neat and all and I'll marry you, but I want someone else to have sex with that isn't you because you aren't giving me what I want."

  Also, even though I think I'm a really neat person and I like me and I wouldn't really change too much except for me being overly douchebaggish sometimes, I still find myself unattractive and a little chunky in the stomach/butt region.  I get scared that even though Mike says he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world (which makes me cry and hug him) that if I found a girl that was prettier or nicer than me he might like her better and want to marry her instead with me being the girlfriend.  Then I think about how I would feel if I was the girl someone was trying to get into this who mutual girlfriend situation and it sounds terrible.  Even if she was way less attractive than me and had a marginal personality so I wouldn't feel threatened, I'm sure it would still make her feel terrible that we were just keeping her around as this kind of extra person, this petlike special friend, and she would never be married to either of us.  Ick.  I wouldn't want that deal, no matter how cool the couple I was joining was.

  Anyway, I guess I have a lot of growing up to do before I really understand myself enough to consider a mutual girlfriend kind of situation.  By that I mean I will probably never be ready for on because my maturing seems to have slowed it's increase to that of an asymptote at y = 0 coming up from negative infinity.  Looks like I'll be 20ish until I'm 72 and that's just not really knowledgeable enough to be trusted with something as complicated as a polyamorous relationship.

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  If I could get paid for rambling I would be sooo rich right now.

  • 12:37 am
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