July 27, 2008

• Eating less has made me very irritable and is giving me really painful headaches, but I remember this from back when I lost a lot of weight back in high school.  The first couple weeks of the diet are the roughest.  My will is strong, however, and I refuse to give in over a couple of headaches and increased douchebaggery.

  Some of my boy shorts fit more loosely than they have been and it's only been a few days, so that is a sign in itself that I'm doing well.  My goal, of course, is that magic 115 pounds that I've never weighed in my adult life.  The lightest for me was 120 pounds when I first got to college and was playing DDR and doing karate pretty much every day of the week.

  I can't wait for my favorite pair of jeans to fit again.

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  I'm definitely using on of the people I was talking about in an earlier entry for expensive stuff that I don't want to buy a copy of.  I know in my heart I should "friend break up" with this person and just let it go, but I'm not that big of a douchebag and since they continue to call me and want to hang out I don't really think they realize how I feel, so I'm just going to let it go on.  Call me passive aggressive, but I just don't like to provoke things when doing so won't really change anything in a positive way.  Even if I said, "Hey, I really don't want to be friends with you and you're just not my kind of person at all," this person wouldn't change one bit, I wouldn't change one bit and everyone would just be pissed off, I'm sure. 

  Better to let sleeping dogs lie, especially if you know that waking them up will cause them to jump up and bit you in the throat.

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  I'm so afraid that one day he will stop calling.  I'm so afraid that one day he'll be in New York and we'll be here and we'll never hear from him.  I forgot to send him his dice in the mail on Friday so it will have to wait until Monday.  I feel bad.  I feel like even such a little thing will suddenly cut the cups on a string binding us over this long distance and his voice will be silent in my life.  I'm so afraid. 

  I had a dream that he got a sex change and made a super ugly girl and Mike was like, "Hell no we aren't going to date you," and then he started crying and then I started crying and then I woke up.  It was so depressing that I started crying after I was awake and woke Mike up because I was sobbing.  What could be too much more depressing than getting a life changing surgery for someone else who then rejects you for it? 

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  I've been having lots of dreams, some where Mike is in them and some without him being involved, where I have sex with people other than him.  Most often the person is an effeminate emo male which confuses me because I'm not really in the market at all for another male.  These dreams frighten me as they seem to indicate that somewhere deep in my mind Mike isn't satisfying me so much that I actually want another male.

  I find so often that I don't understand myself at all.  I feel like my mind is this puzzle that I just can't put together.  When I'm sad or angry I often don't know why or with whom.  It gets really frustrating when I'm crying uncontrollably and I can't even answer when someone asks me what's wrong.  It's not because I'm sobbing too hard to say anything, it's just because I have no idea and don't have an answer.  I tried going to a therapist, but that just confused me more and all they do is try and shove medicine down your throat.  No, thank you, I would like to be myself and not wonder if I'm happy because I'm happy or happy because the drugs force me to be.  Not saying that I'm necessarily unhappy, just that I really don't understand why when I am.

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  I can't let it go.  I can't let that phone call go.  It seems so long ago, but at the same time it feels like it was just an hour ago.  I find myself reliving it over and over in my head sometimes, the phone call equivalent to the Big Bang in my life.  I was shattered, nothing but a pile of rubble, left with nothing and no one.  Everything I cared about was thrown away in a matter of minutes.  After that phone call everything just collapsed on itself.

  I can remember the days leading up to it.  I stopped staying with him.  I started sneaking back to my room to get on AIM.  I started avoiding people who had seen us together.  I started only deriving pleasure from talking to someone I perceived to be my savior, my Jesus, my "new and improved" everything.  Why?  Why did I do it?  Why was he on World of Warcraft that day?  Why did I snap and make so many terrible decisions?  How can I ever forgive myself.

  I suppose I often seem self confident to others.  I often display a pompous egotistical attitude that precludes not caring about anyone's opinion.  Really, I hate myself.  I have since his opinion of me stopped being positive.  I have since I couldn't talk to him anymore about anything.  I have since he started seeing me as another useless woman.  I don't care about many people's opinions, but I cared about his, however irrelevant it turned out to be in the long run.  I used to be so modest and friendly.  Now I can't muster the courage.  I attack everyone around me hoping that it will scare them enough that they won't notice my flaws and point them out.  I'm insecure constantly.  I've started having panic attacks.  I don't know how much longer I will last, really.

  I thought I was getting better.  I started ignoring my thoughts about this magically savior of mine who forsook me.  I started feeling better, little by little the universe that was my life started collecting back together after the great upheaval.  I thought ignoring the problem could solve it.  Time heals all wounds, right?  But it couldn't.  My resolve started to falter.  I couldn't stop the thoughts.  I wanted to see my savior.  I wanted to know what he was doing.  I wanted to be able to talk to him again.  I wanted to know he thought I was an amazing person again.

  Then it all flooded back, all the tears and the pain and the wasted time.  I want it all the disappear.  Why?!  Ugh, how could I have done what I did back then?  His eyes, staring back into mine.  His voice, calling out to me.  I cried so hard.  He cried so hard when I proposed.  His trust was so much easier to gain back than my own.  Can I ever trust myself again?

  Not until you trust me.  I miss you.  Call out to me.  I promise I won't hurt him again.  I'm his now, I swear.  I gave him the ring.  We have a wedding date.  I want you friendship back.  I promise things will be just like they were.  Just tell me you think I'm funny.  No one word answers.  No silent disdain.  Please, I want to hear you smile.  I want to fantasize about you again without feeling pain.  I want to imagine you growing up and looking just like Dr. House.  Please...please.  Only you can save me.

  But you never will.  I'll always be without you.  I'll always be just part of a person.  I'll be eternally broken and it's all my fault.  The worst part is you don't even care.  My apologies don't matter.  Nothing matters.

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  I want to hide from everything, but I can't.  The world doesn't stop for tears.

  • 1:09 am
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