Alright, this blog is old hat for a bit. There's a pretty good chance I won't post for an extended period of time, perhaps over a year.
However, I can't promise I will never post again because I'm like a dog back to its vomit with blogs. I'll eventually feel like updating this thing again. I just don't know when.
Peace.
Why does everything become some complicated when I'm involved? Why can't I take things at face value instead of trying to root out their deeper meaning? I always think people mean something with their words and actions that isn't apparent from them immediately. I also tend to think that the worst possible situation is the one that is taking place. Perhaps I'm a pessimist when it comes to human interactions.
I've been very surly lately. Customers at the V-Gate annoy me far more than they ever have before. My friends seem incompetent and I'm finding more and more that I lack the drive to spend time with them. Even my parents are getting a little tedious. I'm wondering if it's just nervousness from the semester starting in less than a week. I feel slightly overwhelmed. I've been putting off a lot of things and now I have to finish them all at once and it's making me a grumpy lady. This must be what it feels like when reality catches up with you.
I want to post my secrets but I feel like this blog is losing it's anonymity so I might make another. I don't know. It would be about pokemon, World of Warcraft and my constant state of indecision about my social relationships.
Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. I feel so strange so
often lately, like a cake that has too much salt added and knows it so
it cringes as people try to enjoy it. I don't think there is really
any particular reason. I mean, as humans go I suspect I'm happier than
the average, but at the same time I worry. How do other people feel?
Do they think about the same things I do? Can they understand their
own thoughts? I so rarely grasp the point behind the things I'm
thinking about that I've begun to wonder if my mind is somehow
disconnected from itself. I know there is a bridge between the two
lobes. Perhaps mine is injured or less sturdy than other people's. I
don't know.
I've been thinking about Jason a lot lately, both of them.
I
miss the one that is in New York so much! He was Mike's best friend
and a very good friend of mine and we notice his absence. He didn't
call for a couple days and we began to worry about him. Mike finally
broke down and called and the look on his face said "I miss my
boyfriend." I become so desperately attached to people that when
someone is far away I basically cry every time something reminds me of
him/her. I don't think Mike notices but when we talk about him my eyes
get wet and sometimes I have to pretend to cough to wipe the tears
away. Come back! We miss you! I'll make you Thai food and
we can all sit and eat like a little strange family!
The other
Jason is of course Mike's best friend from high school for whom I
wanted to break up with Mike in the spring of 2007 during my nervous
breakdown. He was also the subject of many previous entries. It's been so strange. One night I clung to Mike crying
about how much I missed having him as a friend and how much I hate
myself for ruining a wonderful friendship because of extreme stress.
Literally the next day he talked to Mike while he was playing World of
Warcraft like we both awoke at the same moment from the same dream.
Mike told me he asked about our engagement and I almost passed out from
sheer joy. I ran into our bedroom and started crying into my pillow
because I was so happy that he was actually speaking amiably about me.
Let me explain. Despite everything in my life being amazing I
constantly destroy myself from the inside over and over because of what
I did. I had the perfect boyfriend and the perfect friend. We were a
trio of happiness and things couldn't have been better. When I was
down I could always count of Jason to be on AIM willing to listen to my
problems. When I was happy I always had Mike to have fun with and frolic with. They were like two halves of the same person and I felt
cheated because they were separate. How could I have the perfect
boyfriend if he was two people? Of course I chose the one that I was
happy with instead of the one I sought out only while I was sad.
However, after my mother almost died and I got so depressed, suddenly I
wanted to talk to Jason and see Jason a lot more than
Mike. I ended up asking Jason to choose between me and Mike in one of
the most terrible situations of my life. Of course he chose Mike and
stopped answering my calls or talking to me on AIM. I was torn apart.
Not only had I broken up with the man of my dreams, I had
lost my other best friend. I felt so alone and only recently have I
been able to rebuild the trust and compassion I had in my relationship
with Mike. The fact that Jason asked about me and responded to me today when I talked to him
over World of Warcraft is absolutely amazing. I'm still reeling from
the shock even though we only said a few words. If there is one thing
in the world that would make me happier than anything else right now,
it would be to regain Jason's friendship and respect. I
have butterflies in my stomach just typing it down.
Semester, don't start yet. I've got so much loafing around left to do.
My life is consistently wonderful and I am in an amazing mood today. This might be a long entry just as a warning.
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I had a teleconference Tuesday with an appendage of my research group at one of the national laboratories and my professor introduced me as a "summer student who would definitely be continuing into the fall semester." I'm pretty sure my chest physically swelled with pride. I knew I was continuing on, but having my professor tell others that with such resolve really made me feel amazing. Not only that but we were complimented on our enginuity in the processes we had be carrying out and I was basically walking on clouds for the rest of the day. Collaborative research is definitely the most fulfilling and worthwhile thing that I have ever been a part of. I really don't think the career oriented part of my life could be any better at this point. *happy sigh*
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The slight drop in temperature has taken the burden off of our dehumidifier and it is working much better at the moment. Also, our air conditioner seems to be feeling better. I think perhaps the conditions a few days ago were just too extreme for the systems in place to keep a fourth floor apartment comfortable in the middle of the day.
In other apartment news, we signed up early for this year and as an incentive to do so we are allowed to choose a portion of our furnished apartment to get an upgrade. We chose the kitchen, which includes the stove and dishwasher. We also sort of don't like our couch. It's not a big deal at all, but the cushions come out when you lay down, causing you to fall into this kind of fissure at the back of the seats. I went down and asked our landlord if we could perhaps pay a small fee and have our livingroom furniture switched out in addition and he said he would get back to me. This morning (afternoon?) after I got to work I recieve a call from Mike telling me that the couch is different and so are the tables! I didn't hear anything about a price, so even though Mike says the stuff looks great I'm very worried that we will now have to pay some amount of money that was not previously agreed on. I don't really like the feel of it. I'm going to talk to our landlord about it tomorrow and see what's up. I'm hoping that he just decided that, because we always pay rent on time and are friendly and quiet with respect to other renters, the new furniture will be free, but I won't know until tomorrow... Fingers crossed.
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Man, I love the GTS in Pokemon Diamond and Pearl. I traded an eevee for a mew, a cranidos for an azelf and a spiritomb for a jirachi! Those people do not know what crappy trades they just got since all the pokemon I gave up were breedable and all the pokemon I got were legendary.
Sorry about the short break. I really don't have a lot to talk about. Life is very calm at the moment.
I suppose that's a nice thing.
Work is great. I enjoy it immensely.
Classes start in 20 days and I don't know if I'm sad that I'll have to do homework or happy that my senior year is one step closer to being over.
The only thing going wrong for me at the moment is the horrible weather!! It must be 100% humidity out there and I just hate it! I hate feeling like I'm breathing in the exhale from a winded football player and I don't like the way my skin feels like it is covered in a thin film of saliva. What's worse is that our dehumidifier is expelling warm air for some reason and our air conditioner is doing an even crappier job of cooling than before. Ugh. All I want to do is sleep and play Pokemon Leaf Green for the second time.
Phooey.
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