August 15, 2008

• Sometimes I just want to break down and cry.  I feel so strange so
  often lately, like a cake that has too much salt added and knows it so
  it cringes as people try to enjoy it.  I don't think there is really
  any particular reason.  I mean, as humans go I suspect I'm happier than
  the average, but at the same time I worry.  How do other people feel? 
  Do they think about the same things I do?  Can they understand their
  own thoughts?  I so rarely grasp the point behind the things I'm
  thinking about that I've begun to wonder if my mind is somehow
  disconnected from itself.  I know there is a bridge between the two
  lobes.  Perhaps mine is injured or less sturdy than other people's.  I
  don't know.

  I've been thinking about Jason a lot lately, both of them.  

  I
  miss the one that is in New York so much!  He was Mike's best friend
  and a very good friend of mine and we notice his absence.  He didn't
  call for a couple days and we began to worry about him.  Mike finally
  broke down and called and the look on his face said "I miss my
  boyfriend."  I become so desperately attached to people that when
  someone is far away I basically cry every time something reminds me of
  him/her.  I don't think Mike notices but when we talk about him my eyes
  get wet and sometimes I have to pretend to cough to wipe the tears
  away.  Come back!  We miss you!  I'll make you Thai food and
  we can all sit and eat like a little strange family!

  The other
  Jason is of course Mike's best friend from high school for whom I
  wanted to break up with Mike in the spring of 2007 during my nervous
  breakdown.  He was also the subject of many previous entries.  It's been so strange.  One night I clung to Mike crying
  about how much I missed having him as a friend and how much I hate
  myself for ruining a wonderful friendship because of extreme stress. 
  Literally the next day he talked to Mike while he was playing World of
  Warcraft like we both awoke at the same moment from the same dream. 
  Mike told me he asked about our engagement and I almost passed out from
  sheer joy.  I ran into our bedroom and started crying into my pillow
  because I was so happy that he was actually speaking amiably about me. 
  Let me explain.  Despite everything in my life being amazing I
  constantly destroy myself from the inside over and over because of what
  I did.  I had the perfect boyfriend and the perfect friend.  We were a
  trio of happiness and things couldn't have been better.  When I was
  down I could always count of Jason to be on AIM willing to listen to my
  problems.  When I was happy I always had Mike to have fun with and frolic with.  They were like two halves of the same person and I felt
  cheated because they were separate.  How could I have the perfect
  boyfriend if he was two people?  Of course I chose the one that I was
  happy with instead of the one I sought out only while I was sad. 
  However, after my mother almost died and I got so depressed, suddenly I
  wanted to talk to Jason and see Jason a lot more than
  Mike.  I ended up asking Jason to choose between me and Mike in one of
  the most terrible situations of my life.  Of course he chose Mike and
  stopped answering my calls or talking to me on AIM.  I was torn apart. 
  Not only had I broken up with the man of my dreams, I had
  lost my other best friend.  I felt so alone and only recently have I
  been able to rebuild the trust and compassion I had in my relationship
  with Mike.  The fact that Jason asked about me and responded to me today when I talked to him
  over World of Warcraft is absolutely amazing.  I'm still reeling from
  the shock even though we only said a few words.  If there is one thing
  in the world that would make me happier than anything else right now,
  it would be to regain Jason's friendship and respect.  I
  have butterflies in my stomach just typing it down.

  Semester, don't start yet.  I've got so much loafing around left to do.

  • 11:31 am
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