I find myself drifting back to this blog only when things have taken some kind of turn in my life.

My best friend is moving back from New York and I am going to see him on the weekend of November 7th.  Thank goodness for that.  I really need to sit and talk to him for a bit and remember what it is like to be listened to and not scoffed at in private after I have already left.  It's so frustrating living here sometimes.  I thought that a bigger town would mean more diversity in human life, and it did to a point, but I find myself lost in a sea of people who live every possible way except for the way I live.  Perhaps I am simply too strange for my own good.  Perhaps I'm boring or annoying or horribly ugly or some such thing and no one has ever had the courage or heart to let me know.  I don't know.  I just find myself meeting, getting to know and then slowly distancing myself from all the people in my life.  It could also be that I am preparing myself subconsciously for the day when I have to move away from them all.  Whatever it is, I'm more than mildly lonely at the moment.

I have several groups of friends here, but for some reason a void has developed in my soul that none of them could fill.

A big problem with one of the groups is that they are all humanities majors.  None of them could take the integral of a curve or tell me what the physical significance of said operation would be.  That's not a problem, except that they are also deeply engaged in politics, a subject I find so completely boring and often offensive that I waste no more time than necessary thinking about it.  If I were to say that to any of them I'm sure they would be deeply offended and instantly dismiss me as "ignorant" or something along those lines.  I'm sorry that I don't get pleasure out of constantly investigating the political climate of this country.  Call me closeminded if you want.  Call me lazy if you want.  I just stick to what comes naturally to me, that being math and science, and no, political "science" does not fall into that category for me.  I have opinions, but I don't feel like those opinions should rule others' lives by any measure.  I have no problem with gay marriage and I support a woman's right to choose what she does with her own body, but does that mean everyone in the country should feel the exact same way as I do?  No, not at all.  Nor does it mean that by electing an official who feels that way will I be able to exercise my opinion over others more effectively.  The decisions still rest with the people.  I don't vote for presidents.  I vote for laws, I vote for bills, I vote for things that actually matter.  The country isn't made amazing by a president or any single person, it is made amazing by free thinking individuals who participate in the creation of the laws this society follows.  Anyway, I guess I'm just going through a phase where I don't want to talk about politics with others because it just causes tensions.  I hate feeling tense and awkward.  Therefore, I've been trying to avoid the above stated group of friends.

Another problem is that I have not time for friends.  Heck, I barely have time to have sex with my boyfriend, let alone hang out with other people.  I'm applying to graduate schools and writing my statements of purpose and doing homework and working three jobs and my wants and needs are often lost in the void of obligations and responsibilities.  I just have to keep telling myself that after this it's just one more semester and then off to graduate school.  But then I start thinking things like will I get in or will I be able to afford a move or will my boyfriend be able to find work where the college is or blah blah blah and pretty soon I'm having a panic attack.  There's just too much to think about right now and I just need to relax and let things happen as they will.

I'm taking the GRE on Saturday.  Cross your fingers.