I much enjoy breaks.  Whenever there is no new classwork being assigned and whenever everyone who could be telling me what to do has gone off to eat turkey in some far away town my mind is left to wander about in worlds uncharted, free from distillation columns and heat exchangers and deadlines and papers and reports and anger and contempt and frustration.  When I wake up in the morning I think about what I am going to eat and what pornography I'm going to nervously click about in instead of what homework I need to bring with me before running out the door and down the stairs frantically making my way to the engineering buildings.  I remember the good instead of the bad.  I smile instead of sighing and shrugging.  I take pictures.  I go shopping on a whim.  I do all these things because I have time to pursue them properly.

One of my favorite things that I never do when things are busy is read manga.  I can't read a normal book without pictures until summer because week long breaks don't reawaken enough of the portion of my brain that concentrates on sculpting new worlds around me, but I can get through a manga or two (or twenty) when I know I won't have anything to do for a couple days.  In addition to rereading Loveless, I also went scrounging around for something new.  I posted on my livejournal asking for suggestions and was offered several options, settling on The Tyrant Falls in Love and Love Neco.  Both are yaoi, so don't click if you can't take it.  I just gave links in case anyone was interested.  The Tyrant Falls in Love is amazing and I immediately freaked out and downloaded the entire thing.  Anyway, that's not the point.  The point is that whenever I read yaoi manga I can't help but remember.

I can't help but remember him.

You would think it would be painful, but I enjoy the memories flooding back.  I want to remember them.  I'm just afraid of him and myself and what I did and if I would ever do it again.  His eyes, his voice, his body...I want to remember them all.  I gets harder as time passes.  I don't remember him as clearly.  I can't picture his face perfectly, like my vision is blurred, and often his voice is hard to make out like we are standing on mountain tops shouting at one another, but I remember.  I keep him locked up inside my heart.  The wounds have healed, but the scars that are left stay my hand when I think about getting on AIM or whispering him in WoW.  I removed him from my friends lists, but that doesn't erase his screen names from my memory.  His phone number is still on my phone.  It's right below another friend who shares his first name.  I think about calling him and leaving a message like I meant to call the other person in the hopes that he would call back and tell me about the mistake I made and I could giggle and apologize and revel in hearing his voice again.  I remember the way he always wore long sleeve shirts with four or five buttons at the top and always left three unbuttoned, like he wanted someone to unbutton the rest.  That's the most vivid memory I have, and I don't know why.  I like to hang on to the little things about him, hoping that together they won't allow me to forget the big things.

He's the kind of person who leaves you with nothing.  He doesn't want to talk.  He doesn't want to work it out.  He won't say he never wants to see you again.  He never says anything.  You're left with a void where he was that you can't get rid of because he won't let you, a crippling hunger to know what he is thinking, feeling, wondering.

Taking himself away from me took away the fantasy.  I beat my mind into submission, reducing the bustling city that was my feelings for him to rubble.  I destroyed a part of myself from the inside.  I think that's the hardest wound to heal from.  I threw all the dreams away, as far as I could throw them.  I told myself over and over that thinking of him was the worst sin I could commit.  I told myself I didn't want to take pictures of him posing nude.  I told myself I didn't want to run my fingers through his hair.  I told myself I didn't want to hold him softly in the evening when no one was around and we both had nothing to do.  I lied to myself over and over and over until I believed my own lies...but being lied to by your own thoughts, it's so painful.  After that I didn't want anyone to touch me or smile at me or kiss me or hug me or hold me or even tell me I looked nice.  The betrayal was too much.  I couldn't even look anyone in the eyes after that.

I miss him.  Maybe I'm a masochist, running his memories through my mind over and over, but like I said, I welcome the ability to do so.  I thought I would never feel the same again.  I thought the punishment I inflicted upon myself would leave me crippled, unable to love or become aroused or really do anything that reminded me of the feelings I had for him ever again.  That's why I want to remember.  It means something's changed.  Perhaps it means my heart is remembering, too.  Maybe it will remember how to reach out to people and love them like it used to.

I used to love everyone.  I'm not exaggerating.  I have such a fascination with friendship and love and human relationships that I often can't understand why I am shuffling about in the engineering buildings learning how to react and produce chemicals.  I would fall in love with complete strangers so often that it was almost embarrassing.  I used to blush on an hourly basis because of my thoughts about classmates.  I would sit around and imagine conversations and situations that would lead to sex with any number of people that I had met on any given day.  I lived in a wonderful dreamland where everyone was amazing and interesting and worth my time.  Then he left me alone.  I gave him my heart and he crushed it.  I became cold and emotionless and wretched.  I wanted everyone to feel the same way.  After destroying my ability to dream about him, I started to think that loving anyone was an invitation to ruin yourself.  I became so bitter.  I hated seeing couples walking hand in hand.  Friends laughing together infuriated me.  I looked on my boyfriend as a burden and a curse instead of the perfect creature that he really is.  I wanted even him to feel alone and brutalized.

Perhaps I'm not being clear.  I have only ever truly loved two people.  One lives in my tiny apartment with me.  The other is the one for whom I ripped my life apart and got nothing in return.  And when I say "truly loved" I don't mean it lightly.  I mean that I loved them so deeply and was so utterly entranced by them both that I would have done anything for them.  I mean that I could not find a single flaw with either of them.  I mean that I could not imagine my life without either of them.  I mean that without even a second thought I would pledge my life to save either of theirs, regardless of the situation.

When someone you care so deeply about suddenly disappears from your life...well, I'm sure I'm not the only person who knows what this feels like, not by a longshot.

But oh how this entry has gotten brooding and angsty.  What I meant to convey is that something is different.  Something has changed, very recently, within the last few days even.  Perhaps it is the break.  Perhaps it is having time for porn.  Perhaps it is a combination of things that have reawakened something inside me and set me free from the shackles I put myself in so long ago.

When I see couples walking hand in hand I smile and close my eyes, savoring their happiness.  I take snapshots with my mind of attractive people to remember and enjoy later.  If you are reading this I've probably fallen back in love with you, blushing that you care enough to get to this point in the entry instead of cursing you because you are wasting time caring about me.  I even made my boyfriend dress up, tossed him on the bed and took pictures (yes, dirty ones) of him this morning.  Something's different.

When I saw him today, in my mind, my heart didn't ache.  My stomach didn't turn.  I just imagined him and me sitting next to one another and chattering about nothing at our laptops while my boyfriend played Street Fighter on the couch.  It was a happy memory.  There was no pain.  There was no sorrow.  Nothing felt wrong.  Everything was fine.  The we ate lunch at Panera.  I was so happy.  We all sat so close.  We were smiling and laughing and I was so happy.

Something is different.  Something is better. I'm so happy.

*Oh my gosh I'm such a chatterbox!*

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We're so disappointed.  Our kitchen is so small and we went over to a friend's house and she cooked such a wonderful meal and we can't return the favor.  My boyfriend and I talked about the evening on the way home and about how much fun it would be to have our hosts over for Rock Band and dinner to repay them, but then we both looked and each other and then sighed, thinking of our stupid tiny kitchen.  Apartments are no place to entertain.  I can't wait until we buy a house and fill it with our life.  I want a big kitchen with granite countertops and a big stove and a beautiful table to entertain guests.  I love to cook and I always make too much and I just wish I could bring people over for dinner.  It would be so wonderful. 

Just one more semester.

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In other news, as if I haven't rambled enough...

...I HIT MY 10% GOAL!!!  I've been going to Weight Watchers meetings for eight weeks now and I've finally lost 10% of my body weight!  I started at 135 pounds and I'm down to 121!!  Only three more pounds and I'll be at my target weight.  I feel so beautiful and sexy!  Unfortunately, I have only two pairs of pants that fit and a handful of shirts.  Even more unfortunately, I've only managed to save about $500 for a new wardrobe.  *sigh*  Regardless, once I've outfitted myself with all new clothing I will have to go on a picture spree and post my transformation.  I'm so excited!!

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My boyfriend looks like he jump off the pages of a manga.  Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to him.  He's a living fantasy.

1)  Left 4 Dead is amazing and well worth the money for the almost limitless replay value.  I'm calling it the next Counterstrike.  I'm terrible at FPS games but I'm still having a grand ol' time.

2)  Thank Heyzeus for both Friday and Thanksgiving break.

3)  I'll make a better longer entry later when I feel like not loafing around.

People are so negative about World of Warcraft.  I often look around at other MMOs just in case something catches my eye and I decide to switch.  Every single forum is useless for every single MMO because eventually any conversation erupts into a battle between WoW players and WoW haters.  WoW players are like, "This game's totally copying our game," and then WoW haters are like, "We fucking hate you and your fucking game," and then WoW players are like, "But our game is like the most original game ever!" and then WoW haters are like, "NUH UH because you copied off of Lord of the Rings!" and it goes on and on and on and it's the exact same thing on every website!!  I just want to learn about the stupid MMO that's coming out, maybe get some commentary on what kind of combat system it has or if the English version will be well translated or if there will be web support and all I can find is how much everyone who doesn't play WoW hates everyone who does.

Here's the deal, for all those little bitches who can't do anything but hate each other and who forget that all the MMOs, ALL OF THEM, are just games:

1)  Lord of the Rings was the original fantasy story that presented us with the basis for race and class in almost every game.  But even it is not original.  Parts and pieces were pulled from many different myths and legends, especially Norse mythology, to create those stories and flesh out the world.

2)  Dungeons and Dragons was the original role playing game.  That means that no matter who you are or what your are doing, if you are making an RPG of any kind you are copying off of Dungeons and Dragons which copied off of Lord of the Rings which copied off of Norse mythology, so don't get fucking high and mighty about your stupid game being the "original" MMO because nothing is original except those vikings that made the shit up in the first place to describe their world.

3)  Why do you care so much if people do/don't play WoW?!  What does it matter?  There are already like a bazillion players and I think that proves that the game isn't all bad.  Either play your other MMO, play WoW, or play nothing at all, but please shut up about which of those three options you picked because it doesn't matter!!  I especially mean this to WoW players.  You know your game is good, you know you want to play it, you know millions of other people feel the same way.  Why the fuck do you rag on other peoples' game choices so hard?  You are already vindicated.  Your battle is already won.  Shut up already!!

4)  Telling someone that they are stupid for paying to play a game is short sighted.  Think of it this way.  I pay $15 a month to know that my game will be supported by the company that made it, that it will receive frequent patches to keep it running smoothly, that I will be able to understand the game because it supports all the languages of those who play (unlike many free MMOs which are so terribly translated that I can't play them) and that it will always be worth my $15 for those things.  If, someday, Blizzard stops supporting WoW in favor of a newer MMO, I will immediately quit playing.  Until then, I appreciate how easy and fun it is to play and that is worth the money.  I tried a free MMO because it looked really fun.  It was called Flyff and you were supposedly able to get some kind of little flying board so that you could fly around in the sky and that sounded really silly and cool.  I downloaded it and started playing.  I had no clue what was going on.  The translation was sooo bad that nothing made sense.  I finally found an English forum that gave instructions on how to play and how to get your little sky board, but a game is no fun when you have to continuously switch back and forth between your game and instructions because the entire game is lost to the frustration of trying to figure it out at it's most basic level.  I also tried a game called Ragnarok Online or something like that.  That game was fun...I guess, but after you leveled up a bit you started having to pay money (real money) to pick up new quests so that eventually you were left with only killing wildlife to progress in the game unless you wanted to pay.  Free my ass.  So in summary, I don't pay without reason.  If WoW suddenly disappeared I would not start playing a free MMO.  I would pick another pay to play MMO because they are just better in all respects.  So bleh.

Sorry, I just get really angry sometimes.

I normally try to resist these types of things because if I did every one that someone sends me I would have no life other than answering surveys, but this one is just too silly for me to pass up.

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names)

Ann Michael

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's mom)

Wilma Clyde

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)

Trkath

4.DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color, fav animal)

Lavender Lion

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live)

Faye Linn

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav alcoholic drink, add "THE" to the beginning)

The Teal Amaretto Shot

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)

Kaaw

8. GANGSTA NAME: ( fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie):

Coconut Thumbprint

9.ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet's name, current street name)

Buster University

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)

Muffie Cornflower

So I don't think I posted this.  I got a 780 on the quantitative portion of the GRE, a high enough score to not raise any red flags when my applications to college are being processed.

I really want to get into Cornell.

I really really want to get into Cornell.

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I went to a gay bar with a friend last night because there was a drag show.  I must give off too much of a straight vibe because men were scoping my ass like no tomorrow and women were steering clear.  I'm not too disappointed, though.  All the cute ones had little arm bands that indicated they were under 21, and some of them looked to be in high school, so I didn't want to get myself into any trouble by accident.  I'll be moving away from Columbia come the middle of summer anyway, so I don't think I could do that to some 18-year-old cutie.

It was fun nonetheless and I really enjoyed the drag show.  I'll probably be going back next Thursday just because the dancing that followed is good exercise and I like the atmosphere.

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I'm going to play World of Warcraft all night tonight and try to get my new death knight to 60.

The best way to know if someone is a real friend or not is to get in a fight with them.  Perhaps that sounds counter intuitive, but it makes a lot of sense if you really ponder it for a moment.  Say you and your friend get into a pretty sizable scuffle.  You both get really mad and stay that way for a couple days.  Then your temper cools and you try to talk to your friend.  The three most common scenarios are:

1)  Your friend responds in kind and you work things out.
2)  Your friend ignores you and continues to ignore you with no sign of ever speaking to you again.
3)  Your friend responds by telling you they never want to talk to or see you again.

Of course, the real friend reacts as the person in situation one did.  But, between situation two and situation three, which would you prefer.  I'll give you a moment to think.
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I would chose the third option.  Why, you might ask, considering the friend who is ignoring you didn't say anything mean or cruel back?  Well, at least I know where the friend (ex-friend) in situation three stands.  I know what is expected of me.  I know what they want and I know what to do.  In situation two, the person is being rude, cowardly and leaving you with no resolution to the fight.  When someone tells you they never want to see you again, you aren't left wondering how they really feel.  You know.  On the other hand, when someone stops responding to you and ignores anything you try to do to fix what happened, then they really have no sympathy for you and they probably never did.  A true friend, even a friend scorned, would at least tell you how they were feeling about the situation instead of leaving everything up in the air.

In summary, I would much rather have someone tell me our friendship is over than have them imply so with silence.  My fiance said in response to this quandary, "Katie, why do you worry so much about people who won't talk to you?  If they don't want to take the time to work things out, why are you putting any effort into doing so yourself and even more why are you worrying about it.  It's not your fault people suck huge sweaty balls all the time."

Every time I'm a real jerk I'm never given the chance to apologize.  If that's the case, why does the concept of apology even exist?  No one ever wants one.  Everyone just wants to stay mad forever and I hate it.  Is anger really easier because I don't believe that.  What do you think?  Am I being too demanding?  Should I be content with silence and move on with my life, leaving yet another injured friendship bleeding on the ground behind me?