December 2, 2008
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Something is making me uneasy.
There is so much going on right now that I couldn't really tell you what exactly is causing this tightness in my chest, but I can say that I've never felt this uneasy before.
Graduate school is coming. I thought I would be excited, but with each passing day I become more and more worried. Was it the right choice? Should I have applied for jobs instead? Should I have applied for jobs in addition? What if I pick the wrong school? Is there a wrong school? How hard will it be to find a place to live for a reasonable price? Will I like the town? Will I make new friends? Will I find new lovers? Will my life fall apart? Will I fall apart? Will I ever make a difference for the future of this planet or will it all be futile?
I'm so afraid. I feel something I'll describe as paralysis of the soul. Whenever I start thinking about my future I just go blank and my chest tightens and I don't know what to do. I'm beginning to doubt everything, my choice of major, my choice of schools, my choice of fiances, my choice of everything. When did I become so utterly scattered? When did my resolve melt away like butter in the sun? Am I really this helpless?
I can't stop thinking. I can't stop worrying. I can't stop myself. I think this semester needs to end and I need to take a real break, during which I literally do nothing important.
Comments (1)
It's normal to feel this way before a huge change like finishing undergrad and moving on. But you're an intelligent and capable person, and I know that no matter what happens, you will succeed.
I am super cheesy and corny and lame, but it is true. You will be fine, but it's definitely understandable that you are feeling the way you are. The unknown is scary. But people do it all every day...it can't be that hard if the average masses can handle it, right?
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