December 13, 2008

• "Better" is the best way to describe how I feel right now.  I think I've calmed down quite a bit and I've been trying to stay positive instead of focusing on the negative.

  Things have just been...well...kind of crappy for the last few weeks.  It wasn't ever really anything big, just lots of little things that together add up to one big terrible mood.  One of the main things was that I had to put up with that horrible racist sexist professor several days a week and it was really starting to grate on my last nerve.  Kind of a last straw moment with him was when he suggested I was going to get a C in his class even though I got a 90% on two of four tests in his class and got in the high seventies on the other two.  What a mother fucker.  Something else was that I've had some friend trouble recently, nothing big, that was just kind of annoying me.  One of my best friends really embarrassed me in public along with a couple of my other close friends and it really frustrated me, but I didn't say anything to him at the time and that frustrated me even more with myself.  Another thing is that the people I asked for letters of recommendation haven't written them yet and the colleges I applied to started asking me why.  It really made me feel like a fool, but at the same time how are you going to force people to do you a favor and expect good results.  On top of that I've been worried lately about my sexual preferences.  I often think, and I know this is too much information for some of you but just deal, that I should have been born a man and that I wish I had a penis and chest hair and if I did I would be the singer in a southern rock band and I would wear gaudy vintage clothing like bell bottoms and shirts with huge collars and leave them unbuttoned at the top so everyone could see my chest hair.  Then I think about the future and wonder if there will ever be a day when I just can't take being a woman anymore and will get a sex change...after getting married and having kids, leading to a divorce and the ruination of the lives of my children.  I know, I think too much.

  With all those thoughts in my head, on Wednesday when a to-go order was taking too long and I was going to be late for work, I suddenly couldn't help myself from crying.  I ran out into the car and sobbed for the first time in months.  I felt really good.  I felt a weight lifted off of my heart, like I had been holding that crying inside and it was wrapped around my heart like chains.  After that, things got better.  I finished the last test in the last class I had with that awful professor and I never have to see him in a classroom setting again.  I talked with the other people in the social situation when I was so embarrassed and found that they felt the same way and that I wasn't the only person who was extremely uncomfortable.  I visited all the people I asked to write letters to gently reminded them of my request but also just to catch up and it was really nice finding out that I wasn't forgotten and that they were just busy like everyone else around finals.  My mom called and talked to me for like an hour yesterday and when I told her I cried in a car she asked what about and I explained how I've been feeling about my body.  She talked me through everything and really made me feel better about my thoughts.  I have so many people in my life that care so much about me and it amazes me.  I would say I don't deserve it, but I've been trying to think positive, so I will instead say that I appreciate it more than they could know and want to do everything in my power to support them the same way they support me.

  So, like I said, things are better right now.  I know they will continue to get better just like they always do.

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  Yesterday night was pretty much amazing.  An old friend that I haven't seen in ages came down from Kansas City and threw a Stepmania party for all the old DDR Club members.  I had so much fun just hanging out and talking with everyone and jump-fighting with Ben and playing Stepmania and watching people play Stepmania that I wish it could happen every day.  It makes me so sad to think that when I go to grad school there is a chance I will never see some of those people again.  At least the internet exists and I can hopefully stay connected even in the tiniest way because of facebook and blogs and whatnot, but it won't be the same.  I won't just be able to go over and watch movies with them whenever I want or play Rock Band with them in this tiny apartment.  I won't be able to go out and eat with them when we're all hungry and not busy.  I will miss everyone so much...

  Enough of that.  My best girlfriend also attended the party and we made plans to go shopping for pants some time during finals week.  I still only have two pair that fit and am now down almost 14 pounds.  She was also talking with someone about going to the gym, so we made plans to go on Sunday.  This other person is about 5'0" and weights over 200 pounds and even though she may be one of the most annoying people on the planet, even I can see the benefit of supporting her in her efforts to go to the gym.  She may be annoying, but I'm sure there is someone out there who is annoying in the same way and who would be perfect for her...except that she might be overlooked because of her appearance.  My friend and I agreed to go with her and work out, and you know, honestly, I think she could be almost cute if she lost about 70 pounds, and while that sounds like a lot she'll never get there if she doesn't start somewhere.  Even if she talks about how obsessed she is with Star Trek: The Next Generation or how she is so in love with Data, I won't mind because as long as she is working out and drawing strength from having others to work out with her, I'll be satisfied that it was time well spent.

  Another person attended the party and did something I think is absolutely the most rude thing you can possibly do.  He came in and I waved and shouted his name because I hadn't seen him in a while and he didn't even acknowledge me.  He didn't talk to me the whole party.  Then, THEN, when he left he looked at me and said something about how I never call and then says I should call him.  Here's the thing, if someone doesn't call you and you want to hang out with them, you call them or message them or whatever.  If you don't call someone and they want to hang out with you, they call you or message you.  If you don't or they don't, well...you aren't really that great of friends in the first place.  What he should have said was, "I don't really want to hang out with you ever again, but I'm trying to make it sound like I do so you aren't mad at me."  Well, sorry buddy, but you won't be getting a phone call from me because I honestly couldn't care less if I never saw you again.  You are a cheating, selfish, rude jerk with any annoying wife that I only hung out with once I realized these things because you had Rock Band.  Now that I have Rock Band, I see no reason to put myself through the frustration of hanging out with you.  What's more is that this morning I checked my facebook and noticed that he had created an event for a sushi making party thrown for his girlfriend's birthday and that I hadn't been invited.  Uh, so you want me to call you, yet you didn't invite me to a party you are throwing even though I've attended those kinds of parties with you before and it would have been a great way to get back in touch.  Yeah, I totally going to call you.  What an asshat.

  Aside from that little nasty spot, everything else about the party was wonderful!  It really made me think about the past, about starting the DDR Club, about friendships made and lost, about all the things that have happened and about how my life has evolved since high school.  When I first started applying to graduate school I thought to myself, "Man, it will be so great to get away from this place after four years of torturing myself!" but when I really look back on my years here at Mizzou...well, I can hardly deny that I had an absolutely amazing time and met so many great people that I will miss so badly when I'm gone that it hurts to think about.  Sure, I fucked some stuff up.  I lost a couple friends, I made some people cry, I caused some people to feel really super awkward about how I look at them, but that stuff is so small compared to all the good things that happened.  I met my soul mate.  I've made what I would call "lifelong" friends who even after years of not seeing one another would still want to hang out and catch up.  I'll get a degree in chemical engineering with a respectable GPA.  I've impressed many professors and made some good contacts.  I've learned a lot about myself and my own mind.  I've tutored an assortment of students, most of which benefited from my efforts.  I've made a difference in the lives of a few children.  I've even learned how to cook.  Honestly, I can't imagine doing anything differently and having it turn out any better than it did.

  Gosh I get sappy when I have a lot to say.  I should make posts more often to break up the sappy factor a bit.

  • 1:44 pm
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