December 15, 2008

• I woke up this morning and rolled over to face the alarm clock.  I tossed the fabric that hides its bright display at night and found that I had opened my eyes about two minutes before my alarm was set to go off.  Does anyone else have this happen all the time?  It's not like I get up at the same time every day or anything.  In fact, I often get up at really random times throughout the week, yet somehow I always manage to wake up just before my alarm goes off.

  I wonder if I was born with some strange affinity for alarm clocks.  Perhaps my mind is operating in just the right way so as to be synchronized with every alarm clock on the planet.  Or perhaps my absolute hatred of all annoying repetitive noises has trained my brain to avoid them at all costs.  I just find it interesting.

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  Going to the gym with that really annoying girl was not that bad at all.  Granted, she was still very annoying and tried to explain to me that because her father is an electrical engineer in the air force global warming isn't happening.  She also suggested that she was going to lose seventy pounds by just exercising and not changing her diet when I suggested she come to a Weight Watchers meeting for free.  However, I let her complete lack of common sense or open mindedness slide because I got a really great workout and hearing her talk about how all the things I am currently doing, like watching what I eat and all that, are stupid and pointless really motivated me to lose the last three or four pounds I need to lose.  I found myself running longer than I normally would have and doing more reps that I usually would have and that is always nice.  We discussed a more routine work out schedule for next semester and I think the three of us might start doing it every Sunday.  I'm hoping that after several weeks of seeing my friend and I work out and talk about eating right, she might pick up a few good health habits without us actually telling her to do so.  Whether she does or doesn't, I'll be getting a really good work out once a week at least.

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  I feel like I have redeemed myself. 

  Last time there was a research group end of the semester get together I brought my boyfriend and he got nervous and wanted to leave immediately after we finished eating.  Not wanting him to feel awkward, I got up and informed our host that we had to leave for another party, which we did...sort of in like two hours...and then we just left.  It was so awkward and I felt so weird for eating and running that I couldn't look my professor in the eyes for a couple days.

  This time, however, I left him at home and went by myself so I wouldn't feel obliged to leave on his behalf.  I stayed until the other guests left and had a very nice time.  Hopefully this time erases the last embarrassing situation and my professor's wife will remember me as the girl who ate two pieces of her cake and thanked her profusely instead of the girl who shuffled off after an abbreviated farewell and didn't even stay for dessert.

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  I should elaborate on a couple of things.

  1)  I ate so much tonight at my professor's house.  I currently feel absolutely disgusting.  I've found that since I've been going to Weight Watchers meetings I feel so much more guilty about everything I eat and I while it keeps me from eating too much most of the time...it also makes me feel horrible another portion of the time.  What I'm trying to say is that when I got home I thought about throwing up and was then sickened by myself that much more.  That really scares me and I'm not sure how to handle this new mental development.  It seems like my deficiencies multiply daily.  Perfectionism, depression, codependency, bipolar disorder, and now a fleeting smudge of bulimia.  And the worst part is that I know I have problems, yet I can't seem to correct any of them.  I feel helpless and trapped and insane so much of the time.  Of the people I've known throughout my life, I am one of the worst at dealing with other humans in a normal and reasonable manner and even though I desire more than anything to change that part of me, not matter what I do I draw the same awkward card from the deck of social interaction every time.  It's because I can't let go.  I know it is.  I can't let it go and I can't move on and it's crippling me.

  2)  If I have more fun at social gatherings when I leave my boyfriend at home...what does that mean?  At that party I was talking about in my most recent non-trivial entry, he had to go home and work on one of his end of semester projects.  After he left, I had way more fun.  If I had to use a numerical value, I would probably say about five times more fun than I had while we were both there.  He's just so shy and sometimes he almost makes fun of me when I'm talking.  It's subtle, but when I say something kind of silly, instead of treating it as a joke the way I meant it, he almost apologizes to the person I was talking to, like he's embarrassed I said anything.  I mean, I can't think of too many other things that can ruin a conversation faster than being interrupted by someone saying, "Oh, she didn't mean that.  She's just kidding.  Don't listen to her."  I've actually had friends approach me after he does something like that and ask me why I put up with it.  I really don't have an answer.  I guess I'm just so used to him crapping on my parade that it's become second nature to just roll with the punches.  Other friends have referred to him as a "friend by proxy" because they would never have become his friend unless he was my boyfriend.  It's gotten to the point that I either want to hang out with him or with other people, but not both at the same time and that can't be the sign of a good relationship.  Why are we getting married again?  Oh right, because I frantically proposed to him because I thought it would make me love him again.  Did it work?  Honestly, I don't know.  I'm such an idiot.

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  My mom said on the phone to remember that he loves me with all his heart and everyone can tell.  Does he?  Can they?  I really question that sometimes because I my thoughts are so convoluted.  How can I really figure anything out when I'm struggling with the most basic things, like my own gender?  I want to be a stable, normal person and I know everyone has their flaws and their quirks, but must I be gifted with such an overabundance of them?  Can't I just have a mind that matches my body?  Can't I just be in love with the person I used to call my soul mate without a second thought?  Can't everything just work out?  I guess without great hardship there is no great satisfaction and really my hardships are almost trivial compared to many other peoples', yet I can't shake this funk that I so often slip into.  I can't stop thinking about all the negatives and focus on the positives.  Maybe because I've lost sight of what was positive about my life and I'm so deeply involved in analyzing the negative that I've forgotten how to be satisfied.

  Ugh.  Maybe I'll find some pants this week.

  • 1:42 am
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