December 17, 2008
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I remember back in high school I was always the person you came to if you had some kind of complicated problem. People always sought me out for advice on relationships, friendships, fights, homework, career plans, etc. and it always made me feel really powerful and worthwhile as a human being. I think everyone chose me because the school was small and I was infamous for finishing geometry tests in 10 minutes and still receiving perfect scores. For some reason at my tiny rural high school knowledge of mathematics was correlated with understanding the universe and therefore being able to give good advice.
College is so different. When I got here I honestly felt unprepared for the new world I had thrown myself into. I had never seen an Indian person face to face before. I had never heard anyone speaking Chinese. I had never seen men holding hands who weren't just making a joke about how nasty gay people are. I felt so ignorant and realized that I really knew nothing about the world around me and all that wisdom I was supposed to have was really a figment of everyone's imagination. I found myself unable to deal with my own problems because they grew to complicated for mathematical precision to solve them. Being free to be myself opened up a veritable "can of worms" inside my mind, allowing me to break the hold of the oppressive opinions held by denizens of my former home. I was allowed to look at girls in a sexual way without feeling dirty or disgusting. There were other people who felt the same way I did, and what's more, I wasn't the person who knew the most about...well, really anything. I guess it was rather liberating, in a way, but I grew to miss that feeling of being needed by someone. I missed it when a girl I barely knew would pull me aside in a hallway and say something like, "I hear you know a lot about relationships..." and I would feel so amazing and brilliant and important when, after talking with her, she tearfully thanked me and smiled happily, relieved that someone was there to talk to her. I made a lot of strange friends that way, friends who would normally have been too popular/goth/shy/etc. for us to have gotten to know each other.
Then I met my boyfriend and I felt needed again. Suddenly there was this person who wanted to see me 24/7 and who needed help with his mathematics homework. We spent every minute we could together, getting to know one another, watching movies together, playing games together, seeing each other naked for the first time, everything. That's why I love this blog! I go back to the first entries and they fill me with a wonderful joy because I'm remembering falling in love with my soul mate the way it really was. I need things in writing sometimes because the human brain twists memories as years go by and you are left unsure of what really happened and what you imagined happening. Anyway, that first year at college was definitely one of the most amazing years of my life, followed closely by the second year when he and I started the DDR Club. I can attribute every good friend I have right now to that silly club, because even me working at the V-Gate came about because one of the guys who came to the DDR Club introduced us to playing Legend of the Five Rings down there. So what if last year and this year haven't been super great? How can they top my freshman and sophomore years? I should just be thankful that I have those times to reflect on and remember that without great sadness, there is no great happiness.
I'm really glad I decided to go back through and read my old entries on this blog, too. I just got to thinking, "Was I always such a horrible jaded bastard the way I am now? Was I always second guessing every step and worrying constantly about every little thing in my life?" Of course the answer was a resounding no and the only real difference back then was that I trusted myself and my own thoughts and didn't berate myself every two seconds about something trivial. I also highlighted the positive things about my life instead of dwelling on the negative ones. I want to get back to that, because it was an amazing way to live.
Consequently, last night I told my boyfriend I loved him without any alterior motives or thinking to myself if I really meant it. I do mean it. There's no reason why I wouldn't. I just like to make up reasons because if I don't there is no reason for me to complain. Why have I become so accustom to being dissatisfied? I'll tell you why, because I started letting only my mind do the thinking instead of listening to my heart chip in its two cents as well. I stopped analyzing my emotions and trying to understand them before jumping head first into something. When you go only on cold hard fact life becomes rather hollow and I think that's where I've been for the last couple years. I've been in the hollowed out shell of my soul, wondering where all the emotion went. I'm going to get it back. I'm going to bring back the color and splendor of my soul and I'm not going to let myself languish sadly forever because I trust my brain more than my heart. Even moreso I'm not going to let that languishing effect the people I love anymore. I want to be happy for myself of course, but for everyone else, too.
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In other news I had a really nice lunch with my boss and I'm getting better at racquetball, albeit slowly.
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