September 23, 2009

• Last night I had this really amazing dream.  Basically, a caveman from another dimension was going to my old high school and got onto the football team (even though we didn't have one) because he was the size of a gorilla, but that wasn't the point of the dream.  That just explains why he was constantly wearing a football helmet.  Being a caveman he was unconcerned with pretty much anything but eating food and having sex, so he ended up trying to seduce all the women he met at the high school.  It was only my high school in a very slight kind of "emotional" way in that I felt like I had been there before, so I didn't know any of the people in my dream.  The main girl in the dream was a cheerleader, not the leader of the squad, but one of the pretty good ones, not like the stereotypical goth girl who got onto the squad but is shunned by the other members.

  Anyway, the dream basically went along with the caveman ferociously hitting on the cheerleader and her subsequently falling in love with him after she realizes he's just the guy she's always wanted, but it was really sweet.  I remember in the dream that everything seemed really stereotypical of some teen drama except for the interactions between the caveman and the cheerleader.  It was like the whole world in the dream was black and white and they were in color.  Honestly it reminded me of meeting my husband.  The dream ended in a party gone wrong where some of the cheerleader's friends had be raped and the caveman (who by this time had developed this elaborate moral compass despite his outwardly unintelligent manner) figured out who had done it, beat the hell out of them and then carried all the girls that had been raped to the hospital on his giant shoulders.  Of course this was supremely impressive to the cheerleader and they end up having amazing wild sex right before I woke up, but that's not surprising.  It is my dream we're talking about and all my dreams involve sex at one point or another...expect for that one about the half Ronald McDonald/half Beetlejuice guy that led me through the slums of Midgar, but I think I'm quite thankful for that.

  ------------------------------------------------

  The willingness to help and kindness of the other students in my first year class kind of astounds me.  Where previously in my undergrad everyone who discovered the right answer only shared it with a select group of people and subsequently turned it in so no one else could see it, here everyone who finds the right answer exclaims it to the heavens and then then offers to explain it to anyone who needs the information.  It's really nice.  It makes me feel very welcome and safe, but it doesn't erase that feeling that I'm completely stupid and can't do any of the work by myself.  I feel ill prepared by my undergrad.  I feel like vital information was kept from me or removed from the curriculum for no apparent reason because everyone else seems to know things that I've never even heard of.  I'm definitely struggling with a lot of concepts in my Heat and Mass Transfer course and it's very embarrassing to me.  I know that as time passes I will get better, but right now I just feel like I'm so behind that I'll never catch up.  Maybe one day I won't be confused anymore, but by that time everyone else will have completely moved on to something much more complicated.  If that's the case, how can I hope to provide any useful information to the field of research, much less become an independent researcher when I can't even do my own homework without help?  Maybe I'm a fool for going to graduate school.  However, it's too late now. I'm already here and I'm going to do this, no matter what it takes.

  --------------------------------------------------

  What would1000 pieces of paper look like if I threw them all over the floor in my apartment?

  I wrote myself notes on my hand and this is what they say:

     caveman
    football
        dream

  math homework
       due Wed.

  I just thought it was a funny thing to read if you weren't thinking out of my brain.  Maybe I'm wrong.

  I really need a woman, I think.  But at the same time I don't have any time for a woman.  I'll figure it out.  I got to daydream today unexpectedly and it was nice.

  • 3:17 pm
  • 1 Comment