TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE THE MOST FABULOUS DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!  Our fake wedding is going to be so amazing and I can't wait to see everyone and I want to eat so many cake ball truffles and I just can't wait!  I'll post more about it after it actually happens.

Yesterday was such a long day, but it ended well.  I had a midterm in the morning that went...better than I expected sort of...but also still poorly.  I think I got maybe like a 60% on it or something.  After that I ate my first lunch at my new lab desk and it was kind of liberating in a way.  It was this feeling that I had a place.  I had been given a tiny plot on which to sprawl out my personal possessions and it was definitely a welcome relief after the midterm.  I can see my little desk and my little rolling chair becoming a kind of sanctuary for me in times of trouble, whether it be classes or research difficulties.  Then I had a four hour lab class and immediately after an hour and a half class...so I was on campus for like 9 hours straight.  Bleh.  And one of my tutees canceled her tutoring session but I didn't respond to her email in time and she ended up waiting in the rain with a chocolate covered strawberry for me for like ten minutes...which made me feel like a giant douche for not checking my email.  Anyway, after class I, my husband and several other first years went out for steaks at Texas Roadhouse and it was delicious.  We spent like two hours just sitting there talking about this and that and it was a welcome respite from all the stress that I had experienced throughout the week.  I do feel really privileged to be part of such a fun loving and friendly group of people, especially since it wasn't what I was expecting out of graduate school at all.

Unfortunately I've got to run to a class and I probably won't get another chance to update until well after the reception.  Such is life. 

The last few days have had their ups and downs to be sure.  Downs are winning at the moment.

I've been working feverishly to completely the spur of the moment (not usually a good thing with applications!) requirement that I apply for an NSF fellowship.  I've finished two of the three written portions and just need to get all the edits back from people, specifically my research advisor (>"<)!!!!  It's been rather slow going and I don't know what that means necessarily for me, but perhaps I just feel that way because I only have a few DAYS to finish them.  I'm going to start work on the final portion this weekend after all my homework and exams are finished and I can really focus since the last is probably the most important, that being my proposed research for the next five years.

I had an exam on Monday that I think went rather well...at least I hope.  For the first time in the entire semester I was the first to finish and it lifted my spirits, if only for a moment.  Immediately after I went home and realized that I had no fucking clue how to do a homework assignment that is due TOMORROW and am going in tonight to speak with the professor about it.  I can honestly say I'm completely and utterly fed up with not understanding things and it's kind of crushing my soul right now.    In addition to that I can't finish another homework assignment that is due on Friday, but that will have to wait until after the exam on Thursday in THE HARDEST CLASS I'VE EVER TAKEN.  It's really frustrating not only to not understand a homework assignment but also to have to waste time on it when what I really need to be studying for is a giant exam.  Ugh.  Bleh.

Even moreso while I was working on the impossible homework last night I got a phone call from my health insurance representative (or whatever he is) telling me that he had incorrectly spelled my husband's last name and I would have to fax him a copy of his driver's license.  Well, I don't have a fax machine, but I have a scanner and I figured it would be quicker if I could just email it, but the guy is like 80 and doesn't know how to do email so I had to mail it in!  Needless to say I'm getting antsy because my current coverage ends on October 31st and we still have not been sent our insurance cards for this new coverage that we have purchased because of all these stupid complications, none of which are our own doing!  And today I feel like my back is going to break in half but I can't go in and get it checked out because I am cardless!!  UGGGHHH!!

I've also been rather stressed (as one could tell probably) and I've gained a total of about five pounds from mindless snacking while working on things!  I feel disgusting and fat and it's just a kind of slap in the face to me.

So anyway I've been a bit frustrated lately.  However, on the upside, I have been assigned a research project on the production of biofuels and I'm extremely excited!  I now have a lab coat with my name on it, a really fancy research notebook, keys to my (It's so neat to be able to use the word "my" in relation to things!) labs, and even a desk in the group's office space!  I'm so excited and I can't wait to get started on research...but after I finish the NSF application.  I've even gotten all the stupid paperwork out of the way so that I am certifiably ready to begin research.  I just want all this coursework and stress to be out of the way so I can really get to the reason why I am here.  I can't wait!

Well, I have to go try and figure out how to do my homework.  I'll try and post more later.

Two down, one to go.  I need to do some of the homework I've been putting off.

I promise a post after I write my NSF proposals and get all my fellowship applications turned in.  Until then, me not posting does not mean that I am dead...  I mean, I might be dead, I guess, but it isn't the only reason why I wouldn't be posting.

RESEARCH ADVISOR ASSIGNMENTS CAME OUT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm so happy!  I ran up the stairs from the computer lab and burst through the door toward the department office like a child toward the tree and presents on Christmas morning.  I got my second choice, but he was basically tied with my first choice with respect to how happy I would be in his group and I only put him second because I couldn't put two people for first.  I feel so relieved and excited and basically fantastic!  Now to pick a project to work on and get started!  Ah, what a fabulous day!

As for the exam this morning...I think I did okay on it and was kind of disappointed, but that was completely overshadowed by the subsequent research advisor assignment situation, so I pretty much don't care about it right now.

I'm in such a great mood that I could actually go and confidently hit on girls I meet on the street, and I almost never feel like that!  :3

My husband and I are going to see Where the Wild Things Are later this evening because he looked at me with his beautiful little "pretty please" face and asked me if we could go see a movie.  I responded that I would love to see Where the Wild Things Are and he produced a tiny note he had written to remind himself that he wanted to see a movie.  On it he had scralled in almost childlike text Where the Wild Things Are and he absolutely beamed at me.  I grabbed him and squeezed him as hard as I could because he has this tendency to be so cute and irresistable that I can't help myself.  "I just want to spend time with you," he whispered.

Earlier in the morning he had shooed me out of the bed because he was having trouble sleeping and I had dejectedly resigned myself to watching BBC America on the futon in my underwear.  Later I returned to the bedroom to find the door shut and was frankly kind of hurt.  When he saw that he had hurt my feelings he explained that he was feeling really nervous and could not sleep and the door being shut was not because of me but because he felt too "exposed" with it open.  I understand.  I get that feeling sometimes like someone is watching me or if I don't shut a door or turn on a light something terrible will happen.  I know they are only strange night feelings brought on by an overactive subconscious but they are compelling nontheless.  Regardless I was still a bit miffed and I asked him why he didn't want to do anything with me anymore.  He doesn't want to learn breakdancing, learn aikido, paly Nobilis, or hang out with various other groups of people and it has started to worry me that we are growing apart.  I think my questioning made him realize that maybe he is distancing himself from me a bit by using the excuse that "his job wears him out" a few too many times and I am glad that he so sweetly came up with the idea to see a movie all on his own.  It really means a lot to me.

Anyway, I'm in a fabulous mood and I think after we see the movie we are going to go out drinking (yes I know it's Monday) with my classmates to celebrate the research advisor selection.  It should be a wonderful evening.  Perhaps things are looking up?

The cocktail party on Saturday was so much fun!  The guy who was mixing the cocktails was really good at it and with drinks like "The Incredible Hulk's Incredible Urine" and "Dr. Nik's Blue Oyster" how could they not be fantastic?  I got quite drunk, but only because I had my husband there to be my designated driver and watch over my drunken antics.  We danced, played charades, danced some more, did the limbo across the room, got the cops called on us, settled down to played pictionary, did some improv and ended the evening finding homes for all the guys who had too much to drink.  All in all, best party ever.  Like I said, I really love my class and the way we all just magically get along is almost unfathomable but it makes me really happy.  I feel so lucky to have met all of them!

Earlier on Saturday I studied for an exam that's in a few hours.  I also joined a study group on Sunday evening to prepare for it.  I really hope I do well on it because the last exam in the class resulted in a 65%.  If I do poorly though it won't be because I didn't try to learn the material and put in the time to work through all the sample problems, so I guess I can't feel too bad.  Plus everyone says that professors don't give below a B in graduate courses, so hopefully they aren't just saying that to make me feel better.  I just really want to do well to prove to myself that I can.  I know it shouldn't matter at this stage of life but it matters to me.  I've always been a grade oriented person and I don't think that will ever change.

I had a lot of fun breakdancing yesterday even though my butt and thighs hadn't really recovered from the hardcore workouts of the previous week.  I learned my first popping movies (like when you see guys looking like some kind of motion is flowing through their body) as well as some cool up rock and a couple more freezes.  I still don't have the upper body strength to support my weight in a hand stand for more than a fraction of a second before my arms buckle, but I'm working on it.  I mean, it's only my third time ever at the club and I feel like I've already learned a lot.  I'm sure by the end of five years I'll be some kind of breakdancing superhero fighting crime with my killer moves.  I'll have to come up with a secret identity.  Maybe I should start wearing a cape.

I fell asleep at 8 PM yesterday because I was so tired from staying up until 3 AM Saturday night and getting up the following morning to work on group work and breakdancing and then eating a big meal...so now I'm awake right now.  I don't particularly want to be.  There isn't anything to do at 5 AM.  But I can't sleep anymore so I'm drinking a glass of water and making an entry.  I guess I could always play an online game.  I don't know.  It's also really dark in here.  I feel like Batman if he was blogging.  Man...I bet Batman's blog would be really really angsty.

Anyway, good morning internets. :3

Who are you, New Jersey?  I see your footprints and I see that you've read deep into the reaches of time and space on this blog, yet you never comment.  I hope my blog is satisfying you and thank you for your patronage of reading time.

Yesterday went quite well.  We went to his favorite restaurant, we snuggled on the futon, we bought groceries together (one of our favorite activities if you'll believe it), I made him cereal treats, and we played Aion.  He's such a wonderful caring creature.  He's so wise and forgiving and he knows my heart is in the right place at all times and I'm always just trying to make him happy.  He was sad for a while, but he forgave me and I think that is one of the strongest things a person can do.  Maybe he's not so driven to find his dream job, but he is definitely living his life in the right way in all other aspects I think.

He's so shy, though.  He doesn't want to go with me to either aikido or breakdancing because he is frightened of large groups of people.  He got embarrassed when I asked him to stand in front of a tree for a picture because other people were around and he didn't want to be looked at.  I worry that his life is very lonely when I'm not around because he doesn't have any friends that aren't my friends first.  He doesn't have any social hobbies either.  I know that's just he way he is and possibly one of the reasons we are so perfect for each other, but I worry that it's adding to his dissatisfaction for living here.  I think he wants to go back to Columbia where we already had a firm friend base.  I'm trying my best to meet people and get to know people and make good friends, but I think he remembers it happening faster than it actually did back in undergrad.  We didn't have good friends for an entire year at Mizzou and now he is worried because we aren't super close with anyone after only a few months?  And we are close with a few people.  We have friends to play board games with, friends to go drinking with, and friends to work out with...he just doesn't utilize them because he's too shy to feel like he knows them already.  It's kind of a paradox in his head I think.  Honestly, I'm sure the longer we are here the better all these little negative things will get.  He'll find a new job, we'll get to know people better and this place will feel like home just like Columbia eventually did...at least that's what I'm hoping with all my heart.

Speaking of being more social, I had a lot of fun at the gym yesterday with a couple of my classmates.  The instructor was really energetic and the workout was definitely in my range of enjoyment.  There were a lot of lunges that work out the butt and thighs and I was under the impression that it would be more upper body work, so I agreed to go with another student afterward and play DDR...yeah...bad idea.  I mean, it was still fun and it was cute to see other first years trying DDR, but immediately after playing four sets of songs, some of them doubles, my legs gave out.  It was painful to walk.  The combination of lunges (which I don't normally do in my other exercises) and DDR just destroyed my upper thighs and ass.  It was difficult to sit down and stand up and even walk!  One of the students who went to the gym with me reminded me that the second day would be worse and oh boy is it!  I had to have my husband help me sit down on my computer chair yesterday night and today I had to basically lean over without bending my legs and support my whole body with my arms before I could sit down.  It's awful.  Indian style doesn't hurt, but sitting with my legs bent toward the floor is hellish.  But that's fantastic because it means I really worked out my legs and butt.  I'll just have to wait a few days to properly enjoy it. :3

I'm so excited about tonight!  First year cocktail party!  I can't wait for the witty banter, silly party games and ultimately embarrassing moments when people are super drunk.  I've got my camera ready and extra batteries in my purse!  Nearly the whole class is coming and I think that really shows how social we are and how much we like each other's company.  I can't even point out a single person I even sort of dislike in the class.  It's wonderful!  It's one of the reasons I know this place was the right decision for grad school, that and the breakdancing club.  It's everything I ever wanted in a final educational step!  I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do and meeting the people I've always wanted to meet and it's so awesome!

In conclusion, I'm sure things will get better for my husband and we will eventually be sad to leave this place as well.  It just takes more time than a couple months to feel that way.

Today has been declared a national holiday (by me) for my husband.  Why?  Because I lied to him for the first time in our relationship and I don't know how to make up for it.  What about, you ask?  Well, let me explain.  A few entries ago I commented on talking to someone again.  I am talking to him because I'm so happy that he seems to have forgiven me and also because I enjoy discussing things with him even if he can be a bit of a pessimist sometimes.  To be able to call him "my friend" again is wonderful and it almost feels like the past has been undone and I can let go of all the regret I've been storing up inside my heart.  But I did not tell these things to my husband.  I simply blew it off as talking to him because he was talking to me and pretended to be annoyed by it because I knew that while both me and the person I am chatting with had forgiven the past transgressions and moved past them...but my husband hasn't yet.  I didn't know how to tell him I was happy about something I knew he would be sad about.  And I knew I was doing it.  I could feel the lie every time I told it and it hurt me.  He finally called me out on it and I didn't really have a response.  Later the same night we were having sex and he got out of the mood before he could even finish...and I knew why.  I confronted him about it and we talked about everything I just said, but I could tell he was deeply hurt by the whole business.  I wish I had just told him the truth in the first place.  I don't know why I lied...I was just so scared that he would forbid me from the chatting that was making me feel so much better about things.  In the end he didn't say I had to stop chatting and I'm glad we talked about it, but I feel like I need to make it up to him.  It's awful to lie.  It's probably one of the most horrible things one human being can do to another...and I did it.  I'm a dick.

Other than that, I still haven't heard who my research adviser will be.  Fuck.

And I have lots of difficult homework.  Double fuck.

I'll post more later because more than that happened.

I finally did it.  I'm lifetime.