October 14, 2009
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It's funny how alone one can feel when surrounded by people. Ever since I was little I've always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that people just hang out with me because they are nice or because they are apathetic. I've always felt like an outcast, the only exception being when I met my husband. I guess that's why we are married. But otherwise I always get this weird feeling like I'm intruding on something I wasn't meant to be a part of. I hate making friends, even though I do it so easily. It takes me a really long time before I can shove that awkward feeling to the back of my mind and accept that they might like being around me sometimes. I also hate being told to call a professor by his/her first name. I feel so uncomfortable, like the instant I do it they will shout, "Tricked you! I actually find that extremely disrespectful. Now get out of my sight you mindless sheep." I like to pretend other people's opinions don't effect me, and I guess they really don't. It's my own opinions about other people and the thoughts I make up for them to think that effect me. I often wonder how much of what I make up to be in other people's minds is actually truthful. I think I think way more about other people than they ever think about me and I'm not all that sure how to go about working on the problem. Eh. I guess there are much worse problems to have so maybe I should shut up.
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There isn't enough time in the day and my mother asked me a frightening question the other day. "So, do you and Mike just not do anything together anymore?" Of course I refuted her claim, but honestly we don't get to spend all that much time together. I'm sure you've noticed the volume of sex-related posts has gone down if you read this blog a lot...and that's because we just aren't having it that often anymore. We eat meals together sometimes...sometimes two a day...sometimes one...sometimes none actually. When he gets home from work he's often grumpy or touchy and will become frustrated too easily for me to want to talk to him for extended periods of time. He also complains about a lot of things lately, like how well I clean the apartment or how I wash the dishes and it gets pretty irritating since I'm doing everything housekeeping in addition going to class and doing homework and all he does when he gets home is waste time on the internet or play computer games. I understand that he needs time to wind down, we all do, but I don't think it's fair for him to complain about all the things I do if he isn't going to help with any of it. Did you ever complain about how your mom did the laundry? I didn't. She accidentally dyed all my white shirts pink with a red blanket once and I didn't say a thing because I never help with the laundry anyway and probably would have made the same mistake. It's just really frustrating sometimes, so I end up scheduling lots of things to do after I get out of class and even in the evenings so that I don't have to be home and I don't have to listen to him complain. He even berates me for playing MMOs halfheartedly. I mean, it's a fucking game and I just want to relax and NOT concentrate for a change and all he can think about is how I didn't do exactly what he commanded me to do. It's awful.
I mean, it isn't like that all the time...but it is probably a majority of time. Sometimes he can be really sweet and I'm hoping it's just his hatred of his job that has him so tense and thoughtlessly cruel...but I can't be sure. I don't remember him being like this for such an extended period of time before. Maybe every so often he would have a bad day, but never like this, never ever day. Again, I keep blaming myself for his current state and it's really starting to effect me mentally. I don't really know if I can make a whole year with him hating his job...and he also seems so disinterested in figuring out what he wants to do with his life. It's like living with a 15-year-old kid instead of my 22-year-old husband. I feel like he will never quit the job because he will never have the drive to get any other job. I mean I basically filled out his application for the place he is working at now and told him what to say in his phone interviews during the actual interviews (I whispered things to him), so I honestly don't think he would have gotten it without my help and I don't know if he will ever get a job of his own free will and desire. I find that so depressing both for him and for our future and I guess I should have noticed this trait before now but one can become wrapped up in the fun things and push the serious things to the side. *sigh* I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry this entry is so depressing.
Comments (2)
I am pretty sure that his cruelty/anger/whatever is because of his hatred of his job...but the lack of drive to get a job on his own is definitely a problem. But it could be something to do with age. While the two of you are very ahead of the game in many ways, you're both still young, and even if you're more mature in a lot of ways, in some ways you're right on track. A lot of 22 year olds don't have a lot of drive, but they get better about it as they get older. So he might grow out of it, or he might not...and if he doesn't, you have to decide if you can deal with that.
Have you talked to him about how he berates you? Maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it. Maybe he thinks it's constructive criticism or something. I dunno, but if you haven't talked to him about it, maybe you should.
<3
Yeah, I've talked to him and his excuse is that he doesn't mean for his voice to sound agitated...but I always 100% does so I don't know whether he really is or not. It's very frustrating and not at all fun, LIKE A GAME SHOULD BE.
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