October 16, 2009
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Today has been declared a national holiday (by me) for my husband. Why? Because I lied to him for the first time in our relationship and I don't know how to make up for it. What about, you ask? Well, let me explain. A few entries ago I commented on talking to someone again. I am talking to him because I'm so happy that he seems to have forgiven me and also because I enjoy discussing things with him even if he can be a bit of a pessimist sometimes. To be able to call him "my friend" again is wonderful and it almost feels like the past has been undone and I can let go of all the regret I've been storing up inside my heart. But I did not tell these things to my husband. I simply blew it off as talking to him because he was talking to me and pretended to be annoyed by it because I knew that while both me and the person I am chatting with had forgiven the past transgressions and moved past them...but my husband hasn't yet. I didn't know how to tell him I was happy about something I knew he would be sad about. And I knew I was doing it. I could feel the lie every time I told it and it hurt me. He finally called me out on it and I didn't really have a response. Later the same night we were having sex and he got out of the mood before he could even finish...and I knew why. I confronted him about it and we talked about everything I just said, but I could tell he was deeply hurt by the whole business. I wish I had just told him the truth in the first place. I don't know why I lied...I was just so scared that he would forbid me from the chatting that was making me feel so much better about things. In the end he didn't say I had to stop chatting and I'm glad we talked about it, but I feel like I need to make it up to him. It's awful to lie. It's probably one of the most horrible things one human being can do to another...and I did it. I'm a dick.
Other than that, I still haven't heard who my research adviser will be. Fuck.
And I have lots of difficult homework. Double fuck.
I'll post more later because more than that happened.
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