I don't know if I can really do this entry justice without getting really whiny...so I'm sorry in advance.
I just feel so constantly inadequate. At everything.
Classes are so difficult and I feel like I'm struggling and floundering so much that everyone is watching me nearly drown each day. I know the environment is very conducive to research and I'm so happy to meet some many people who are so intelligent outside of a classroom setting, but once we are all working on homework and I feel so behind while everyone else is talking about how easy things are...I feel like garbage, utter garbage. They are all wonderful people and I have no qualms about their personalities by any measure. We are all on the same wavelength if you will and it is fantastic during conversations, but I feel like I'm becoming a type of pathetic pet to some of them whom I ask repeated questions in class and about homework. Like, "Awww...look at Katie. She's so cute the way she doesn't understand separation of variables. Let's pet her and tell her everything will be alright until she smiles." It's discouraging and while at the same time I know they are pleased to help me it makes me feel like such a fool to not understand so much. And the professors are the same. I went in for help with one of my classes and when asked, "And what's a common name for one over infinity?" I just stared blankly, unable to comprehend what he wanted me to say... Of course one over infinity is zero! But one does not think of these things when asked a question by a professor. I would expect such questions to be more thought provoking, so I skipped right over the simple answer in a search for something higher and ended up making myself look retarded. Even more so I just got my first test of the semester back with a giant "65/100" stamped on the back page. A really ego boost right when I needed it. /sarcasm Honestly, at this moment graduate school is making me feel like a foolish child and it's quite frustrating.
I've become rather bitter lately, I suppose. I keep thinking about her, how she hugged me and softly let her head rest on my shoulders and how she even played in my hair and it's absolutely infuriating. I let her do all those things because I felt something for her. I was captivated by her and she was merely being friendly. I'm not a physical person. There are two types of physical contact for me: nurturing and sexual. Nurturing physical contact blankets things like the obligatory relative hug or holding a crying friend in the peak of their sadness. Sexual physical contact blankets touching someone because you eventually want to have sex with them and enjoy the shared sensation of caressing them in some way. As you can see, there is no category for random friendly physical contact because it isn't something I enjoy. If you just hug and touch everyone you can even remotely stand, then what do those actions mean anymore? Nothing. And that's what she meant with her hugs and gentle caresses. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. It makes me so angry! When I think of it I just repeat to myself, "HOW DARE YOU!!" and I'm almost to the point where I never want to see her face again because it makes me so mad. Maybe I should be happy that we've been abandoned this weekend and that she won't be coming. She probably wouldn't have anyway. I don't want her to come. She can't come, not unless she sleeps in our bed. I'm so angry and I just don't even know what I would say to her if she was with me. I need more time than I have before I see her next to cool down. Another month isn't enough.
I cried so hard last night that I got tears all over his arm and he softly stroked my back and told me it was okay because he was about to take a shower anyway. That may not sound romantic but at the time for some reason it made me laugh to myself and that is just one more reason why I love him. I feel so embarrassed to cry in front of him, but never in front of others because I don't care about that except for the annoying questions I would be asked. I don't want to weigh him down with my sadness when he is already so disappointed with his job and it makes me feel so guilty. I feel so awful right now, like the only good thing I have in my life is him and I can't even make choices such that he is satisfied... Ugh, I'm going to cry again and I'm in public right now at the computer lab in the chemical engineering building.
On Wednesday I skipped almost all my classes because I stayed up too late having sex with him. A good reason, but at the same time I didn't do anything all day. I just looked at yaoi manga and I didn't even practice my keytar! I didn't do any homework, I didn't go to the bank, I didn't do anything that I should have done and this whole week's been like that because I've been feeling so down. I hate this feeling. I want to feel happy again and it seems like I can go from happy to completely depressed in such a short time that I must have some kind of brain disorder or something. I don't care, however, but I would never take medicine for a mental disorder no matter how severe. Pain and sadness are symptoms of things being wrong, so if you cover them up with medicine you aren't really solving the problem. It's like throwing a newspaper over a spill. You don't see the mess anymore, but it's still there. That's why I don't take headache medicine either. If I've done something to cause my head to hurt then I should figure out what it is, not cover it up by blocking my pain receptors.
I turned in my professor selection forms today. They are due on Monday, but I didn't want to hold onto them anymore. I feel so jittery and worried about the whole selection process that I almost can't stand it. I need to know who I'll be working under and I need to know NOW! I'm so tired of this strange listless feeling of just being in a more difficult version of undergraduate school. On the upside, next week we should be informed of who we have been assigned to and I won't have any stupid 7 - 9 PM lab classes to waste my time! To think that something so simple could enhance my crappy mood so much is strange, but if you think about it 7 - 9 PM is such a vital time. To take it up with something breaks up the evening, whether you are doing homework or just relaxing it really messes things up to have to go gallivanting off to campus at that time.
On a lighter note, I had a headache all day yesterday and at 5 PM I was still on campus tutoring a young lady and one of her friends. I was having quite a rough time of it with the headache and I did my best, but I still felt like I was doing a crappy job explaining things and even solving the problems myself was taxing for me. Then I had to leave because I wanted to make the end of an office hour and as I was getting up she grabbed a little baggy out of her purse and offered it to me, saying she had made puppy chow for her roommates and had one bag left. I was so grateful and ate it during the office hour. Magically, my headache disappeared as if she had blessed the little sugary nuggets somehow just for me. Just a little thing, but it made me feel so cute and like I had grown little kitty ears and a tail like in a manga when they want to show someone feeling childish or whatever.
I think I'll end it on that sweet little note because I've already complained too much as it is.
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